Watch, Skip or Skim: Spoiler Alert with “Angry” Andy (12/11-12/13)

Over the course of seven days, there’s a lot of wrestling on TV. But only some of it is actually worth watching. That’s where Spoiler Alert comes in: we break down the spoilers of all of WWE’s pre-taped shows to let you know what you should watch, and which segments and full shows you should skim or skip. This week, Andy sits back and enjoys the build to Tables, Ladders & Chairs.

(spoilers via Wrestlezone.com)

Curtis Axel d Dolph Ziggler in what is probably a pretty good match.  As long as they keep Curtis away from the mic, this should be really excellent.  Axel is solid in the ring, but needs someone to make him look like he’s the second generation stud he’s supposed to be.  Dolph Ziggler is definitely the guy for the job.

Natalya d Alicia Fox.  They’ve been building Nattie up for a credible run with the Divas title, so this is probably little more than a quick squash.  It doesn’t hurt that Alicia has improved over the years.

Xavier Woods & R-Truth d Tons of Funk when Brodus Clay starts arguing with Tensai.  Woods continues to get face time with the fans, Brodus continues his heel turn, and the match ends in a logical, inoffensive way.

WATCH this show. Everything is story-and-character based.  All of it matters.  And it looks like the action should be pretty good, too.

(spoilers via ProWrestling.com)

Kaitlyn d Aksana.  Man, they sure made a point to kill Kaitlyn, didn’t they?  If you find either of these women attractive, then enjoy the show.  The wrestling itself won’t be so pretty.

Los Matadores d 3MB. Yes, again.  This time, 3MB was represented by Jinder and Drew.  We’re sure El Torito did something the kids will enjoy.  That’s the last of the nice things I have to say for this show.

SKIP THIS SHOW. Just do it.  You’ll thank me.

(spoilers via Wrestlezone.com)

Daniel Bryan d Luke Harper & Erick Rowan by disqualification, in a 2-on-1 handicapped match. Bray attacks, but Bryan fights him off with a running knee.  Bryan stands tall… which means he doesn’t have a chance at TLC.

The Real Americans d Goldust & Cody Rhodes in a non-title match.  I’d be totally ok with Cesaro and Swagger playing the role of the Quebecers in 2K14 version of the Bret/Own split.  They’re two very talented, very HUGE men, who are both fantastically underrated in the ring.  They’re also joined by one of the best managers in wrestling today… so why not strike while the iron’s hot?

Bad News Barrett talks about the Slammy Awards.  I’m ok with this.  People are complaining, but they’re establishing a new character.  Let them establish him before you demand he wrestle the same match, against the same midcarders, that made you sick of him the first time around.

Mark Henry d Damien Sandow by countout, with Intercontinental Champion Big E. Langston on commentary.  I’d guess he didn’t get to see too much in this scouting mission.

John Cena makes an appearance, to talk about his TLC match with Randy Orton.

Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins d The Usos. Punk appears on the titantron after the match, guaranteeing victory at TLC.  Maybe he hired a sniper.

Big Show d Ryback again.  This time, they continued brawling, along with Curtis Axel and Rey Mysterio.  I smell a filler tag match for TLC…  oh, and a tag team nobody asked for: Mysterio and Big Show.

Kofi Kingston v Alberto Del Rio never happened, because Del Rio has a concussion.  That, and Miz came out to give Kofi the Skull Crushing Finale.  I guess that’s better than watching Del Rio beat Kofi for the hundredth time.

Randy Orton and Triple H  kiss and make up after what happened in Raw’s awesome closing segment.

WATCH THIS SHOW.  WWE is clicking on all cylinders heading into TLC.  They’re putting on quality matches, and booking to logical storylines.  Watch and enjoy it while it lasts.

Watch, Skip or Skim: Spoiler Alert with “Angry” Andy (12/4-12/6)

Over the course of seven days, there’s a lot of wrestling on TV. But only some of it is actually worth watching. That’s where Spoiler Alert comes in: we break down the spoilers of all of WWE’s pre-taped shows to let you know what you should watch, and which segments and full shows you should skim or skip. This week, Andy starts planning what he’ll do with the time he would have spent watching Main Event and Smackdown.

(spoilers via Wrestlezone.com)

Goldust d. Ryback

This was the advertised main event for this one, and I have a strange feeling it’s not going to deliver.  Goldy wins by DQ when Curtis Axel interferes.  Cody gets involved too.  I’m sure this is building to a tag title match for the least-over team in the company, but let’s face it.  WWE is desperate for this Ryback-Axel pairing to work.  Axel needs heat, and Ryback needs to work with more talented guys.  Unfortunately, the only time anyone cares about these two is when Ryback lifts a giant, or when the crowd decides to chant for a guy who hasn’t been relevant in a decade.

The Usos d 3MB

Jinder and Drew are representing 3MB here.  No idea what gimmick they’ll be representing, but I’m sure it’ll be fun.  The Usos are almost always fantastic, and this should essentially be a showcase for them.  The best current team never to hold the tag titles keeps on impressing.

Damien Sandow d R-Truth

In a logically-booked world, this match becomes an overbooked cluster-f featuring run-ins from Dolph Ziggler, Brodus Clay, Tensai, and Xavier Woods.  You know, because all those guys are currently intertwined in the storylines.  Maybe it happens, or maybe it’s just a simple match that Sandow wins.  I don’t know, because nobody seems to have any detailed spoilers.  Way to go, Tulsa.  This is why we can’t have nice things.

SKIP this show.  Yeah, sure, there is some decent talent on the card… but no one is doing anything interesting.  The only match on the show that matters is building toward a title match no one wants to see.  Spend this hour watching South Park re-runs and preparing for the latest new episode.

(spoilers via PWinsider.com)

Tyson Kidd d Justin Gabriel

…in the dark match, that is.  Tyson, your 2-week push is officially over.  If you want more TV time, I suggest cheating on Natalya during a Total Divas taping.

Randy Orton says he’s going to beat John Cena at TLC, and apologizes to The Authority for being a big jerk on Monday.  Daniel Bryan says he should be apologizing for being a bogus champion.  Under wrestling law, they must fight tonight.

Big E Langston d Fandango in a nontitle match.

Bad News Barrett says some things.  No idea what kind of things, but I’m sure they’re delightful.  No, seriously.

Kofi Kingston vs Alberto Del Rio never happens, because Del Rio murders Kofi before the match.  I suppose the Miz was busy making straight-to-DVD movies.

The Shield talked about murdering CM Punk, and teased some dissension.

Ryback & Curtis Axel d Cody Rhodes & Goldust in a nontitle match.  They’re seriously building to a title match here.  Ryback and Axel have done NOTHING to earn a title match, mind you, but they’re getting one.  Not the unstoppable Usos.  Not the popular Prime Time Players.  Not the heat-magnet Real Americans.  The so-called team who have maybe wrestled a half-dozen matches together.

CM Punk d Dean Ambrose in a nontitle match.  Reports are this was a good match.  Punk tweeted that he shit himself during the match.  Just like that, you have two reasons to watch.

