Tag Archives: Zack Ryder

Headlock’d Presents: The Script for the 2013 Supplementary Slammys

Just like the Oscars, sometimes certain Slammys aren’t deemed important enough to make it to television.  Unlike the Oscars, sometimes certain awards aren’t deemed important enough to make it onto WWE.com.  Because we leave no stone unturned, we have decided to bring to light the unsung heroes of the WWE.  These are the Supplementary Slammys!

The Slammy for “overuse of a pop culture phrase”of the year goes to:

Zeb-twerks

Twerkin’

Presented by: Michael Cole

Of course Michael Cole would present this.  It has been very easy to get sick of the phrase “Twerkin”, as it did not take long at all for this to make it into news broadcasts and parent-teacher programs that try to relate to kids.  Like “Word Up”, “Crunk” and “Old School” before it, this word had the coolness sucked dry from it faster than Fandango-ing.  Unlike “Word Up”, “Crunk” and “Old School”, this is an awful, awful, awful thing and deserves to be shot dead.  “Twerkin” is not something new and existed long before Miley was a twinkle in her dad’s achey-breaky eye.  The only difference between what strippers do at work and “Twerkin” is that the twelve year old from the YouTube video posted on your Facebook wall didn’t generate enough hits to monetize their content.  Keep fighting the good fight WWE.

Accepted by:  Anyone member of the roster over the age of forty-five. Seriously, anyone will do.

The Slammy for “WWE staff member of the year” goes to:

1672140-docsamson01

Dr. Michael J. Sampson

Presented by: Zack Ryder with a plate full of food from catering

When I first heard his name I was really disappointed he wasn’t a muscular superhero psychologist with long green hair.  Truth be told, a year ago I barely knew who he was.  If I saw him walking down the street, I wouldn’t recognize him.  One year later and I wouldn’t recognize him unless he was wearing a WWE black polo. I see him retweeted on twitter, being briefly featured in angles, referred to by name and even getting a line of dialogue.  The fact that he has had more screen time on RAW than Yoshi Tatsu means he has truly earned his Slammy….that and saving Jerry’s life.

Accepted by: Sandra the Seamstress, who steals the Slammy saying it is rightfully hers.  This starts a four month feud that culminates at Wrestlemania, bumping the mixed gender tag match off the card.

The Slammy for “The Milford School of Refereeing WWE Official of the year” goes to:

Marc-Harris-Layla

Not Marc Harris

Presented by: Natalya

I don’t care who gets it.  Break it into pieces so that every referee not named Marc Harris gets some (shouldn’t be too hard, it’s probably chocolate on the inside.)  Remember that awkward Natalya/AJ Lee finish a while back?  Where Natalya had to force Marc Harris to raise her hand in victory when the match wasn’t over yet? Maybe Harris made the right call that night, maybe not.  That’s not the issue.  It’s the response of “a Great ref would pick that up & I did” and “A lot of ‘know it alls’ think they know the rules, but they don’t.  That’s why I’m professional cause I’m the best”.  When the world thinks you royally screwed up on TV, being a pompous, super defensive prick may not be the way to go.  Just saying.

Accepted by: Scott Armstrong with a hacksaw

The Slammy for “Meme-Face of the year” goes to:

big-show-aaahhh

Big Show’s “I’ve had it” angry-sad face

Presented by: Sin Cara

Big Show looks like a kabuki performer with no makeup.  Come to think of it, Knucklehead would have been amazing if it was adapted for Kabuki theater.

Accepted by: Big Show. He’s crying.

The Slammy for “Underused performer of the year” goes to:

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JTG

Presented by: Triple H

I defy you to find someone who was used less than this man.  I really like JTG.  He did most of the heavy lifting when it came to in ring work with Cryme Tyme and his work as a singles competitor on NXT Redemption was surprisingly fun.  Hell, I saw the man in the ring with ol’ Michael McGillicutty at Wrestlemania Axxess and he worked the (minimal) crowd to be one of the most over guys in there.  Was he ever going to be a main event player? Probably not, but he at least could’ve had a chance at the mid card in the Zack Ryder position.  However, once the WWE decided they had nothing for him, they stripped him of his street wear and kept him off TV.  They didn’t change his character, they just took it away.  Now seeing JTG wrestle is like seeing the Loch Ness Monster, I know it happens, but it’s near impossible to prove.  At least Yoshi Tatsu shows up backstage now and then.

