Headlock’d Presents: The Script for the 2013 Supplementary Slammys

Just like the Oscars, sometimes certain Slammys aren’t deemed important enough to make it to television.  Unlike the Oscars, sometimes certain awards aren’t deemed important enough to make it onto WWE.com.  Because we leave no stone unturned, we have decided to bring to light the unsung heroes of the WWE.  These are the Supplementary Slammys!

The Slammy for “overuse of a pop culture phrase”of the year goes to:

Twerkin’

Presented by: Michael Cole

Of course Michael Cole would present this.  It has been very easy to get sick of the phrase “Twerkin”, as it did not take long at all for this to make it into news broadcasts and parent-teacher programs that try to relate to kids.  Like “Word Up”, “Crunk” and “Old School” before it, this word had the coolness sucked dry from it faster than Fandango-ing.  Unlike “Word Up”, “Crunk” and “Old School”, this is an awful, awful, awful thing and deserves to be shot dead.  “Twerkin” is not something new and existed long before Miley was a twinkle in her dad’s achey-breaky eye.  The only difference between what strippers do at work and “Twerkin” is that the twelve year old from the YouTube video posted on your Facebook wall didn’t generate enough hits to monetize their content.  Keep fighting the good fight WWE.

Accepted by:  Anyone member of the roster over the age of forty-five. Seriously, anyone will do.

The Slammy for “WWE staff member of the year” goes to:

Dr. Michael J. Sampson

Presented by: Zack Ryder with a plate full of food from catering

When I first heard his name I was really disappointed he wasn’t a muscular superhero psychologist with long green hair.  Truth be told, a year ago I barely knew who he was.  If I saw him walking down the street, I wouldn’t recognize him.  One year later and I wouldn’t recognize him unless he was wearing a WWE black polo. I see him retweeted on twitter, being briefly featured in angles, referred to by name and even getting a line of dialogue.  The fact that he has had more screen time on RAW than Yoshi Tatsu means he has truly earned his Slammy….that and saving Jerry’s life.

Accepted by: Sandra the Seamstress, who steals the Slammy saying it is rightfully hers.  This starts a four month feud that culminates at Wrestlemania, bumping the mixed gender tag match off the card.

The Slammy for “The Milford School of Refereeing WWE Official of the year” goes to:

Not Marc Harris

Presented by: Natalya

I don’t care who gets it.  Break it into pieces so that every referee not named Marc Harris gets some (shouldn’t be too hard, it’s probably chocolate on the inside.)  Remember that awkward Natalya/AJ Lee finish a while back?  Where Natalya had to force Marc Harris to raise her hand in victory when the match wasn’t over yet? Maybe Harris made the right call that night, maybe not.  That’s not the issue.  It’s the response of “a Great ref would pick that up & I did” and “A lot of ‘know it alls’ think they know the rules, but they don’t.  That’s why I’m professional cause I’m the best”.  When the world thinks you royally screwed up on TV, being a pompous, super defensive prick may not be the way to go.  Just saying.

Accepted by: Scott Armstrong with a hacksaw

The Slammy for “Meme-Face of the year” goes to:

Big Show’s “I’ve had it” angry-sad face

Presented by: Sin Cara

Big Show looks like a kabuki performer with no makeup.  Come to think of it, Knucklehead would have been amazing if it was adapted for Kabuki theater.

Accepted by: Big Show. He’s crying.

The Slammy for “Underused performer of the year” goes to:

JTG

Presented by: Triple H

I defy you to find someone who was used less than this man.  I really like JTG.  He did most of the heavy lifting when it came to in ring work with Cryme Tyme and his work as a singles competitor on NXT Redemption was surprisingly fun.  Hell, I saw the man in the ring with ol’ Michael McGillicutty at Wrestlemania Axxess and he worked the (minimal) crowd to be one of the most over guys in there.  Was he ever going to be a main event player? Probably not, but he at least could’ve had a chance at the mid card in the Zack Ryder position.  However, once the WWE decided they had nothing for him, they stripped him of his street wear and kept him off TV.  They didn’t change his character, they just took it away.  Now seeing JTG wrestle is like seeing the Loch Ness Monster, I know it happens, but it’s near impossible to prove.  At least Yoshi Tatsu shows up backstage now and then.

Accepted by: Triple H, cause they told JTG to stay home that night. Hunter unwraps and eats the chocolate

The Slammy for “Mike Adamle Memorial Commentator/Backstage Interviewer of the Year” goes to:

Renee Young

Presented by: Alex Riley

Oh, Renee. She is the best interviewer they have, and has quickly put herself right below the Gene Okerlunds of the world as an actual character with value,  AND she’s the first female commentator in WWE history with her work in NXT. All while not trying to be “one of the boys”, which is to say pleasing to listen to and genuinely interested in the product.  She didn’t come off the model assembly line and get randomly stuck in WWE until a better deal comes along, she knows the product from her being a lifelong fan, and her work with Arda Ocal and Jimmy Korderas on Aftermath makes us appreciate her all the more.  She was robbed by not being nominated for Diva of the Year, but her career is still young and still has to go through the Sami Zayn love story angle that millions of fans have already written about in fan fiction.  In five years time she will have joined the Smackdown Commentary team.