Natalya d Tamina Snuka, which probably qualifies her for a Divas title match at TLC.

Big Show & Rey Mysterio d The Real Americans I’ll allow it, but only if Rey Mysterio takes a giant swing from Cesaro.

Randy Orton d Daniel Bryan with the RKO.  Bray Wyatt appears on the screen, inviting Bryan to join the family.

SKIM this show.  It definitely doesn’t seem like it’s worth 2 hours of your time (welcome back, Michael Hayes!)  That said, I would not miss Punk-Ambrose or Orton-Bryan.  Everything else?  Grab the remote.

@AndyMillerJMS

Odds and Ends, Fits and Starts: Raw Regurgitated, 12/2

It’s hard to say if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that CM Punk was the person I least enjoyed listening to in a three-way conversation between himself, Kane and Stephanie. At the very least, Corporate Kane has very quickly become my new favorite gimmick remix, replacing long standing champion of my heart, Matt V1. That’s right, I’m a proud MFer.

Stephanie’s a pretty awful actress — which is more than okay considering that she still manages to be better than Dixie Carter and understands how to serve as corporate executive for a business that isn’t the professional wrestling equivalent of a sinking ship on fire — but she plays “awful/detached insanely rich person” like Meryl Streep.

The real problem with the WWE: They won’t let people get over by giving them nearly insurmountable odds against new stars so that they could get over with the crowd by doing the seemingly impossible. If they did that , they could use that narrative dynamic to sell one of the 6-8 PPVs — depending on how one feels about buying the Survivor Series and/or Extreme Rules every year– that don’t sell themselves, while making stars out of everyone involved. If only they did that, things would be so much better.

***

Odds that Dolph Ziggler would face Big E. this early in his IC championship reign for the belt at a PPV: 1,000 to 1. Odds that Damien Sandow beats Langston for the title at TLC: 1,000 to 1. Odds E. loses that belt to Dolph Ziggler at the end of his run: Pick ‘Em. Odds Ziggler faces E. for the Unified Undisputed World War Wrestling Championship Belt Title after Langston wins it: 1,000,000 to 1.

If they are doing “Summer Rae is a female version of Fandango in the ring” with this “dancing while wrestling” thing, it might be the best news in the history of wrestling, because Here Comes the Emmalution. But if they are just having her do this because that’s what they think ladywrestling should be, they might as well just keep the women of NXT down in Florida until they all retire.

Things that are beautiful, but not long for this world: sunsets, a refreshing breeze, #BadNewsBarrett

***

*** WARNING: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE! *** PLEASE KEEP EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE AT ALL TIMES *** Man, they should just give Daniel Bryan a shovel, so he can dig his own grave, amirite? Anyone who thinks this Wyatt storyline isn’t fantastic — even with the fits and starts with Daniel Bryan’s whereabouts that 8% of the crowd actually worries about — is a bummer on the level of people who that John Cena has been the most popular performer in the company for the last ten years because of politics. And those people are as depressing as Hulk Hogan being the most popular performer in the world for 20 years because of politics.

And in all this Bray Wyatt “join me” business, while it’s hard to say what’s going to happen, the real interesting dynamic is whether Wyatt is trying to con Bryan, or whether he just wants him to turn heel. The former screams “Hero’s Journey,” while the other leads to a feud with CM Punk — after he nobly dispatches the Shield by himself in a parallel storyline.

This is pretty much the perfect “midcard” feud: it has tons of intrigue and even more stakes, but doesn’t involve a major title, won’t be featured at the end of any show and never be truly resolved, and still serves major purposes in terms of narrative momentum for both characters, marks a fundamental shift in the direction of their careers and, most importantly, will lead to much better things in the future for everyone involved.

Like Andy said last week, this is all highly interesting stuff with huge stakes, and it should be clear that this would be bogged down if the WWE or WHC was involved, especially in the ramp up to the most important “WrestleMania season” ever. They’ve figured out a way, in a manner not unlike Community or Arrested Development, to not just mix meta-commentaries into the product as a nod to those “in on the joke”, but to debate the very notions that the commentaries are pointing at.

Wyatt talking about “taking down the system because they don’t know what they have in you” is the exact same idea as the Bluths complaining about cuts to housing orders that sounded suspiciously similar to the ones made by FOX regarding the number of episodes they wanted to produce.  By making this about existential ideas involved in the modern interpretation of wrestling by its most vocal fanbase — “us vs. them” and shadow politickings — it’s allowed the Reality Era-storytelling to be folded back into the standard tropes of the industry, something that the Attitude Era, like grunge, just never had in it.

What “happens” backstage become, more or less, a new wall of kayfabe, a new layer of storytelling, a new tool to be used to leverage butts into seats. And they are doing so by pushing the fourth wall against every screen they can get their hands on.

That this — the incorporation of formerly radical ideas by the “establishment” — is more often than not what happens after revolutions should not be missed. They — meaning the WWE — are finally calibrating the effect of the internet to a time before Cyber Sunday or even Taboo Tuesday, and that’s a good thing. It coming with more complaining than you can shake a stick at? Something we should be used to by now. *** WARNING: YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE! *** PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKE ON YOUR WAY OUT***

WOAH. You can bury Edge and Chris Jericho, hotshot story lines to the top of the card before quickly discarding them in favor of much shinier new toys, and compare yourself to Harley Race and Hulk Hogan, but having Kane be a dick to Daniel Bryan is a bridge too far, Hunter.

***

As someone who has spent an entire life neck deep in white privilege — ICYMI: it’s great, for me anyways, thanks cultural hegemony! — it feels weird to get mildly indignant that a young man working toward his Ph. D is being put into a storyline with two of the most racial caricature-y characters in recent memory in which he’s been accused of stealing the others’ dance routine and companions, seemingly simply because they all happen to share a preponderance of melanin in their skin. But, yeah, this just feels kind of gross, even if it is just entertainment, and the all seem to A) not care about whatever weird racism pangs happen in my head and B) be genuinely enjoying themselves. The only saving grace is the the other guy in the feud (Tensai) was treated just as one-dimensional in Japan, so at least the U.S. isn’t the only one in the “depressing racial stereotypes” game, just the leader in the clubhouse.

Speaking of depressing racial stereotypes, if the WWE believes we are going to be fooled by this Sin Cara/Hunico switch just because it assumes we think all masked wrestler look alike, well … they are probably right.

***

And, finally, we’ve reached an impasse with the Shield six-man tags, as this was one of the first that felt “stale”. While it was a very good match with one or two spectacular moments, watching three guys work over one in the corner makes a lot more sense when it feels like they almost need to do it, not when it’s clear that one of them has beaten entire teams of other people by himself. Roman Reigns’ ascension seems like it will pretty much force the Shield to change how their matches are structured in order to keep the heat as the crowd builds anticipation for Reigns to go into full-blown destroyer mode after well-timed hot tags. Or, they could just keep running train.