Accepted by: Triple H, cause they told JTG to stay home that night. Hunter unwraps and eats the chocolate

The Slammy for “Mike Adamle Memorial Commentator/Backstage Interviewer of the Year” goes to:

Renee

Renee Young

Presented by: Alex Riley

Oh, Renee. She is the best interviewer they have, and has quickly put herself right below the Gene Okerlunds of the world as an actual character with value,  AND she’s the first female commentator in WWE history with her work in NXT. All while not trying to be “one of the boys”, which is to say pleasing to listen to and genuinely interested in the product.  She didn’t come off the model assembly line and get randomly stuck in WWE until a better deal comes along, she knows the product from her being a lifelong fan, and her work with Arda Ocal and Jimmy Korderas on Aftermath makes us appreciate her all the more.  She was robbed by not being nominated for Diva of the Year, but her career is still young and still has to go through the Sami Zayn love story angle that millions of fans have already written about in fan fiction.  In five years time she will have joined the Smackdown Commentary team.

Accepted by: Renee Young.  Alex Riley congratulates and hugs her just a little bit too long to be comfortable

Andy’s Angry: Breaking Down Brodus and Remodeling the Midcard

It’s always amazing to see how much certain wrestling fans truly hate their theatrical sport of choice.  If they’re not getting what they want, these fans explode about what WWE should be doing.  When they get exactly what they want, they complain that the angle is being hot-shotted, or just botched in general.

Take, for example, the midcard.  Fans have long cried out for a need to rebuild the midcard, and to make the matches matter.  Give the guys a reason to fight, instead of just having them fight.  You may have noticed, lately, a lot of tag guys and lower card guys are actually getting over, and it’s not a coincidence.

People also cried for new talent.  The Shield, The Wyatts, Cesaro, Fandango, and so many others say hello.

2 weeks ago, WWE attempted to rebuild a floundering mid-card tag team, while also introducing and establishing a promising new talent.

And it was brilliant.

A week after he was introduced to the mainstream audience, Xavier Woods came out with Brodus Clay’s dancers – and his theme song.  A few days later, Big Brodie was PISSED that the young guy was stealing his gimmick – and his spot on the show.  It immediately established Woods as a relatable underdog, and set the wheels in motion for a long overdue Brodus Clay heel turn.  It also set up a series of matches where Clay gets to finally work like the big man he is, and let the crowd get behind Xavier.

So naturally, the internet drops trou’ and declares this a big ol’ steamy pile of wrestlecrap.

Are you kidding me?

I didn’t see many complaints about Woods, but man do people have a problem with Brodus Clay.  In particular, people hate him for declaring himself a “main event player,” in comparison to a rookie like Woods.  Apparently, these folks would rather have Clay declare himself a jobber, or a failed comedy gimmick, than try to sell himself and sell the feud.  And since when do heels have an accurate opinion of themselves? Part of what makes them heels is the disconnect between reality and what they say reality is.

Which makes me  think that the people complaining have never actually watched professional wrestling.  Story lines like this one are almost literally Wrestling 101, and everything that is right about the business:  It uses established undercard monsters (Clay and Tensai) as a platform to introduce a new character (Woods)  using a clear and obvious size disparity and they’ve attached him to an established babyface (Truth) to make sure the fans cheer the new guy by association.  Even if it didn’t do all that, it would still be using two babyfaces to take two floundering guys, and give them new life as bad ass heels.Whether or not the internet likes it, this angle is already a success.

Not only does it work, it shows that WWE could take its “future future endeavors” list and create some midcard stars. There are a bunch of unused (or underused) guys who have been on TV – who could be used a lot better.  In no particular order- David Otunga, JTG, Ezekiel Jackson, Mason Ryan, Ricardo Rodriguez, Yoshi Tatsu, Zack Ryder, Evan Bourne…

Let’s start with JTG.  Right now, he’s dead in the water, but it wasn’t always that way.  He was OVER as a member of Cryme Tyme.  And he’s been off TV long enough that you could easily revive the gimmick, and retcon his miserable singles run.

There’s only one problem.  His former tag team partner thinks he’s an actor now, and isn’t coming back.  My solution?  Since Mason Ryan would be busy with my next idea, I’d team him up with Ezekiel Jackson.  JTG did all the work in the original team, and let Shad take the hot tag.  That would work just fine here.

And if you’re trying to recapture Cryme Tyme magic in 2014, give them a high-powered attorney who keeps them out of trouble. There’s a certain Harvard Law grad floating around who could use something to do.  Unless Mr. Hudson Otunga is busy, that is.