Accepted by: Renee Young.  Alex Riley congratulates and hugs her just a little bit too long to be comfortable

Watch, Skip or Skim: Spoiler Alert with “Angry” Andy (12/11-12/13)

Over the course of seven days, there’s a lot of wrestling on TV. But only some of it is actually worth watching. That’s where Spoiler Alert comes in: we break down the spoilers of all of WWE’s pre-taped shows to let you know what you should watch, and which segments and full shows you should skim or skip. This week, Andy sits back and enjoys the build to Tables, Ladders & Chairs.

(spoilers via Wrestlezone.com)

Curtis Axel d Dolph Ziggler in what is probably a pretty good match.  As long as they keep Curtis away from the mic, this should be really excellent.  Axel is solid in the ring, but needs someone to make him look like he’s the second generation stud he’s supposed to be.  Dolph Ziggler is definitely the guy for the job.

Natalya d Alicia Fox.  They’ve been building Nattie up for a credible run with the Divas title, so this is probably little more than a quick squash.  It doesn’t hurt that Alicia has improved over the years.

Xavier Woods & R-Truth d Tons of Funk when Brodus Clay starts arguing with Tensai.  Woods continues to get face time with the fans, Brodus continues his heel turn, and the match ends in a logical, inoffensive way.

WATCH this show. Everything is story-and-character based.  All of it matters.  And it looks like the action should be pretty good, too.

(spoilers via ProWrestling.com)

Kaitlyn d Aksana.  Man, they sure made a point to kill Kaitlyn, didn’t they?  If you find either of these women attractive, then enjoy the show.  The wrestling itself won’t be so pretty.

Los Matadores d 3MB. Yes, again.  This time, 3MB was represented by Jinder and Drew.  We’re sure El Torito did something the kids will enjoy.  That’s the last of the nice things I have to say for this show.

SKIP THIS SHOW. Just do it.  You’ll thank me.

(spoilers via Wrestlezone.com)

Daniel Bryan d Luke Harper & Erick Rowan by disqualification, in a 2-on-1 handicapped match. Bray attacks, but Bryan fights him off with a running knee.  Bryan stands tall… which means he doesn’t have a chance at TLC.

The Real Americans d Goldust & Cody Rhodes in a non-title match.  I’d be totally ok with Cesaro and Swagger playing the role of the Quebecers in 2K14 version of the Bret/Own split.  They’re two very talented, very HUGE men, who are both fantastically underrated in the ring.  They’re also joined by one of the best managers in wrestling today… so why not strike while the iron’s hot?

Bad News Barrett talks about the Slammy Awards.  I’m ok with this.  People are complaining, but they’re establishing a new character.  Let them establish him before you demand he wrestle the same match, against the same midcarders, that made you sick of him the first time around.

Mark Henry d Damien Sandow by countout, with Intercontinental Champion Big E. Langston on commentary.  I’d guess he didn’t get to see too much in this scouting mission.

John Cena makes an appearance, to talk about his TLC match with Randy Orton.

Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins d The Usos. Punk appears on the titantron after the match, guaranteeing victory at TLC.  Maybe he hired a sniper.

Big Show d Ryback again.  This time, they continued brawling, along with Curtis Axel and Rey Mysterio.  I smell a filler tag match for TLC…  oh, and a tag team nobody asked for: Mysterio and Big Show.

Kofi Kingston v Alberto Del Rio never happened, because Del Rio has a concussion.  That, and Miz came out to give Kofi the Skull Crushing Finale.  I guess that’s better than watching Del Rio beat Kofi for the hundredth time.

Randy Orton and Triple H  kiss and make up after what happened in Raw’s awesome closing segment.

WATCH THIS SHOW.  WWE is clicking on all cylinders heading into TLC.  They’re putting on quality matches, and booking to logical storylines.  Watch and enjoy it while it lasts.

Headlock’d: PPV Predictions – 2013 Survivor Series

This week, we give our Pay Per View Predictions for Survivor Series and our thoughts as to who will be left standing tall.

12 Monkey Tag Match in a Barrel: Raw Regurgitated, 11/18

MR. Brandon Stroud has been on this much longer, but they’ve clearly started to lay the major groundwork for “Randy Orton is not putting up with shit from ‘The Authority’ anymore” storyline. If they can manage to do that and still allow Orton to be a crazy person, I’ll enjoy it. If this means a reversion to “What’s my line, Sheamus?”, I’m going to be PISSED.