The most important part of this match was not the re-dissolution of Kofi and Miz’s team or the solidification Ryback-Axel tag team, but the moment of self-actualization the two man achieved after they, as Jerry Lawler put it, “realized that maybe they weren’t Paul Heyman guys, but Ryback and Curtis Angl-Axel guys”. Namaste, Big Guys.

Ole!

***

Please don’t bring back Sexual Chocolate. Please don’t bring back Sexual Chocolate. Please don’t bring back Sexual Chocolate. Please don’t bring back Sexual Chocolate. Please don’t bring back Sexual Chocolate. Please don’t bring back Sexual Chocolate. Please don’t bring back Sexual Chocolate.

It’s so much fun to watch Antonio Cesaro to get moments of awesomeness like ending a “house of fire” hot tag with the sweet smell of Swiss Death.

***

I’m one of “those” people. I enjoy silly promos from Randy Orton about being people’s nightmares, I like when John Cena says “yadda yadda yadda, jack”, I even enjoy when he uses that silly finisher of his to put people through the table. And I’ve realized why: I like when the crowd reacts to things. And, when they are on, and put together in the right storyline, there is nothing on earth that the crowd reacts more to than Randy Orton and John Cena.

HAVING SAID THAT, if they do not end this thing with an undisputed champion, or at least one title — and it does not matter how they get there, even if it involves the return of the Yeti — they will have lost sight of what they are, and become what they hate. They’ll be WCW.

Watch, Skip or Skim: Spoiler Alert with “Angry” Andy (11/27-11/29)

Over the course of seven days, there’s a lot of wrestling on TV. But only some of it is actually worth watching. That’s where Spoiler Alert comes in: we break down the spoilers of all of WWE’s pre-taped shows to let you know what you should watch, and which segments and full shows you should skim or skip. This week, WWE lays the groundwork for some questionable storylines, and hopes you can stomach a holiday-themed Smackdown!

Main Event

 (spoilers via Wrestlezone.com)

Alberto Del Rio d Dolph Ziggler

I’d be willing to bet this is a pay-per-view quality match.  These are two of the most talented guys on the roster, even if they’re not in the roles they should be.  Del Rio needs someone who can make him look like a vicious killer, and Ziggler sells like a madman… this is good booking.

Damien Sandow d Santino

Reports say this one is a simple squash, which is unfortunate for Santino.  That said, Sandow really needs some wins, and a loss will never hurt Santino.  That said, I’d rather see this match get 10 minutes on Raw, with the same outcome.

TRIPLE FREAKING H makes a rare Main Event appearance.  The King of Kings cuts a promo backstage, saying he wants one WWE Champion, and to unify the belts.  I like this, because it’s something important happening on an “unimportant” show, completely separate from the immediate legitimacy Triple H’s presence already adds to the show.

Kofi Kingston d Fandango

This match can only serve one purpose- to further the feud between Kofi and The Miz.  Hopefully The Miz is on commentary (said no one, ever) so he can help push the feud on the mic.

SKIM this show.  Del Rio-Ziggler should be great.  The Sandow match is totally inconsequential.  Triple H will be a special “A-Show” treat on the C-program, and Kingston-Miz is a solid mid-card feud in the making,

SUPERSTARS

 

(spoilers via Wrestlezone.com)

Hey, remember Superstars?  Apparently, it airs Fridays on Hulu Plus.  This week’s show  was taped before Raw on Long Island, which means the crowd had to be REALLY hot for…

Zack Ryder d Fandango

Long Island loves Zack Ryder.  If he’s not on the show, the crowd chants “We Want Ryder!” all friggin’ night – so WWE got his appearance out of the way early.  If these guys are smart, they went Memphis for this bad boy.  The crowd is going to be hot either way, and it’s early in the show – take it easy and use the crowd to tell your story.

The Usos d The Real Americans

A friend at the show said this match was really good.  Considering who’s involved, I have no problem believing it.  Hopefully the crowd is just as good.

SKIM this show.  Watch or skip the opener, depending on your feelings on the guys involved.  But there’s no excuse to miss The Usos vs Cesaro & Swagger, on a show where they probably spent 15 minutes having an awesome match.

SMACKDOWN

(Spoilers via LordsofPain.net)

Randy Orton & Renee Young are in the ring, forcing Nick to watch the opening segment. (Editor’s Note: He’s right.) Orton brags about Survivor Series but walks out when asked about TLC.  Apparently, we won’t be talking about that OTHER World Champion.

Vickie Guerrero is hosting a Thanksgiving-themed eating competition backstage.  If this doesn’t end with her wearing a face-full of mashed potatoes, then I just don’t know wrestling anymore.

Mark Henry d Curtis Axel.  Quick match, with Big E Langston and Ryback ringside.  I hope this is leading somewhere.  4-way for the title at TLC?

Titus O’Neil wins the eating competition.  Millions of drumsticks, millions of drumsticks.  For some reason, victory here earns him a match against Antonio Cesaro, later in the broadcast.

Los Matadores & El Torito d The Plymouth Rockers

Get it?  Because it’s Thanksgiving.  Prepare to watch a midget bull take out three dudes dressed as pilgrims.

Tons of Funk d R-Truth & Xavier Woods

Apparently, Brodus Clay was upset that Woods stole his theme song, back-up dancers, and spot on TV.  The only way I’m ok with putting the floundering joke of a babyface tag team over the fresh talent from NXT will be if Clay and Sweet-T are turning heel.  But even then, there’s nowhere for them to go.  They’re not surpassing The Shield, The Wyatt Family, or The Real Americans.  They need to legitimize Woods – not have him squashed by the fat jobber tag team.

Bray Wyatt says Daniel Bryan is safe with him.  He says Bryan entered a man, but will leave a monster.  I’m ok with this.

CM Punk and Renee Young are in the ring.  Nick turns up his TV.  The Punker says he hasn’t heard from Daniel Bryan since he was kidnapped by the Wyatts.  He says he doesn’t know why The Shield attacked him on Raw… but thinks maybe they’re following orders from The Authority.

Antonio Cesaro d Titus O’Neil by DQ, when Darren Young interferes.  Yes, the heel won by DQ when the face tag partner interfered.  After the match, Titus pukes in JBL’s cowboy hat (HE ATE TOO MUCH.  GET IT?), and puts the hat on Michael Cole’s head.  Then he pukes on Zeb.  Little kids go nuts.  Everyone else reaches for the remote.

Goldust & Cody Rhodes d Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns in a tag title match.  The Rhodes boys win by DQ when Dean Ambrose interferes.  Punk comes out to clear house with a chair.  Then Vickie Guerrero comes out, and channels the spirit of Teddy Long.

Goldust, Cody Rhodes & CM Punk vs The Shield ends in a no contest when the lights go out.  The Wyatts are in the ring when they come back on.  The Usos and Rey Mysterio come out to even the odds.  Vickie comes back out once again, Playa, leading to….

Goldust, Cody Rhodes, CM Punk, Rey Mysterio & The Usos d The Shield & The Wyatt Family.

This cluster-f ends when Mysterio hits the 619 on Erick Rowan, who then eats a GTS from CM Punk.  Crowd goes home happy.