Just like that – you’ve got an undercard tag team that, if nothing else, could be used to build teams like The Real Americans and Tons of Funk for tag title shots.  And you’ve given them a Teflon gimmick with a charismatic manager to boot.

Zack Ryder has a segment of fans that love him.  Right or wrong, they’re going to chant “we want Ryder” at live events—especially in the northeast.  So cash in on it, using some other talented guys with nothing to do.

How? The FBI.

ECW fans will remember the original incarnation of the Full Blooded Italians.  They’ll also remember that half the stable wasn’t Italian.  Hell, some members weren’t even white.  But that didn’t stop the group from parading around as a family of tough-guy Italians.

Re-use that formula here, but with Ryder leading a group of quasi-Long Island douche bags.  Curt Hawkins is still under contract, right? Evan Bourne could easily fit the bill, given enough hair gel.  Mason Ryan could be the group’s muscle.  Better yet, Zack’s famous cronie The Big O is coming along quite nicely in NYWC.  And a fake-Italian/guido stable would be far more productive than anything else Yoshi Tatsu is up to.  Team them up as the L.I.E., and  make it stand for whatever you want it to.  Then feud them with Santino.  Sell a lot of t-shirts.

A lot of people love Ricardo Rodriguez.  He’s funny, he’s charismatic—and he can work.  The only problem is, it’s been established that he’s little more than a punching bag in a bowtie.  Now, in fairness, WWE did set him up for a future return and legitimate run, saying that he was moving to the WWE Performance Center to learn how to wrestle.  But I have a better idea.

Use Ricardo Rodriguez as your next masked luchadore.  Call him anything BUT El Local.

Give him a gimmick, a back story, and the chance to get over as a legitimate wrestler.  If it fails… he’ll always be Ricardo Rodriguez.

Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel were a good little “London & Kendrick” kinda tag team, until Kidd got hurt.  Now he’s back, and neither guy is doing squat.  Team ‘em up and let ‘em go.

No, seriously, that’s it.  Just let these guys wrestle.

I could go on, but I think you get my point.

Of course, not every gimmick is going to work out.  Sometimes, a silly rapper gimmick turns into the biggest superstar in wrestling.  Sometimes it’s Slam Master J and nobody remembers you at all. Maybe Bad News Barrett turns into a main event gimmick.  Maybe it’s a “Just Joe” afterthought.  Who knows?

Not everyone makes it to the top.  But you can be a success without being number one and it wouldn’t hurt to give some guys a chance to grow as performers and connect with the crowd.  It certainly isn’t hurting Brodus Clay, Tensai, Xavier Woods and R-Truth to have a shot at something meaningful.  The proof is in the crowd reactions, and given enough time, the merch sales.  And WORST case scenario, every roster needs  a 3MB.

I hear and read a lot of complaints about Cena and Orton staying on top of the show, a decade after they took over.  You want that to end?  Someone else needs to get a shot—and everyone has to start somewhere.

So stop complaining, and enjoy the ride.

@AndyMillerJMS

Pretty in Pink (and Black & Blue): Raw Regurgitated, 9/30

He’s among the best in the business on the mic, but man does CM Punk forget his lines a lot.

It’s easy to forget that part of paying for a ticket to Monday Night Raw is paying to see certain people wrestle. Then, they have Big E. Langston come out and wrestle CM Punk for no real reason and you remember: Oh, right, people are really just here to see him and (maybe) Daniel Bryan.

There’s been serious rumors of a Big E. face turn. Taking the audible N-word out of his entrance music would probably be a good start in that direction.

***

I say this as someone whose grandmother died of breast cancer: everybody does (and should) hate breast cancer and want it to end, but, if its means we get these beautiful shirts every October, then that might just be something we have to deal with.

In case you were wondering, getting your name mentioned during last week’s first segment was them telling you who is going to get fed to stars they actually for the next couple of weeks.

Speaking of which, is it just me or does Bray Wyatt feel like he’s starting off in WWE 2K14 story mode and Kofi Kingston is the first guy he has to beat in order to move on to a meaningless  IC title feud.

***

This is something that’ll get the Cageside Seats treatment from me, but that Los Matadores managed to be pretty much everything I love about wrestling with a lovely red bow on top. From the call-and-response entrance music, to the INSANE El Torito introduction (replete with smoke coming out of the nostrils of a seemingly magical bull) these two are going to be HUGE stars. You know, if the adults in the audience can understand that not only are they for kids, but Spanish/Mexican kids.