Vickie Guerrero’s crowning achievement in her career is either “WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, VICKIE?!” or her sheepish “excuse me” from the opening segment of Raw. It’s six of one, half-a-dozen of another.

Brad Maddox can’t do much in the ring, but he sells like the World Champion of getting his ass kicked. It’s different that Dolph Ziggler’s “Rubberman” selling or Seth Rollins’ stuntman bumps, but it’s just as valid and wonderful. Remember, nobody took a shit kicking like Bret Hart. And nobody takes getting thrown over the top rope to the outside like Brad Maddox.

***

Either everyone who didn’t see Big E. Langston winning the IC Title after immediately after they realized the E had remixed his entrance music is a dirty mark; or, I watch way too much professional wrestling. I don’t want to think about the latter, so I’ll just assume it’s the former.

And, seriously, if he’s not the next John Cena, I’ll eat whatever stupid trucker hat they make for him.

If this were Spoiler Alert, that music chairs segment would read:

SKIP this segment because … listen, abortion jokes are never funny, so I’m not going to make one here. But, man, was that an abortion.

***

Big Show isn’t the presence that Andre was, but he’s still on the Great side of the ledger as a “wrestler you pay to see”. That’s not to say he’s a great technician, but that there is more to being worthy of paying to see for a sizable portion of the audience than that. Those people are kind of silly for the most part, but, in matches like this, where he gets himself and Ryback over as serious contenders not to be trifled with — a week after The Ryback lost to The R. Truth via rollup — is something that not many people can do, and almost no one has ever been as good at while also being that size.

This felt oddly predictable, not just because whatever the heck it was they were alluding to during commentary, but because this seemed like the worst possible scenario for both Kofi Kingston and The Miz. As a heel, The Miz is a non-Cena WHC-contender (emphasis on the contender part). As a face, he is Kofi Kingston.

This AJ Lee – Vickie “match” just seemed weird, and oddly reminiscent of the type of inside stuff that doesn’t play with the live crowd, especially when that can’t bump like Bobby Heenan. This may have been her worst showing ever in a ring, but at least she took the Black Widow like a champ. Also, Tamina is all of the bad parts of Diesel and like one of the good parts: she has interesting hair.

***

If they make Dolph Ziggler start acting like Jeff Jarrett, we’re going to re-run #JeffJarrettWeek, but add early-to-mid 90’s catchphrases to the article and make the pictures look they were postcards sent from Bayside High so our beloved readers better understand what they have in front of them.

Everyone understands that John Cena didn’t actually need his arm in a sling, right? Is his arm “hurt”? Sure. But it more than seems like the whole point was that the sling was a ruse. One can argue that’s not a particularly good thing for a face to do, but to say that he beat Alberto del Rio “with one arm” means you should pay more attention to the story. This is Inception, folks: they are literally explaining every single part as they go along so no one gets lost.

Serious Question: Will @XavierWoodsPHD cause the E to downplay Damien Sandow’s intelligence or will they just start a feud with the two immediately about “Who’s the smartest man in the WWE?”. Gross either way.

I didn’t mind the Florida Georgia Line performance. I’ve heard the song a bunch of times before, and I don’t mind giving the WWE an occasional variety show vibe every couple of months. Especially for the go-home show before a “Big Four” PPV. Just don’t make a habit of … really? Michael Strahan? Goddamnit.

***

***WARNING YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE***PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE AT ALL TIMES*** If you are trying to construct a go-home show, this is a pretty perfect way to do it, especially for Survivor Series. Most of the questions coming into the show — like who was going to be the mystery partner in the “Traditional Survivor Series” match — were answered by the end of this match. And more importantly, they finished it in the hottest way possible, with one of the new rising stars of the company having a extremely hot crowd chanting along with him and seven of his friends. A lot of the things that happened on this show seemed important, and nothing felt more important than the main event. That match, a 12-man tag affair, was something that would have felt impossible a year ago. But in the last year, we’ve seen a revitalized tag team division, the re-introduction of stables of factions, the Wyatt Family, the Authority, two (very short) Daniel Bryan WWE title reigns (and more importantly WWE title match victories), the rise of the Rhodes family & the Usos,  and most importantly, the Shield. There are definitely going to be people out there who didn’t enjoy this show, and I understand why, but I found myself cheering and clapping at all of the odds and ends that helped create the whirlwind ended that you bet sent the crowd home happy, both in the arena and on television. Which is the whole point. ***WARNING YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE***PLEASE ENJOY YOUR SONIC MILKSHAKE ON YOUR WAY OUT***