SKIM this show.  The tag team gauntlet of exponential growth sounds fun.  The Tons of Funk-Truth/Woods angle could turn into something.  Same with the IC title picture.  Everything else sounds like painful holiday show filler.  DVR is your friend.

@AndyMillerJMS

WATCH, SKIM OR SKIP: SPOILER ALERT WITH “ANGRY” ANDY, 10/28-11/1

There’s a lot of wrestling on TV every week, but only some of it is actually worth watching.  That’s where I come in: every week, I’ll break down the spoilers of all of WWE’s pre-taped shows to let you know what you should watch, and which segments and full shows you should skim or skip.  This week, there’s a lot to love… if you really love Ryback and/or using your remote to fast forward

MAIN EVENT

(spoilers via PWInsider.com)

Main Event continues to be my favorite hour of “main roster” wrestling WWE produces, but I think this week’s show looks less than promising.  Let’s get right to it.

Ryback d Kofi Kingston

Ryback wins a match he really couldn’t afford to lose, against a guy who once showed a lot of promise, and is now forever stuck as a midcard babyface.  Oh, it’s also the guy he once destroyed so badly he had to have surgery a day before the attack.  And it’s the same guy who NEVER SOUGHT REVENGE.  I’m sure NONE of that is mentioned on commentary.  Anyway, Ryback hits all his spots, and at one point, uses a Jackhammer on our favorite former Jamaican.  This serves as nothing but a C-show squash, slowly building to Ryback vs Goldberg.

Santino d Heath Slater

The Cobra continues to single-handedly squash 3MB.  See what I did there?  It’s probably as good as this match.  At least these guys are entertaining.

Los Matadores d “Los Locales”

Los Matadores have already been cast aside in their ready-made feud with the All Americans.  Swagger and Cesaro are after the tag belts, and Los Matadores are squashing a tired gimmick on Ion Television.  Speaking of the tired gimmick, is there really no better way to utilize the talents of Ricardo Rodriguez and Tyson Kidd?  If you have nothing better for these guys than a mid-90s job-gimmick, wish them well in their future endeavors and let them try their luck elsewhere.  This match will be solid while it lasts, but a complete waste of time.

Fandango d Great Khali

Fandango could be gold.  He has a gimmick, is at-least decent in the ring, and is paired up with a woman who is both gorgeous and talented.  Pairing him up with NXT’s Tyler Breeze would be perfect.  Asking him to carry the Punjabi Playboy? Not so much.

SKIP this show… unless you really love Ryback.

SMACKDOWN

(spoilers via PWInsider.com)

Smackdown! continues its run as the blue version of Raw…

Michael Cole interviews HHH.

HHH says Big Show is “banned for life.”  Fans immediately expect a Big Show run-in.  Hopefully, this is kept short.

John Cena promo…

Is interrupted by the Real Americans, Damien Sandow, and the Rhodes Brothers.  Vickie Guerrero channels the spirit of Teddy Long and books a 6-man tag for later tonight.

The Shield promo…

They’re sick of the Usos.

The Usos d The Shield

Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins representing the Shield in this one.  4 talented guys.  Should be a good-to-great match, IF it’s given time.

The Wyatt Family d Prime Time Players

Bray Wyatt hits his finish after the match.  Most likely a filler match, to sell the Daniel Bryan/CM Punk attacks from Raw.  The five guys in this segment are all trying hard to establish themselves and move up.  Hopefully, it shows.

MizTV featuring Shawn Michaels

No Shawn Michaels.  Randy Orton comes out instead.  It ends with an RKO, so this may be the first MizTV that’s actually worth watching.

Natalya & The Bella Twins d Alicia Fox, Tamina & WWE Divas Champion AJ Lee

AJ taps to the Sharpshooter.  Depending who’s in the ring, this could be good, or it could be a nightmare.  The good news is it will probably be kept REALLY short.

John Cena, Cody Rhodes & Goldust d Damien Sandow & The Real Americans

Swagger eats an AA.  Sandow, Cesaro, and both Rhodes brothers main event – as they should.  If they look like they belong in their with Cena, then this match served its purpose.

SKIM this show.  The action sounds good and the matches logical, but lots of promos.  You can probably watch the whole show in 25 minutes, courtesy of your DVR.

Follow me on Twitter @AndyMillerJMS

Gods, Kings, and Monsters: Raw Regurgitated, 10/28

***WARNING: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE*** PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE*** I’m sure “dark social” exploded during this opening segment. Everyone’s mentioned the “Insert [THE CHAMP IS HERE] Here” promo John Cena did at the beginning of the show, what could have been poor poor Damien Sandow’s Bill Buckner moment, and the first legitimate Money in the Bank briefcase cash-in failure, but what I haven’t seen mentioned is that Cena — for better or worse — exists largely outside of what’s going on with the rest of the show. Like CM Punk (especially in Cena’s absence), Brock Lesnar or The Rock, he is a walking main event storyline, something you can put at the top of the marquee and almost instantly get people interested. His brand, in the same way — and if I’m committing wrestling blasphemy, bless me Father Vince, for I have sinned — Harley Race’s or Ric Flair’s did, get people into the arena. He is known for a few things: insane crowd reactions, selling merchandise, working hard every night and, for lack of a better term, drawing eyeballs — which is different than drawing butts in seats. CM Punk may not “draw” in a tradition sense — though I get the feeling metrics are saying he does — he is a star outside of wrestling. He’s famous famous. John Cena just made Damien Sandow wrestling famous, which is a start, and I think Thomas Holzerman at The Wrestling Blog put it best: “While the future may prove this failed cash-in as WWE business as usual, I can’t say that the decision was a bad thing in and of itself.”There is something good that can come out of this for both of them. Cena needed to get Sandow’s cash-in out of the way as quickly as possible. It’s important that he could go instantly to making the WHC back into a World Heavyweight Championship and not the definitive “Thing we put on our best guy we absolutely can’t give the top-of-the-card title” like so much 1980s IC Title. They need you to think it’s important so the build towards the triple threat match Unification match between WWE Champion Randy Orton, World Heavyweight Champion John Cena and Royal Rumble winner Daniel Bryan doesn’t seem so convoluted. ***WARNING: YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE*** PLEASE ENJOY YOUR FREE MILKSHAKE ON THE WAY OUT***

***

Chances of Seth Rollins turning on Dean Ambrose or Ambrose turning on Rollins: 5 to 1. Chances of Ambrose turning on Roman Reigns: 2.5 to 1. Chances of Reigns turning on Ambrose: 1 to 2. Chances of Reigns’s version of “Superkick through Barber Shop window” being “Spear through Barber Shop window”: Off the Board.

There are times when it’s not okay for Ambrose or Roman and Reigns to interfere in their respective matches, but title matches against formidable opponents are not those times.