For all I know, they could have been using that finisher for years, but if that doesn’t make them the biggest stars in the tag team division for the next year, I’m quitting the writing about wrestling racket. I am all in with Los Matadores.

***

Based on how many times she insists on bringing it up, the smart money is on Stephanie having written that “give Cody a Bed, Bath and Beyond gift certificate” joke.

Eternal questions: Did they have Dustin wear to a tan suit so that he would look different from Dusty and Cody  or because they wanted to match his Goldust make up.

Good to see the Shield (and the WWE finally figured out that people were finding it more and more implausible that wrestlers would actually wait to get their asses kicked by the Shield as they made their way through the crowd after their music hit and just had them appear out of thin air.

***

If R Truth ever run out of breath while trying to rap to the beat for his song, you have to wonder if he’d still just hum along to keep it going. .

HASN’T CURTIS AXEL EVER SEEN WRESTLING? HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW TO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO ENTRANCE MUSIC? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH ENTRANCE MUSIC RELATED TRIVIA TONIGHT? IS IT JIM JOHNSON’S LAST DAY?

Truth dancing in the middle of the ring after beating Axel is great, but in the way that celebrating after tackling someone for a short gain early in the game is: it’s relatively meaningless and will more than likely come to bite Truth in the ass at some point.

***

And Brie Bella, with the Michelle McCool “I’m in a relationship with a top guy” Memorial title shot. Does , explaining that they’ve been together for almost two year negate any chance at a “he was mine first” angle to this Brie-AJ match? I sure hope it does, because that would be just awful.

There’s a lot to be said about Zach Ryder getting this much offense against Alberto Del Rio on the go-home show for a PPV. Most of it involves me cursing and saying Long Island sucks.

Thank God for the Cross-armbreaker. ADR has turned that into the submission version of Sweet Chin Music and I couldn’t be prouder.

***

This managed to be both beautifully done and mildly repulsive (well, mostly Jerry Lawler’s reactions were repulsive). One on hand, it’s a lot of “look at how creepy Ryback and Heyman are with each other, because GAY LOLZ”, but on the other hand, it’s Paul Heyman saying “HEY, EVERYONE, I’M IN LOVE WITH RYBACK AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS,” which is good for everyone involved. Including the fans.

***WARNING YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE*** PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE*** This was not good. At no point did Heyman really seem like he thought Punk was injured, and him moving towards Punk seemed more to do with being aware the spot wasn’t working the way it should have than a narrative reason. The idea that they know each other so well that they can get each other to fall into ridiculous traps only really  works in retrospect — like Punk saying “I knew it was a trap but I didn’t care”. When you do it in real time, and without a believable injury (everyone knew Punk was faking), you are is basing the entire segment on the reaction of the crowd and how badly they want CM Punk to get Paul Heyman. It should be the other way around. This was a very bad night for Punk and a very good night for Paul Heyman and definitely not for the reasons it was supposed to. ***WARNING YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE*** PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKE ON THE WAY OUT***

For a dude that can’t take a bump with a roadmap and a spotter, thanks for taking that Kendo stick like a champ, Paul.

***

Someone wrote in the comments of the Best and Worst of Smackdown that despite watching nearly every single one of their matches, he is still surprised by the ways in which the Shield manages to win nearly every single one of their matches. If you don’t think that’s the best part of this run by the Shield, you are watching wrong.

The crowd’s reaction to Big Show finally losing their shit is why you spend a month having him punk old people and douche bags that they tell people they should kind of like.

Wow, Stephanie continues her MVP season with an ED joke about Big Show to knock it out of the park. You can have Cabrera,Trout, Kershaw and McCutchen. I’m taking the classy broad from Stamford, CT.

***

WOW, those We, The People shirts are sharp. Would recommend. Relevant to my interests.

***

Either Daniel Bryan’s notes for his promo in his beard or he thinks that stroking his beard is somehow more interest than him saying something of value. I never thought Danielson would make me miss John Cena, but if you insist on doing a screamy-face promo for screamy-face promo sake, then we are going to have to re-evaluate this entire thing, Mr. Bryan.

Hey, Randy! That’s not right! Mentioning that Brie and Bryan share a bed is absolutely NOT PG. They aren’t even married!