#TheShieldWeek: Essential Viewing

It’s Day Two of #TheShieldWeek, the eleventh installment of our (patent-pending) Juice Make Sugar Wrestler of the Week series.  In celebration of this month’s Survivor Series, we’re taking a look at famous stables from the wonderful world of wrestling. As always we started with A Stable You Should Probably Know Better yesterday, and today we give you the finer points of their oeuvre  with some Essential Viewing. But then we’re going to do something different with #TheShieldWeek and give each member their own day. Wednesday will be Seth Rollins’ — and we’ll Watch and Learn him but good, and give him his own GIF parade after —  with Roman and Dean coming after him to finish out the week.  Even with this change, we’ll still be making our “Amazon.com on steroids” dreams come true with “Juice Make Sugar Recommends…” on Thursday before finishing everything off with a Difference of Opinion (where JMS HQ erupts in a Triple Powerbomb-fueled civil war.) 

There’s something to be said for making an entrance, especially when it involves putting a behemoth through a table, but much of that was done yesterday. Instead, it seems important to talk about the things that The Shield has done in changing the way the business functions and the work they did before they became the most important young workers in the company

Since the beginning, Dean Ambrose has been the talker of the group, not just in the sense that he is the one who speak for the group, but that his primary attribute — even with his prodigious in-ring talent — is what he can do on the mic. His introduction to FCW (the precursor to NXT) is the ur-example, and is a powerful statement even now as to what the goals should be for most young professional wrestlers trying to make their way in the business:

The first connection that many non-indy fans has with Dean Ambrose was in the rumor mills, where he and Mick Foley worked a Twitter angle that seemed to be building towards something bigger until Foley famously backed off because Ambrose mentioned, as Dean put it, “dumb/blind wife [and] his traumatized ignorant children who think he’s a good person”. What fans were less attune to was the brilliant work he was doing immediately prior to this with the Great William Regal. A blitz of pantheon promos followed, including this one:

There’s a real confidence in what Ambrose is saying, and with his how physically imposing he is — he’s actually taller (if slighter) than Roman Reigns, though the WWE would never mention this — it creates a very unsettling feeling. It also helps to underscore the many comparisons to The Joker — and specifically Heath Ledger’s interpretation — that have been mentioned as high up as the WWE commentary booth itself. There’s an absurd realness to his promos that permeates everything he’s saying, especially when he’s telling stories about how tough he is:

It feels like he’s making you aware of how dangerous he is just as much for his benefit as yours.

But he’s not the most dangerous member of The Shield, from a narrative perspective, anyways. That would be Roman Reigns, or as I’ve called him previously, The Hammer. The comparisons to his “cousin” the Rock (who is not *actually* related to him, even if the High Chief Peter Maivia was essentially family to the bloodline) make sense, but they seem to be of the “comparing white basketball players to each other” variety.

While he may boast a similar build, Roman Reigns exudes a quiet confidence and an internal rage that feels nearly unique. Like a kettle ready to explode, Reigns has made his bones by being the deus ex machina within the deus ex machina with his spears — easily the best ever — serving as the killing stroke in many of the Shield’s more prominent victories.
He plays the role as “the difference maker” exceptionally well for the squad, fully aware of his importance but with — and this is perhaps the defining characteristic of the group as a whole — an eye towards what’s most beneficial for the group. In a way, Reigns “wrestles to character” as well as anyone this side of Bray Wyatt. Notorious for his EPIC in-match smack talk, nearly every moment in the ring with Reigns has the undercurrent of witnessing something special or the possibility thereof.

And, like the ying to Reign’s yang, Seth Rollins specialness comes not from a particularly impressive offensive style — although the former Tyler Black is no slouch on that end either — but with selling that has redefined the Ziggler Scale. These two have combined to produce some of the more memorable PPV matches of recent vintage, and in doing so have revitalized a tag team division which has been stagnant beyond a few starclusters like Show Miz, Jeri-Show and recently, Team Hell No!, who the fellows dispatched for the titles at Extreme Rules.

But, because much of their matches have happened in the last few months, nearly none of it is available to be viewed (conveniently) for free. There’s, of course, our friends at DailyMotion, who have uploaded many of the matches with varying video quality, like their amazing match at Battleground against Cody and Goldust, but because we can’t embed them, you’ll have to trust us and follow the links below.

Extreme Rules 2013: Team Hell No vs The Shield by SkeeterMcMeatBeater

Shield vs. Cody Rhodes & Goldust – RAW 10.15.13 by AndresGuilherme

Goldust & Cody Rhodes Vs The Shield… by wwedivas2013

Hell in a Cell 2013 – The Usos vs The Shield vs… by TheUsosOnline

But ultimately, their greatest legacy will be the (re?)introduction of the Trios concept, and the majesty of a properly executed six-man tag match. While there have definitely been groups before that worked well together in matches, the thematic difference between them have created one of the most efficient destruction machines the professional wrestling world will ever see. They’ve torn the house down more times than can be counted from PPVs::

2012 TLC – The Shield vs. Team Hell No & Ryback by omfgsplit

The Shield vs Sheamus, Randy Orton and Big Show… by Kyle_Dixon

and Raws

06.03.13- Daniel Bryan, Kane and Randy Orton vs… by Kyle_Dixon

08.05.13- John Cena, Randy Orton and Daniel… by Kyle_Dixon

And in doing so, have redefined an entire genre of match from the laziest possible booking into a hallmark of nearly every Raw worth watching. Not bad for their first year on the job.