Brad Maddox has to book the match in front of people — the people in the arena need to know what’s going on — but why does he have to run to the ring? Can’t they just bring him up on the Titantron? That seems like it would be easier. If Big Show can show up in front of the backdrop from Abed’s comedy special at a moment’s notice, why don’t they have a backstage area set up to remotely communicate with the people in the ring when things start getting squirrelly in the ring? Even ignoring problems like “running in dress shoes and a 3-piece suit”, it seems like a lot of serious injuries could happen pretty quickly in an unsanctioned 6-man brawl.

***

If Roman can also pull off a Hollywood Reigns gimmick like the Rock or Batista, he would become my new favorite non-Randy Orton-as-serial-killer related version of a gimmick..

Shawn Michaels calling Daniel Bryan “a little puke” was a bit of magic from the 90s, when Southern guys like Cornette, Michaels and Bob Holly used to use the word puke to describe people in interviews.

The Sister Abigail that Bray Wyatt gave Bryan into the fence will be the first in a long line of SA’s that will rain down from the internet heavens in a wintry mix with Rollins sells of Cross Rhodes.

***

Are we supposed to assume that Los Matadores are saving their proper green outfits for WrestleMania?

***

What’s more irritating: that the best competition for AJ is someone fresh from development or that the commentators acts like that’s in any way a surprise?

Kane seemed like he was aware it was #KaneWeek, and as you’ll see why today in Essential Viewings: that guy ALWAYS does what’s Best for Business. Also, does this now make the Authority the The Authority X Ministry like a Street Fighter-Tekken game?

Thanks for ruining kayfabe by not doing the raised fist in the air thing like your “brother” The Undertaker after handing your mask to Stephanie, one of your real life bosses. You’re the worst, Glen.

***

CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Big E. Langston, the Usos and Mystery Partner vs. the Shield and the Wyatts should be a pretty good Survivor Series match.

Shameless plug of a potential upcoming column, feel free to divert your eyes: The WWE has finally done all of the things right to create a real working tag team division.  Credible champions –which they’ve mostly had with the Shield, Team Hell No and now Dem Rhodes boys —  can now have feuds with specific teams who they are trying to get someone or both over in (like Cesaro in The Real Americans), while another team or two can feud for the number one spot. What that means is really interesting, and I can’t wait to see where it’s going. (HERE)

Summer Rae is so much better than any  woman on the main roster that it’s hard to judge her relative to the people on NXT. You do get the feeling Paige is just as good — if not better — than Summer, but it’s hard to tell when Summer comes up to the WWE and immediately looks like Mike Vick that year me and my friends had to ban him in Madden.

***

It’s clear at this point that Big Show has some sort of force behind him right now, though only saying it through JBL screaming “How does he keep getting in the building?!” is probably the best course of action. Being them, though, they’ll tease Vince coming back next week in the commercials. You know, the ones where John Cena ends it by being menacing in an alley or a room or the characters wanted room at the USA Network, in slow motion?

The crowd really seems to love that the Big Show has NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE. It’s probably because they know that is basically code for “I’m going to punch someone and they are going to sell it like it was a cannonball to their face”.

Putting unfair expectations on storylines is bad, but it’s totally fair to say that if this doesn’t end with Mark Henry being The Authority’s answer to Big Show before he gets to Triple H, it’s fair to be at least a little disappointed for what could have been.

Watch, Skim or Skip: Spoiler Alert with “Angry” Andy, 10/21-10/25

There’s a lot of wrestling on TV every week, but only some of it is actually worth watching.  That’s where Spoiler Alert comes in: we break down the spoilers of all of WWE’s pre-taped shows to let you know what you should watch, and which segments and full shows you should skim or skip.  This week, we wonder why Seth and Goldust weren’t the Main Event of Smackdown!.

MAIN EVENT (spoilers via LordsOfPain.net)

Besides NXT, Main Event may be the best-kept secret in WWE TV.  It airs every Wednesday night on Ion television, features lots of solid wrestling, and minimal bullshit.  The con is that the main event airs first, so everything that follows feels really irrelevant.

Seth Rollins d Goldust

This match breaks the Main Event norm by going just under five minutes, instead of the typical 15.  But it continues the hot Shield vs Rhodes Family feud, complete with interference from Roman Reigns and Cody Rhodes.  Rollins is a great athlete and Goldust has been amazing since he’s returned, so you’d be a real fool not to at least DVR this bad boy.

John Cena return video

The crowd booed.  You will either take a leak, fast forward, or change the channel.

Real Americans d Prime Time Players

Swagger makes Titus tap out.  Cesaro should be getting the wins for the Real Americans, since he’s the teammate with a future.  Swagger has had two separate affairs with the World Heavyweight Championship, and both have failed. If he’s going to be involved in the finish, he should be putting the PTPs over.

That said, the PTPs have been coming into their own as babyfaces.  Cesaro is taking off.  Zeb Coulter is deep-fried racist gold.  This match is totally inconsequential, but definitely worth watching.

Cameron & Naomi d Aksana & Alicia Fox

Cameron and Aksana have zero wrestling skill.  Naomi is athletic and Alicia is ok, but that’s not nearly enough to warrant this match.  Shy of Aksana’s decision to strip naked, I’m not sure why this match was on a television show from any reason, business or otherwise. Avoid at all costs.

Damien Sandow d Dolph Ziggler

Ziggler’s jobbing on the B/C shows now.  Oh well.  Sandow is a great heel, and Ziggler is bumping machine.  Sandow should come out of this looking like a million bucks, and Ziggler won’t suffer for it.  Don’t let the worst of the divas division keep you from catching this one.

Watch this show… on DVR

Smackdown! (spoilers from PWInsider.com)

Michael Cole interviews Triple H about Big Show.  Daniel Bryan comes out and says “YES!” a few dozen times.  You may start watching this show around 8:20.  Nothing to see here.

The Usos d Wyatt Family

The Miz attacked Bray, causing Erick Rowan to go after Miz. One more reason to hate The Miz. With the Usos getting ready to challenge for the tag titles, and the Wyatt family on their way up, this is worth watching. You’ll just have to stomach the hard sell for the Miz as a babyface challenger for the dark and mysterious heel.  Spoiler alert : he’s not.

AJ Lee (with Tamina) d Nikki Bella (with Brie)

Love AJ.  Love that they’ve given her some serious heel muscle with Tamina.  Hate that the Bellas are faces because they suck.  The booking for this feud sucks.  Luckily, they kept this match short.  You should make a sandwich during this match.  You won’t miss anything.

Los Matadores d 3MB (with Zeb and The Real Americans at ringside)

Yes, this match again.  The only way this is worth watching is if Zeb spouts off a bunch of racist one-liners about El Torito.  The action is probably fine, but you know where it’s heading.  How’s that sandwich?

The Wyatts catch the Miz and chain him up.  Hope you oiled up that flabby physique, Miz.  You’re in for a rough night.

Ryback & Paul Heyman d “CM Skunk”

Remember when Heyman booked this show, and it was awesome?  It’s come to THIS.  Seriously.  Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel are around.  Ryback could have squashed them both and looked like a million bucks, while Heyman squealed in the mic about how he’s killing CM Punk.  Tag Heyman, Heyman pins them both. Nope. CM Skunk. Skip this.