#AntonioCesaroWeek: GIF Parade

It’s Day Three of #AntonioCesaroWeek, a celebration of all things Very European/Real American and the second installment of our patent-pending Juice Make Sugar Wrestler of the Week series. We started off with A Wrestler You Should Probably Know Better, before giving you the finer points of the Claudio Castagnoli oeuvre with some Essential Viewing. Today, we mixed it up, starting off with a special appearance by a Relatively Happy Andy and now we march through the end of Hump Day with an GIF parade. Tomorrow we’ll make our Amazon.com-on-steroids dreams come true with “Juice Make Sugar Recommends…,“ before finishing everything off on Friday with a Difference of Opinion (where JMS HQ erupts in a Swiss Miss-fueled civil war.) 

There are few performers more GIFable than Cesaro, whose nightly shows of power and athleticism are made for GIFs the way football hits wish they were.

We hinted at this on Monday, when we talked about the faint smell of Swiss Death:

2.#Cesaro-Swiss-Death-on-Zack-Ryder

http://whatistheexcel.com/

but Cesaro’s majesty goes beyond that.

He’s good at making things look like they hurt:

http://i.imgur.com/PZwVs.gif

and safely performing things that look dangerous:

4.-#CesaroSafetyFirst-on-Sheamus

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me5nf6WMCJ1qi3n2ho1_400.gif

with feats of strength that legitimately blow your mind even when you know the other guy is helping out as much as he can:

5.-#CesaroFeatsofStrength-on-Sami-Z

http://bloginfamous.wordpress.com/2013/08/26/wrestling-gifs-of-the-week-sami-zayn-vs-antonio-cesaro-nxt/

Since he learned on the independent scene he also knows how to make the contrived looked elegant

http://bloginfamous.wordpress.com/2013/08/26/wrestling-gifs-of-the-week-sami-zayn-vs-antonio-cesaro-nxt/

and the inherently clumsy look graceful.

http://static.dyp.im/srnu7nzfoy/60aaad7e37c46275524f9a20a5f14322.gif

Then he puts it all together you get something truly spectacular:

http://bloginfamous.wordpress.com/2013/08/26/wrestling-gifs-of-the-week-sami-zayn-vs-antonio-cesaro-nxt/

Dazed and Confused: RAW Regurgitated, 5/20

It’s nice to see that Ryback’s heel application finally went through. It seems like they get a starter kit with a leather vest/jacket to which they can apply patches, black undershirts and — if they’re Matt Hardy — Edge’s tights.

I find Ryback’s promos to be both unwatchable and fundamentally good. He’s words are interesting and he’s articulate, but it always seems like he’s trying to catch his breath. Climbing on top of that ambulance probably didn’t help with that, either.

The chances of Ryback winning are somewhere between slim and none, but I am excited to see how they go about turning this ambulance gimmick into a Buried Alive match.

***

Hey, it’s creepy  Jerry Lawler, everybody! We missed you while you were making all that sense at Extreme Rules.

This Wade Barrett theme song is, well:

The amount of “business” — meaning acting while he doesn’t know for sure that the focus is on him — that Dirty Curty does as Fandango deserves an Emmy.

According to Cole, Ryback borrowed Chekov’s ambulance for the evening’s festivities.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it, but this whole “Fandango doesn’t really care about wrestling” thing is at the very least interesting.

Apparently two upper-midcard faces are equal to one main eventer when solving for “Embarrass Wade Barrett”.

Summer Rae is like the babysitter that Cool Dad Jericho cheats on his wife with.

***

So, is Vickie Guerrero’s on-screen job now just to announce polls?

Anyone who bet on the first half of “Best Case Scenario” — where Kane and Daniel Bryan stay together or amicably break up — as opposed to “Worst Case Scenario” — hate fuck each other for 2 months before the blowoff match at SummerSlam — you just lost a bunch of money during that backstage segment.

***

Graphically, that Prime Time Players shirt is the best non-CM Punk shirt they’ve had in FOREVER. But, like every WWE shirt it’s ruined by wrestling equivalent of a tramp stamp.

When the story of Sheamus is written (presumably by Triple H in between sets), it will likely start off looking really weak, continue to get worse before eventually ending with a run of illogical quasi-heroics that have no relation to anything that happened before it.

Is the implication that the other guy can’t hear the crowd chanting for upcoming finishers or that they just choose to ignore 15000 people chanting “BROGUE! BROGUE! BROGUE!”?

***

Paul Heyman is the most metaphysical wrestling character of all time. His essence is entirely constructed of wrestling, and it exists entirely within him. Which is probably why he’s bounced so many checks.

I am glad they lampshaded Joe Hennig’s ridiculous name change after that Michael McGuillity chicanery.