When The Shield Met The Wyatts: Raw Regurgitated, 11/11

With Total Divas being an unmitigated success that goes out of its way to mess with the permeable membrane between reality, “reality” and kayfabe, is there any reason on God’s green earth we can’t get a couple of cameras to follow around Kane, Vickie and Brad Maddox for a season or two?

This crowd was shite. Like an Iowa crowd with an accent, they seemed to be trying to recreate the “magic” of that infamous (and infamously British) post-WrestleMania crowd, while completely missing that the “magic” was mostly that viewers had never seen a crowd be acknowledged for trying so hard to get itself over. And it worked, because it was organic. This crowd tried to artificially create that same feeling, and ended up coming across like all the things they say they hate about the WWE: manufactured, contrived and boring.

There’s been a very subtle transformation to the vanilla version of Goldust for Cody Rhodes. Vanilla in this case doesn’t mean “bad”, however, just “more palatable to a larger number of people”. He’s managed to incorporate bits of his brother’s work without it turning into a “Miz trying to put the figure four on people”. And that’s best for business.

Not only does this feel like the most over the Big Show has ever been, it’s one of the few times that a feud has made sense for him with a “normal” person. As a larger than life figure, outside of programs with other larger than life figures (like Mark Henry), most of stories over the years have revolved around things like “getting dosed with laxative” or “people laughing at him”. So it’s nice to see “got bullied by him and his cohorts to the point that he decided to destroy everyone” as a reason for  him to want to fight someone.

***

Nothing on earth would make me happier if 3MB’s gimmick has changed from “Shitty rock band” to “shitty rock band who they are turning into faces by having them be a gimmick that makes sense for whichever town they are in”. Though, it feels like that would be way harder to put on a business card.

Kane’s presence as a new (pardon the pun) “Authority” figure puts an interesting twist on one of the most tired tropes in professional wrestling. Instead of just being the heavy, there’s a sense of actual stakes to pissing off Kane that goes beyond professional inconvenience, like him breaking your face.

Juice Make Sugar’s Raw Regurgitated Reader challenge: during the next Damien Sandow match you see, drink every time the announcers make reference to Sandow’s “new attitude” or the reasons behind it AND try to not die of alcohol poisoning.

After that loss to Curtis Axel, Dolph Ziggler has to be thinking about joining Chris Hero on a couple of independent bookings, right?

***

It’s hard to say what’s weirder: Brad Maddox directly challenging Kane or the fact that Kane’s eyes are both the same color.

The day that this Tamina/AJ – Brie/Nikki storyline ends will be a good day. Until then, every day will be the worst day of our lives.

The motivation of the Shield continues to be “we go where the money is and we do what the money says”. It’s almost like they are an allegory for professional wrestling storytelling. Weird. Also, it’s kind of wonderful to see them working together like a sketch troupe. Makes you wonder how good Dean Ambrose is at “Yes, and…”

***

Her “Queen Farts-a-lot” gimmick was well, farts, but at least it seemed like Nattie’s storylines had hit rockbottom in terms of how pathetic a storyline involving her could be. But, her bickering with her obnoxious (and OBNOXIOUSLY Canadian) husband about her training with Fandango is the definition of the dribbling shits.

***WARNING YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE***PLEASE KEEP EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE AT ALL TIMES*** It was nice to see how excited Cena seemed to be when Cesaro and he had a chance to work together. You’ll find no bigger defender of the John Cena brand than me, so take what I say with a grain of very biased salt. But considering the rub that Cena has given to guys like Big E. Langston and Antonio Cesaro, of the legitimate “faces of the WWE” —  your Rocks, Stone Colds, Hulk Hogans — he’s unequivocally the most giving. Part of that is that he’s not, no matter how hard he tries, a movie star in the way that the Rock is and Hogan/Austin tried to be. But it would be wrong to say that’s the only reason he is so giving. It feels largely that Cena knows precisely how lucky he is to be in the position he’s in. And yes, it seems silly to talk about how generous a guy is after he just beat the presumed No.1 contenders for the tag team titles by himself, but if you just acknowledge that he’s never going to “lose” in the grand scheme of things to anyone who isn’t CM Punk or Daniel Bryan or Randy Orton or Edge (or Tensai) (or The Miz) (or Dolph) and acknowledge that he does the best he can trying to make it so that everyone makes money within that context, his career is pretty remarkable in that respect. ***WARNING YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE***PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKE ON THE WAY OUT***

Sometimes, you see rumors on the internet and hope they aren’t true. Then, you watch R Truth win cleanly on a roll up, and you know that whatever Ryback did to anger whoever he angered in the back was way worse than you thought.