Alberto Del Rio promo

As much as Nick loves ADR, the crowd doesn’t. Putting him up against John Cena seems to be their last resort in giving him a big heel rub. I think it’s more likely to turn him babyface again with the anti-Cena crowd.

Fandango vs. Great Khali, NC

“Fandango and The Great Khali went to a no contest when their respective ladies started fighting.”  That’s the write-up from PWInsider. My analysis? A major waste of Fandango’s gimmick and talent. Oh, and a major waste of time.

Daniel Bryan, Big E Langston and The Rhodes Brothers d Randy Orton and The Shield

Big E interrupts an RKO, allowing D-Bry to hit his flying knee and pin Orton clean.  This may end up being the only reason to watch the show this Friday.

This show starts strong, then falls into a giant pit of filler.  Luckily, it ends strong.  Everyone involved in the main event has been on fire. Don’t miss it.

Watch this show … and skip everything but the opener and the main event.

Bang for Your Buck PPV Review: WWE Battleground

Last night, Buffalo was turned into a Raw is Warzone, as the WWE presented BATTLEGROUND. This is the first incarnation for the event, and based on the tepid response both in the arena and the wrestling media, probably the last.

For those who missed the Night of Champions review, the criteria for these is simply: “Did I get my money’s worth?” in terms of the individual matches and the PPV as a whole, using the tried and true “what was this trying to do, and how well did it succeed” rubric.

Each match is rated plus or minus on a sliding scale between 1 and -1, with matches worth multiple rewatches worth 1, a just-quite-PPV quality match being 0,  and things that make me reevaluate being a fan earning up to a -1 score. The higher the number, the better Bang For Your Buck on the PPV. We’ll (eventually) keep a running tally for each PPV, and a handy list of PPVs we review to give you (and us) a better idea of what we thought was worth the time to check out in terms of matches and PPVs. As for the scale, it’s not particularly complicated but here are the basic levels (on a per-match average):

Like always, we’re going to be using what I said during the What’s the Worst That Could Happen preview to see how close I was to “predicting” what unfolded, and how it stacked up to my best hopes and worst fears. Enjoy!

World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio vs. RVD

What Nick Wants to Happen: A crowd that actually gives a shit about ADR, RVD continues his hot streak of “looking like he gives a shit during matches”, Damien Sandow or Del Rio leaves arena with title.

Because he’s an old-school foreign heel, and not so good with the (English) mouthwords (or at the very least has an accent people just automatically tune out), Alberto Del Rio needs faces who are incredibly over to make the crowd in the arena care about him, which subsequently makes him look good on TV. Thankfully for everyone, RVD is exactly that type of face. Allowing both of them to “explore the studio space” with the No DQ stipulation actually added a layer of interest to this because of Del Rio’s “shark monster” thing. The crowd popped huge for Ricardo’s work (as they should have) and the hardcore spots — especially the ***** Frog Splash — really helped add intrigue and excitement to what’s been a way-better-than-expected feud. This isn’t exactly the type of match that is worth the price of the PPV (see: Rhodes vs. the Shield), but if you are a fan of Del Rio (me), RVD (most other people) or reasonably hardcore wrestling would have been more than satisfied with this match. Although your mileage may  vary, as a huge ADR mark, this was well worth the PPV buy.

Match: +.8

Santino Marella and The Great Khali vs.

The Real Americans

Best Case Scenario: Antonio Cesaro finally makes up for the last few weeks of losses and embarrassment by giving Khali the Giant Swing, uses him to propel Santino up for Swiss Death, finishes match by Neutralizing both at the same time. Is immediately awarded WWE Championship.

This was exactly what anyone could want from this match in terms of a Best Case Scenario. Swagger looked good, Cesaro looked GREAT (pardon the pun) and will likely get a major push because of the Giant Swing. That  said, paying to see Cesaro do this:

when he’s already done it several times, and to super enormous people means that this gets the dreaded Meh rating.

Match: +/- 0 | PPV: .8

Intercontinental Champion Curtis Axel vs. R. Truth

What Nick Wants to Happen: A match where R. Truth’s offense looks believable, Paul Heyman praises Curtis after he wins handily.

I love Curtis Axel, and I think he’s doing a yeoman’s job with this title reign. This was what I wanted from the match, and it’s clear they are going to turn him face — likely with an actually creepy “Uncle Paul loves me the most!” thing opposite Ryback. I had no problem with this match. It was just a decent IC championship match for the sake of an IC championship match. But since you could pretty easily argue this should have been the pre-show free-for-all match, it’s only fair to rate accordingly.

Match: +.3 | PPV: 1.1

Divas Champion AJ Lee vs. Brie Bella

What Will Happen: Tamina helps AJ win, Stephanie comes out and restarts the match. Brie wins.

I enjoyed this match more than I thought I would. Would have preferred some Stephanie related shenanigans,  but they made the decision to apparently  keep them off the show — hopefully it was storyline-based and not an actual emergency or something — so this was the best you could get considering the circumstances.

Match: +.3 | PPV: +1.4

Rhodes Family vs. The Shield

What Nick Wants to Happen: Goldust carries the match, Cody comes in for the hottest tag ever, goes Super Mario on entire Better for Business Bureau.

What Will Happen: Cody wins, Dusty gets “hurt” by The Shield, Dustin takes a spear so big that it knocks the paint off his face.

This turned out exactly how we thought and how we wanted. This was as good as match as you are going to see on any show. There are times when wrestling translates directly the place where the feels are located.  It was clear from everyone’s reaction that this was a bigger deal for the Rhodes family than just a television angle. The Shield continue to tell a vibrant, interesting story every time they are in the ring, and working with a pro like Goldust and a guy who can go like Cody was a perfect compliment to their styles. I don’t know what else to say without gushing. So, here’s Dusty giving the Bionic Elbow to Dean Ambrose:

Match: 1.0 | PPV: 2.4

Kofi Kingston vs. Bray Wyatt

What Will Happen: Bray Wyatt has difficulty against Kofi because Kingston is the first guy you face in WWE 2k14 career mode after your debut storyline, but ultimately beats him after Kofi isn’t valiant enough to overcome interference from the rest of the Family.

Considering the gimmick right now with the Bray Wyatt character is that they “all will fall”, starting with the first guy on the trail to a mid-card belt — and maybe the guy you face to win it — Transitional Mid-Card Champion Kofi Kingston, there was literally no way that the match was ending any other way. I’m okay with the idea that we still have to pay to see someone like Bray Wyatt wrestle to a clean finish. There were moments of art, and the intrigue it puts on someone like Kingston, who is as white bread as it gets is also worth paying to see. If you the type of person who wants Kofi to seem like he’s worth anything, that shit costs (a nominal amount of) money.

Match:.4 | PPV: 2.8

CM Punk vs. Ryback

Worst Case Scenario: CM Punk wins, gets his hands on Heyman, faces Randy Orton for title at next month’s PPV.