The following people were made/made to look GREAT by HHH: John Cena, Batista, Randy Orton, Great Khali (physically dragged him to literally the only good match of his career), Jeff Hardy and he tapped out to Chris Benoit at WrestleMania XX. Sure, that list could be longer, but it includes 4 of the 5 biggest stars of the last 10 years (and he gave CM Punk the first major rub of his career at the Survivor Series). He’s also put on some of the best matches of his or any era, and for comparison, here’s the list of younger guys made by Hulk Hogan that actually panned out: ______. So, before we get all worked up about how much Joe Hennig is going to get — even if we ignore the fact the Triple H is a fan of his — let’s put things into perspective.

HAVING SAID THAT:

That slap did NOT make Hennig look good.

***

I am going to say this at the beginning of every Big E. Langston match from now on: if he isn’t a world champion in the next two years, the WWE has failed on every level as a wrestling company.

Sometimes I wonder if La Parka and Alberto Del Rio are the same person, and then I realize I need more ethnic friends.

The fact that Big E is strong enough to rip out Del Rio’s eyeballs, but chose to simply poke them says something about his character. I don’t know if it’s good, or what, but it says something.

***

God, the Bella Twins are monsters.

Also, monstrous: AJ Lee’s finisher. Monstrous in the sense that it’s the first time I’ve cared about something in women’s wrestling since Angelina Love told Awesome Kong she had a “big old melon head”.

***

And off goes Chekov’s ambulance, right in the face of poor Zack Ryder’s career.

***

We all want to believe in the Shield even more than we already do, but man, Seth Rollins’s promos are like watching a Jeff Hardy match: you just hope he doesn’t hurt himself trying to do something needlessly stupid.

It’s clear that Daniel Bryan has serious issues with his self-image. I think it’s because he’s dating the Bella twin without the boob job.

On a scale from 1 to Mario Chalmers, where does Kofi Kingston rank on the “just happy to be here” scale when it comes to this feud? Does he feel like he belongs? Does he feel like he should be higher on the card? Most importantly, does he think about these things before, after or during his week-long title reigns?

How exactly does advertising the WWEAPP by promising to show parts of the match that aren’t important enough for you to show on TV say anything other than “this content is less important than a Sonic Milkshake?”

In a battle of mean girls, Rollins and Ambrose shouting insults things at Daniel Bryan really give the Bellas a run for their money. First one to call their opponents “a boner” after threatening to “cunt punt” them wins the race.

And just like that, the Shield proves that they only three entities in the WWE are capable of defeating them are Hustle, Loyalty and Respect. Beliebe in the Shield.

***

Now, did they not hire an actual doctor to pretend to tell Triple H he can’t wrestle because of legal reasons, or because the idea of Triple H firing a doctor for not letting him perform with a concussion was somehow too ethically icky for the guy who once pretended to rape a body in a coffin.

***

I wonder if Jack Swagger specifically ask Josh Roberts to say “A Real American”, or is that just what it says on the card the WWE gives him.

I’m not looking forward to the “our refs are idiots, just like real sports!” storyline that they seem to be laying the foundation for. They are already the worst refs in the history of sports, why do you have to make them realistically shitty?

C’mon, Cole. Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton isn’t the “match that the WWE universe wanted” just because they voted for it, this is the “match that the WWE Universe didn’t want the least”. R. Truth and The Great Khali have their time and place, which is 10AM on Saturday Morning Slam.

Half the time the Swagger McVader Bomb seems like Jack is trying to see how far away from the turnbuckle a guy can be before the move ends up looking ridiculous.

I’m glad it Jack Swagger figured out he had the wrong foot in the Ankle Lock before Randy felt the need to call him stupid in front of a crowd of people. You may recover from an RKO, but those type of emotional scars never heal. Just ask Kofi Kingston’s career.

***

It’s really hard to sell how tough someone is when their name is Curtis Axel AND everyone knows their name isn’t actually Curtis Axel. Especially when his entrance video is just shots of him trying to find the camera lens by turning his entire head in different directions.

Speaking of Hard Sells, Paul Heyman is the same guy who sold lucha libre to Eagles fans, so I’m pretty sure Hennig will end up or near the top of the heap at some point in his career. As Ted DiBiase, Jr. gently weeps.

THERE ARE NO TIMEOUTS IN WRESTLING!

But there are serious concussion storylines? Apparently. Wow, what a terrible ending to a mediocre show.  We didn’t even get to see H bring out the shovel! I demand my money back! (Wait, this is free TV? Oh, that explains all the Sonic Milkshake references! Carry on.)