***

As a John Cena-Alberto del Rio fan, it’s hard to articulate how excited I am for their Survivor Series match, but I’m not sure if it’s because they are two of my favorite performers in the company, or because it’ll be one of five times all year athat the crowd gave a shit about an Alberto del Rio match.

If you don’t think that the storyline for Lesnar-Taker at WrestleMania is “I’m going to make CM Punk watch the Beast do what the ‘Best in the World’ couldn’t”, you are a dirty mark.

For  those who think that Daniel Bryan is going to sink down to the “mid-card” because SummerSlam buyrates were down (which you may blame on Triple H if you didn’t understand how the time-space continuum works), he and CM Punk essentially beating the Shield in a handicap match before getting the upper hand on them AND the Wyatt Family (after some friends stop by to lend a hand) should tell you everything you know about how much the company Respects the Beard.

Juice Make Sugar Presents: The #VarsityClubWeek 10 Best List – Athletes That Translated

Because we’re wrestling journalists — and Buzzfeed contributors —  we’ve decided that we needed to start creating a top ten list based on each Wrestler of the Week. We’ve decided to not include any criteria for the list, because we’ve been told by experts in the list-making field that it would just muddy our ability to explain why our list is right. You should understand, because you read us, that we know more about wrestling than you and what we think is best IS best. We promise. If you want, you can guess what why we’ve chosen these people the way we have in the comments. Where you belong.

So, without further ado, we give you the definitive list of the 10 Best Athletes That Translated:

1. The Rock

Played football for The U, almost made it to the CFL.

2. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper

Golden Gloves boxer in Canada.

3. Kevin Nash

Former college basketball player.

4. Paul Wight (The Big Show)

Played college basketball.

5. Goldberg

Former professional football player with the Atlanta Falcons.

6. John Cena

Former college football player.

7. Steve Austin

Former college football player.

8. Macho Man

A minor-league baseball player in the St. Louis Cardinals system.

9. Glen Jacobs

College football and basketball player.

10. Ric Flair

A two-time state wrestling champion who went to the University of Minnesota on an athletic scholarship.

Headlock’d: Plan C(ena)?

We change formats, camera angles and bring back the World Heavyweight Championship Douche Canoe.

Let’s Lock Up!

Cody Rhodes’ Very Bad Things: Raw Regurgitated, 9/2

Wow, did Randy Orton wake up feeling extra coherent today? This promo is articulate, to the point that it doesn’t sound like, well, a Randy Orton promo.

JBL as Jesse Ventura/Eric Bischoff during this reign of terror by The Better for Business Bureau has developed into a Don West character. Good heel Don West, not literally every other part of his entire career.

For anyone to watch this opening segment and worry about whether or not Daniel Bryan will eventually get over on Orton/H is either depressingly naive or even more depressingly cynical. It’s obvious that they’ll let him win the title. How else is Triple H going to go over him for the WWE Championship and have it make sense?

***

If Cody Rhodes gets Syxx’d by H, fans should start to worry, but good for him getting this shot. He’s already on his way to being crazy over, so being thrust in a main event, even if it’s only as a step above canon fodder right now, is the best thing that could possibly happen to him. One only hopes that Damien Sandow doesn’t get left behind with all this losing he’s been doing.

***

The Miz has turned into an interesting wrestler. Not a good one, but an interesting one. While this match was no great shakes, the crowd was definitely into it and it told a good if predictable story. Solid, if not great, feuds like this — your D’Lo vs. Val Venis level mid-card noise — is the difference between a good era and a GREAT era, which it looks like this is shaping up to be.

Hopefully, this weird conspiracy theorist Booker T character turns into survivalist Booker T, and he starts looking like post-retirement Shawn Michaels.

Who is going to cash in on this Ambrose-Ziggler hit?

Oh, hello Ryback. Good to see you not let the pile of dirt on top of you keep you down.

***

Everyone is aware that this Big Show/Better for Business Bureau is just a rehash of the HBK-JBL storyline. Which is true, but this is taking place in the context of a much larger story. Of course someone was going to be put up to something they didn’t want to do because they were broke, and if it happens to be the guy with ham-sized fists, then so be it. And congratulations on Stephanie for finally taking that masterclass in heeldom. This is the meanest hug in the history of wrestling:

Also, serious question from Andy: When are the WWE, ROH and TNA going to start a class action lawsuit against Big Lots? How many of these cheap ass catering tables have to break before someone does something.