Since this was 1/3 as bad as the worst case scenario, it’s hard to say this was a bad ending,  but I’m not sure where it takes us other than saying (to some people) that  CM Punk is harder to beat than R. Truth. Something no one has ever argued ever. The argument, I suppose, is that CM Punk blatantly cheated to beat Ryback. He’ll likely fall back on “doing whatever it takes to get to Paul Heyman” (all in Chicago-shouty voice), and Ryback will get to say CM Punk cheated and lied about it, and that’s what boo-wees do. Since this is nominally a main event match, and Punk went over and people pay to see Punk go over, even if it’s just against Ryback, then it’s worth at least half of what the Rhodes-Shield match was.

Match: +.5 | PPV: 3.3

 Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton for WWE Title

What Nick Wants to Happen: Daniel Bryan does Daniel Bryan things, Randy Orton does Patrick Bateman things, finish does Dusty things.

There are going to be a lot of people who complain about this ending, and an equal amount of people who think the people complaining about the ending don’t understand how wrestling works. I may agree more with the latter group than the former, but I definitely see where the people complaining are coming from. I thought it was a well done match with a clever ending highlighted by Brad Maddox’s “Rigging the Daniel Bryan-Randy Orton match blew up in his face” face. Other people saw a way to hold the belt in abeyance until John Cena comes back or they can move the storyline forward. Most of these people are cynics, or Triple H haters. And you know what? They are TOTALLY justified. This company has never done what’s best for business, so not exactly embracing them saying it after making you spend 60 dollars twice to have Daniel Bryan not go over, and no one gets the title to boot,  ignores on some level that, if done right, this will be one of the better storylines of the last few years. And sometimes, you have pay for some eggs to be cracked before the omelette is made.

Match: +.8

This PPV was as mediocre as everyone expected it to be, easily the least good PPV we’ve reviewed. But since there wasn’t a bad match, and it was a stacked card, it also had the most overall “value”. There were probably two matches that are debatable from our rankings — the Del Rio and Bryan matches — so, this may be also the lowest one we’ve had overall as well in terms of value. Outside of the brilliant Rhodes match, there was nothing particularly worth paying for unless you are already a fan of the product and the principles involved. Hopefully this is just a matter of them not wanting to shoot their wad before Hell in a Cell. Hopefully.

PPV: 4.1 | Match Avg: .4555 (.46 if you’re nasty)

What’s the Worst That Could Happen?: WWE Battleground Edition

It’s a PPV week! (We know, we were surprised, too) We have all your Battleground needs covered here at Juice Make Sugar. We started off with a Headlock’d PPV Prediction Special and now we ask What’s the Worst That Could Happen? Then, we’ll be giving you our world famous Bang for Your Buck PPV review on Monday morning.

To make sure you don’t miss anything, follow us (or me) on Twitter and like us on Facebook. Now that we’ve gotten the shameless plugs out of the way, let’s figure out What’s the Worst That Could Happen in Buffalo tonight:

Dolph Ziggler vs. “Mr. Money in the Bank” Damien Sandow  (Kickoff Match)

Best Case Scenario: The match gets so over that they claim that it’s “reached a time limit draw”, but the crowd threatens to riot, leading the match to be rescheduled for the main PPV, and the cancellation of Total Divas Divas match.

Worst Case Scenario: They both lose, Damien Sandow misplaces briefcase on the way to ring, can’t cash in on RVD later in the night.

What Nick Wants to Happen: A simple match where both guys look good and nobody gets made a fool of.

What Will Happen: Dolph loses because of interference from Dean Ambrose, continuing their feud onto the actual PPV.

Kofi Kingston vs. Bray Wyatt

Best Case Scenario: Bo Dallas comes down, talks Bray Wyatt out of the ring by explaining that they are really brothers, Bo Dallas turns Wyatt family into Bo-lievers.

Worst Case Scenario: Kofi goes over Bray Wyatt. For any reason, or in any way.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Bray Wyatt manages to look as interesting in the ring as his gimmick has looked out of it. Kofi gets set on fire (but in a way that he doesn’t get hurt). Becomes Kofi Wyatt.

What Will Happen: Bray Wyatt has difficulty against Kofi because Kingston is the first guy you face in WWE 2k14 career mode after your debut storyline, but ultimately beats him after Kofi isn’t valiant enough to overcome interference from the rest of the Family,

Santino Marella and The Great Khali vs.

The Real Americans

Best Case Scenario: Antonio Cesaro finally makes up for the last few weeks of losses and embarrassment by giving Khali the Giant Swing, uses him to propel Santino up for Swiss Death, finishes match by Neutralizing both at the same time. Is immediately awarded WWE Championship.

Worst Case Scenario: Santino uses Cobra to send The Real Americans to TNA, where they become the biggest face tag team in the history of the company.

What Nick Wants to Happen: The Real Americans get a much needed win, Santino manages to get the Cobra off, or at least has a comedy spot involving it. Because wrestling should be fun, and Santino is the most fun wrestler in the world.

What Will Happen: A mixture of Worst Case Scenario and What Nick Wants to Happen.

Intercontinental Champion Curtis Axel vs. R. Truth

Best Case Scenario: R. Truth loses his voice and is forced to hum lyrics to “What’s Up”, Curtis Axel quickly beats him, gives open challenge. Sami Zyan as El Local/Generico comes down and beats him in 20-minute Match of the Year candidate.

Worst Case Scenario: R. Truth wins, holds 20 minute long concert where he just raps the lyrics to “What’s Up” and the clean version of “Kim” from the Marshall Mathers LP.

What Nick Wants to Happen: A match where R. Truth’s offense looks believable, Paul Heyman praises Curtis after he wins handily.

What Will Happen: R. Truth wins, Paul Heyman calls Curtis fat and tells him no one will ever love him. Heyman tells him he watched his girlfriend die and could have saved her, but instead did nothing.

Divas Champion AJ Lee vs. Brie Bella

Best Case Scenario: AJ uses Brie Bella as a thing to do flippy/spinnies on, Brie doesn’t botch anything or hurt herself/AJ.

Worst Case Scenario: Brie winning, AJ immediately starts feud with Tamina. Is broken in half.

What Nick Wants to Happen: A match that lasts long enough for me to have a good pee break.

What Will Happen: Tamina helps AJ win, Stephanie comes out and restarts the match. Brie wins.

Rhodes Family vs. The Shield

Best Case Scenario: Goldust turns on Cody, gets full-time job with company, starting feud between the two which culminates in WrestleMania match between the two.

Worst Case Scenario: The Shield wins, Stephanie comes out and actually fires all three Rhodes in real life. Says “that was for complaining about the polka dots”.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Goldust carries the match, Cody comes in for the hottest tag ever, goes Super Mario on entire Better for Business Bureau.

What Will Happen: Cody wins, Dusty gets “hurt” by The Shield, Dustin takes a spear so big that it knocks the paint off his face.

World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio vs. RVD

Best Case Scenario: Del Rio beats up RVD earlier in the night, Dolph Ziggler is moved into match, and wins. Damien Sandow cashes in on exhausted Ziggler.