Wow. Uh. Bray Wyatt is The Truth.

***

Cody Rhodes playing Steamboat to Orton’s Flair is never going to get old (for me). Staring up at those lights so much is probably not the best for Cody, but everybody has to make sacrifices.

Is Orton trying to get the RKO not over? That will literally never happen. But if he’s trying to get wildly booed for it, and is prepping the crowd for when he tries to do the snake thing against Daniel Bryan, then yes keep doing that.

JBL playing the role of — and this is a line from Michael Cole — of press secretary for The Administration adds a weird political wrinkle, but (and I literally can’t believe I’m saying this) if anyone can keep up with JBL it’s Cole. Bradshaw repeatedly saying “we wish Cody well” with all future endeavors implied while Cole asks him “Seriously, dude, WTF?” is as good as we are going to get on commentary in 2013 (take that how you will). That Jerry Lawler is the voice of reason in this whole deal is really the only downside. Where’s (and I literally can’t believe I’m saying this) Alex Riley when you need him?

***

***YOU ARE NOW ENTERING WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION*** ***PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE*** CM Punk being able to exist in a world outside the main story arc will hopefully extend beyond this whole “Triple H really hates Paul Heyman” part. Having main eventers of Punk’s caliber standing outside of such an all-encompassing storyline are exactly how you avoid turning into late-period nWo. Like multiple revenue streams, having multiple ways to make guys (in this case, CM Punk making Curtis Axel) is as important as picking the right guys to give the push in the main storyline. Along with the almost official Intercontinental Championship-ification of the World Heavyweight Championship (as always, that’s meant in the best way possible), giving guys things to do where they don’t have to be shoehorned into one mega-storyline is really what’s “best for business”. *** YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION*** ***PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKE ON YOUR WAY OUT***

For a guy as intentionally erudite as CM Punk, he does a Dusty Rhodes-level common man promo.

***

What a terrible shit show that three-way Diva’s match was. It’s like they were struggling to agree on the rules of House, but in a wrestling ring.

Speaking of shitshows, it’s clear at this point that Ricardo Rodriguez needed those fat burners for medical reasons. Or, he’s been hanging out too much with RVD in his “super chill van”.

Alberto Del Rio dressing in grey is completing our dream of him being renamed Bruce and turning into the spanish version of Shark Boy. But in a good way.

***

Hopefully everyone appreciates how good that Cody Rhodes promo was. The term Reality Era gets thrown around a lot, but I’ve always preferred the Universe Era. Cody Rhodes isn’t telling the “Truth” as much as he’s telling the Universe’s version of “Truth”. They’ve created a comic book world, where Dustin Rhodes went insane after being made to do the Golddust gimmick and Dusty Rhodes isn’t a Hall of Famer whose been employed by the company for the last decade. These aren’t “facts”, but are the facts being presented as “facts” in the WWE Universe. That’s as kayfabe as you can get, just updated for the internet. Also, seriously, Cody Rhodes fiancee is STUNNING, so I’m sure he’d be fine going home to her, regardless. God bless him.

***

It’s hard to say how this match played out in the arena, but from a purely storytelling perspective, this told said a lot about how there is to love about Daniel Bryan and the credit they deserve for giving him the keys to the SuperFace Mobile. Even better, this is exactly the type of story that you can’t do with someone like John Cena, he’s too big and too strong for something like “Giant Dude Reluctantly Destroys You” to work. But with someone as talented in the ring (and on the mic) as Bryan, they can overcome the inherent “you look like a weakling”-ness of him getting destroyed by a giant through things like “heart” and “perseverance” and “hustle, loyalty and/or respect”.

This “new” Triple H entrance song is the most on-the-nose theme since “I’m an Assman” turned into the Billy and Chuck gimmick.

I had forgotten Paul’s name was Paul until Paul mentioned that Paul’s name was Paul.

Could Randy Orton put some pants on? He’s already wrestled. Did he not shower after?

Did anyone else get the feeling that Randy Orton got all the way down to the ring before he realized that he had forgotten his spray paint, then just improvised the “standing on Daniel Bryan with one foot” bit?

Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: Raw Regurgitated, 8/26

Of all of the reasons to want to watch Raw live that don’t include “hate working retail” or “not post Raw Regurgitated at 5 in the afternoon”, “being the first to tweet a #KofiKingston joke during that opening” tops the list.

Randy Orton has been in or around THIS BUSINESS for his entire life, absorbing knowledge from some of the great workers and storytellers in history. From Roddy Piper to Andre the Giant, he learned from the best the industry has ever seen. And not a single one taught him how to speak into a microphone without sounding like a complete idiot. It’s remarkable.