Worst Case Scenario: RVD wins, signs contract extension using fallen Del Rio as table.

What Nick Wants to Happen: A crowd that actually gives a shit about ADR, RVD continues his hot streak of “looking like he gives a shit during matches”, Damien Sandow or Del Rio leaves arena with title.

What Will Happen: Alberto Del Rio loses in a hard-fought match because of (warranted) interference from Rodriguez and destroys RVD in the aftermath. Damien Sandow comes back and cashes in MitB.

CM Punk vs. Ryback

Best Case Scenario: CM Punk makes Ryback look as good as he deserves to. Disney sends cease-and-desist letter to crowd, forcing them to move past insane “Goldberg” chants because of concerns over copyright infringement.

Worst Case Scenario: CM Punk wins, gets his hands on Heyman, faces Randy Orton for title at next month’s PPV.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Ryback goes over mostly clean, is shown partying with Curtis Axel after as Heyman looks on like proud father.

What Will Happen: Ryback wins with heavy interference from Axel and Paul E., CM Punk almost gets his hand on Heyman. Cuts promo tomorrow about how he wants to get his hand on Heyman.

 Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton for WWE Title

Best Case Scenario: Randy Orton wins, screws over both Triple H and Bryan in the process, leading to blow off match at Hell in a Cell which FINALLY ends feud.

Worst Case Scenario: Randy Orton wins clean in the ring, turns crowd for him with 15 minute speech on the pitfalls of rooting for underdogs.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Daniel Bryan does Daniel Bryan things, Randy Orton does Patrick Bateman things, finish does Dusty things.

What Will Happen: Interference costs Daniel Bryan match, Randy Orton crawls out as champion while JBL/Cole/Lawler argue about merits of victory.

Bryan’s Still Got It: Raw Regurgitated, 9/9

For a guy who is not particularly great on the mic, a less than stellar wrestler and a mediocre personality, Edge is pretty over in his hometown.

Speaking of being pretty over, it’s fun to watch them play with the crowd to invoke a response for Daniel Bryan. It’s that fun area between pandering and playing fetch with the crowd.

Triple so badly wants to say “March of Dimes” when talking about Edge’s Stack-of-Dimes neck. If only they didn’t have that exclusive deal with the Make-a-Wish Foundation! And is this worked shoot right now on what anyone who isn’t a total mark thinks about Edge?

***

Kofi Kingston really looks like he has a chance to win the belt at some point in the near future. So that the next guy they put it on to make it important has someone the fans like to beat for it in the slightly less near future, of course. Those big boy pants are pretty nice, though.

Heyman apparently just realized how badly Intercontinental Champions are booked to look in WWE. He looks pissed.

Surprising that didn’t they include the interview where Jerry Lawler asked Goldust if he was “queer” in this video package

***

Dolph Ziggler being “punished” by having to face a trio directly tied to the main event storyline = good. Dolph Ziggler being punished by having to face a trio as far away from the main event as possible = less good.

If Bray Wyatt had a match at NoC, “Jerry Lawler making puns based around evil religious authority figures” would be worth only one sip for the drinking game, and everyone would die from alcohol poisoning.

Remember when Bray Wyatt told that really interesting story about how he got the name for his finisher, Sister Abigail? Neither does Michael Cole, apparently.

***

WHY ARE THEY GIVING HIM A REAL MEDICAL EVALUATION ON AN ACTUAL WRESTLING SHOW?

Little known fact: Jerry Lawler once had a heart attack, and the doctor in the ring saved his life. Yeah, apparently it happened in Canada too! Who knew?

The rundown I use to help me write this with says that there was a Diva’s six-woman tag match on this show. Looks like we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that one.

***

Even R. Truth is tired of R. Truth’s gimmick. Couldn’t he have been in the Cody Rhodes spot? Road Dogg could have come back to defend his honor and everything!

At least this crowd’s indifference to Alberto Del Rio feels less racist.

***

“Tell them their country sucks because it doesn’t do enough to make your myopic view of your country come to fruition.”

– The Art of the Heel Promo with Zeb Colter by Zeb Colter

It may be #AntonioCesaroWeek at Juice Make Sugar HQ, but it’s a #SantinoMarellaLife.

Wow. Just Wow.

OOF. Nobody shouldn’t love Santino, he’s great, but having Antonio slip on the banana peel doesn’t make anybody look good. At least he didn’t have to take the Cobra.

***

The Miz vs. Damien Sandow: The Battle of Who They Could Care Less About on Raw.

***

If it took 2 years of Randy Orton being the meh-iest of the meh as a face just to establish a bunch of spots that can be countered now that he’s a heel, we have to accept it.

The most surprising part of this match isn’t that Goldust looks as good as he does, but that he’s actually bigger and almost as athletic as Randy Orton. Dustin Rhodes never being a World’s Champion is like Barry Bonds never winning a title. It was at least partially his fault, but it’s still a travesty and failure on a human level.

When will wrestlers learn that turning your back on Randy ALWAYS ends with an RKO? It’s like punching Hulk Hogan in the face after he’s started shaking, or wrestling Batista after he’s had sex with Melina. It’s not going to end well for you.

***

People just want you to go straight to the RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROBBBBB! VAN! DAM! part, Ricardo.

This match is the perfect example of the danger of crowds getting too hot. They want to like this match, but are so wound up that they keep fighting each others chants and can’t really get anything going. That and Ryback/RVD have as much chemistry as Rusty Venture and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.

She may only have two speeds — strong, independent woman and strong, independent major league b-word — but Stephanie has been doing yeoman’s work as the worst parts of her father’s disinterest in people and the best parts of his false sense of sincerity during this program.

***

Having fell into a Dean Ambrose/Jon Moxley promo hole this past weekend, the less that he says now the better. Line at the level of “unless Andre the Giant’s ghost is in that battle royale, I ain’t losing at SummerSlam” work a lot better when you hit a home run almost every time. Over exposure is dangerous for everyone, but when you spew pure gold out of your mouth, rationing it out is what’s “best for business”

They’ve finally figured out that superheroes look best when they’re trying to avoid the henchmen. Thank God for Chikara.

***WARNING YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A SERIOUSLY WRESTLING DISCUSSION*** PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE*** For all the internet nerds who complained about Daniel Bryan ending every week on his back with members of the Better for Business Bureau lording over him: that is why you book things that way. Wrestling nerds need to start to understand the difference between what they think they want (Daniel Bryan winning every week) with what they actually want (Daniel Bryan becoming the face of the company). It’s obvious to say after years of complaining about John Cena as Superman, wanting Daniel Bryan to be Spiderman is fifteen different times of dumb, but nights like this show it. They’ve managed to get everyone hot for the PPV, subtly introduced the Jumping Knee Kick as his finisher and made it seem like if he just gets the chance, he can win the title. It’s like a wise man once said: Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light. I think his name was David Fincher. ***WARNING YOU ARE NOW LEAVING A SERIOUS WRESTLING DISCUSSION***ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKES ON THE WAY OUT***