The switch from selling Daniel Bryan as an extremely talented, if generic face to The Face of the Company in terms of announcer rhetoric, branding and “staying on message” should make everyone wonder why Vince doesn’t run Linda’s campaigns. At this point, the WWE brain trust seems like it could get Castro over with a crowd in Miami.

***

There was a lot of bad in this clusterkerfuffle. Like, the entire thing.

Speaking of which — and not being able to speak into a microphone without sounding like a complete idiot — it’s hard to calibrate how good/bad it is that the only person who had anything interesting or engaging to say in those segments (this terrible match, Randy and Christian’s tough guy talk, and the Punk/Heyman+Axel segments) was Brad Maddox  invoking the Teddy Long clause, turning a really terrible match with a decent runover between Cody and Fandango into a really terrible tag team match with Miz in Fandango’s old trunks and Fandango on Damien Sandow’s shitlist again.

***

Curtis Axel can’t read cue cards, and it’s very depressing. Paul Heyman should just write the poor guy’s lines in his bald spot.

The WWE needs to do a better job of occasionally making the fan votes actually intriguing and not just an obvious plot device. There’s only so many times you can include one obvious option like THING WE ALL WANT TO SEE HAPPEN, AND WOULD PROBABLY PAY FOR with the other two equally obvious choices, like THINGS NOBODY WANTS and WE’D REALLY PREFER YOU PICKED THE OBVIOUS ONE, before people stop caring about these votes at all.

Curtis Axel may not be much of a talker, and looks more Arn Anderson than Ric Flair, but he’s not a bad worker. And he sells like he’s worried about losing his job when he finally goes bald. Which, at this pace, should be sometime during the 2014 Royal Rumble.

Uh. So. I know wrestlers can’t win Emmys, mostly because almost none of them can act and also, you know, it’s wrestling, but Paul Heyman should at least be nominated for a Golden Globe.

There’s been very little snark from the announcers with Paul E.’s, “Phil, I am your father” routine, and it’s not clear if it’s because it’s coming from a very real place within their real-life relationship, or if it’s because talking about Daddy Issues would be taken by Triple H as a personal attack on his wife and family.

***

It’s hard to say what got AJ’s pipebomb over more with the people on Twitter: the Bella’s SCREECHING reaction to everything AJ was saying like she was getting in their shot on Total Divas or the Chris Rock mic drop at the end. Either way, kudos to AJ for getting on TV as a wrestler without having to do a Beth Phoenix impression or farting.

***

Oof. There’s a lot to love about Ricardo. I mean that very literally. He was apparently just filling that bucket up with food at craft services.

It’s hard to tell if it’s worse that Rob Van Dam just got handed a PPV match or that this will likely be parlayed into a Rey Mysterio run with the World Heavyweight Championship.

***

Everyone knows that Randy Orton looks better when he is actually trying, but it’s difficult overstate how much better. But, taking a stab at it, whatever the opposite of that hideous neckbeard is on the “good” scale, that’s how much better it is when he gives a shit.

Christian as Jobber to the *Actual* Stars is what should got on that man’s Hall of Fame plaque.

They may have sold another 30,000-50,000 new PPV buys in one night from a story told in 3 five-to-ten minute segments that the crowd was actively engaged in, and all it took was a can of spray paint and a $70,000 dollar car. Why can’t TNA book like this?

***

That win was good for Titus O’Neill. Less good for the Prime Time Players chances of beating the Real Americans in an important tag match any time soon.

***

There’s going to be a breakdown in the Shield, and I agree with Noah (from this week’s episode of Headlock’d), it’s probably to be Seth Rollins on the way out. Which while wonderful for Seth, who should get a pretty great push out of the whole deal, is pretty much a bummer for anyone who has had a chance to watch Daniel Bryan and him work against each other in the ring.

***WARNING*** WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE*** ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK TO PARTS UNKNOWN*** These last few segments, from beginning to end, were everything good about the new WWE. The reason so many storylines have worked on so many levels recently in the WWE is that they finally begun to understand how important it is to have well-defined characters react to things that are happening to them, as opposed to generic characters reacting to a storyline. When you establish that Daniel Bryan has a never-say-die attitude, and keeps coming back after getting killed, that’s good booking. When you have Fandango make it VERY clear that he does not care about anything other than himself, and have him walk out of nearly every match then randomly start giving pronunciation lessons on his name immediately afterwards, that’s good booking. And when a guy like Triple H, who has essentially always done what’s best for business (outside of whatever the fuck happened at WM XIX) in-and-outside of the ring (even if people don’t like it) responds to years of criticism of claiming he was doing the the opposite by a significant portion of the viewing (and more importantly, buying) audience ends up giving that segment exactly what they want, while making it seem like he’s trying to do the opposite the entire time, that’s the best possible booking. ***YOU ARE NOW LEAVING THE WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE*** ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKE***