Tag Archives: Zeb Colter

Headlock’d Presents: The Script for the 2013 Supplementary Slammys

Just like the Oscars, sometimes certain Slammys aren’t deemed important enough to make it to television.  Unlike the Oscars, sometimes certain awards aren’t deemed important enough to make it onto WWE.com.  Because we leave no stone unturned, we have decided to bring to light the unsung heroes of the WWE.  These are the Supplementary Slammys!

The Slammy for “overuse of a pop culture phrase”of the year goes to:

Zeb-twerks

Twerkin’

Presented by: Michael Cole

Of course Michael Cole would present this.  It has been very easy to get sick of the phrase “Twerkin”, as it did not take long at all for this to make it into news broadcasts and parent-teacher programs that try to relate to kids.  Like “Word Up”, “Crunk” and “Old School” before it, this word had the coolness sucked dry from it faster than Fandango-ing.  Unlike “Word Up”, “Crunk” and “Old School”, this is an awful, awful, awful thing and deserves to be shot dead.  “Twerkin” is not something new and existed long before Miley was a twinkle in her dad’s achey-breaky eye.  The only difference between what strippers do at work and “Twerkin” is that the twelve year old from the YouTube video posted on your Facebook wall didn’t generate enough hits to monetize their content.  Keep fighting the good fight WWE.

Accepted by:  Anyone member of the roster over the age of forty-five. Seriously, anyone will do.

The Slammy for “WWE staff member of the year” goes to:

1672140-docsamson01

Dr. Michael J. Sampson

Presented by: Zack Ryder with a plate full of food from catering

When I first heard his name I was really disappointed he wasn’t a muscular superhero psychologist with long green hair.  Truth be told, a year ago I barely knew who he was.  If I saw him walking down the street, I wouldn’t recognize him.  One year later and I wouldn’t recognize him unless he was wearing a WWE black polo. I see him retweeted on twitter, being briefly featured in angles, referred to by name and even getting a line of dialogue.  The fact that he has had more screen time on RAW than Yoshi Tatsu means he has truly earned his Slammy….that and saving Jerry’s life.

Accepted by: Sandra the Seamstress, who steals the Slammy saying it is rightfully hers.  This starts a four month feud that culminates at Wrestlemania, bumping the mixed gender tag match off the card.

The Slammy for “The Milford School of Refereeing WWE Official of the year” goes to:

Marc-Harris-Layla

Not Marc Harris

Presented by: Natalya

I don’t care who gets it.  Break it into pieces so that every referee not named Marc Harris gets some (shouldn’t be too hard, it’s probably chocolate on the inside.)  Remember that awkward Natalya/AJ Lee finish a while back?  Where Natalya had to force Marc Harris to raise her hand in victory when the match wasn’t over yet? Maybe Harris made the right call that night, maybe not.  That’s not the issue.  It’s the response of “a Great ref would pick that up & I did” and “A lot of ‘know it alls’ think they know the rules, but they don’t.  That’s why I’m professional cause I’m the best”.  When the world thinks you royally screwed up on TV, being a pompous, super defensive prick may not be the way to go.  Just saying.

Accepted by: Scott Armstrong with a hacksaw

The Slammy for “Meme-Face of the year” goes to:

big-show-aaahhh

Big Show’s “I’ve had it” angry-sad face

Presented by: Sin Cara

Big Show looks like a kabuki performer with no makeup.  Come to think of it, Knucklehead would have been amazing if it was adapted for Kabuki theater.

Accepted by: Big Show. He’s crying.

The Slammy for “Underused performer of the year” goes to:

16538930

JTG

Presented by: Triple H

I defy you to find someone who was used less than this man.  I really like JTG.  He did most of the heavy lifting when it came to in ring work with Cryme Tyme and his work as a singles competitor on NXT Redemption was surprisingly fun.  Hell, I saw the man in the ring with ol’ Michael McGillicutty at Wrestlemania Axxess and he worked the (minimal) crowd to be one of the most over guys in there.  Was he ever going to be a main event player? Probably not, but he at least could’ve had a chance at the mid card in the Zack Ryder position.  However, once the WWE decided they had nothing for him, they stripped him of his street wear and kept him off TV.  They didn’t change his character, they just took it away.  Now seeing JTG wrestle is like seeing the Loch Ness Monster, I know it happens, but it’s near impossible to prove.  At least Yoshi Tatsu shows up backstage now and then.

Accepted by: Triple H, cause they told JTG to stay home that night. Hunter unwraps and eats the chocolate

The Slammy for “Mike Adamle Memorial Commentator/Backstage Interviewer of the Year” goes to:

Renee

Renee Young

Presented by: Alex Riley

Oh, Renee. She is the best interviewer they have, and has quickly put herself right below the Gene Okerlunds of the world as an actual character with value,  AND she’s the first female commentator in WWE history with her work in NXT. All while not trying to be “one of the boys”, which is to say pleasing to listen to and genuinely interested in the product.  She didn’t come off the model assembly line and get randomly stuck in WWE until a better deal comes along, she knows the product from her being a lifelong fan, and her work with Arda Ocal and Jimmy Korderas on Aftermath makes us appreciate her all the more.  She was robbed by not being nominated for Diva of the Year, but her career is still young and still has to go through the Sami Zayn love story angle that millions of fans have already written about in fan fiction.  In five years time she will have joined the Smackdown Commentary team.

Accepted by: Renee Young.  Alex Riley congratulates and hugs her just a little bit too long to be comfortable

Advertisements

Bang for Your Buck PPV Review: Survivor Series 2013

Survivor-Series-2013-Wallpaper-HD_crop_650x440

The WWE celebrated the 27th edition of the Survivor Series  in Boston last night, and well, at least nobody got screwed?

For those who missed the Hell in a Cell review, the criteria for these reviews is simple: “Did I get my money’s worth?” in terms of the individual matches and the PPV as a whole, using the tried and true “what was this trying to do, and how well did it succeed” test of “quality”.

Each match is rated plus or minus on a sliding scale between 1 and -1, with matches worth multiple rewatches being +1, a just-quite-PPV quality match +/- 0,  and things that make me reevaluate being a fan earning up to a -1 score. The higher the number, the better Bang For Your Buck on the PPV. We’ll (eventually) keep a running tally for each PPV, and a handy list of PPVs we review to give you (and us) a better idea of what we thought was worth the time to check out in terms of matches and PPVs. As for the scale, it’s not particularly complicated but here are the basic levels (on a per-match basis):

Review Guide

As always, we’re going to be using what I said during the What’s the Worst That Could Happen preview to see how close I was to “predicting” what unfolded, and how it stacked up to my beliefs of what they were “trying” to do. Enjoy!

The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston (Kickoff Match)

Best Case Scenario: The inevitable “You Wanna Know Why?” promo is short, the match is long enough to make both guys not look like, well, themselves. Miz  fakes an injury, then leaves  for six months to go shoot the direct-to-video sequel to the ABC Family Original movie The Christmas Bounty.

Although this doesn’t count for the PPV’s overall Buck Bang (I guess?), I’d be remiss to not mention how very solid this match was. Both competitors looked, especially before the commercial break  — yes, I know, but at least it was doing the free part — like the best possible version of himself. That they teased a Kofi heel turn was actually exciting, even if it didn’t make a ton of sense.

Rhodes Brothers, Usos and Rey vs. The Real Shield Americans in a Traditional 5-on-5 Survivor Series Match

What Nick Wants to Happen: A match half as good as the main event from this week’s Raw.

What Will Happen: The heels win, because of dissension from the face team. Rey Mysterio gets speared in half.

While dissension from the face team is always fun, I should have predicted “The heels win, because Roman Reigns” because “future megastar destroys entire group of people” is definitely better than the already super great “The Usos are feuding with the Rhodes boys”. This entire thing was beautiful, and while “the story” itself for the match wasn’t quite to the level of the main event from this week’s Raw, the execution of last night’s story — Roman Reigns is a grown ass man —  was as close to perfect as possible. Everyone got a proper spotlight, and while Reigns finished the match (and maybe the night) looking like the best man, everyone looked good to great, and that’s all you can ask for from anything, and especially a match like this. That it was in-and-of-itself an insanely enjoyable a-move-a-minute-without-being-a-spot fest  for a full 20 minutes before that almost seems unfair.

These are things that only the traditional Survivor Series matches can do, and why, for all the wandering away from the original conceit, they try to come back to it at least once every year and treat it like it’s one their most important shows.

Match +1.0

Big E. Langston (C) vs. Curtis Axel for the Intercontinental Championship

Best Case Scenario: Curtis Axel actually looks like he deserved to be Intercontinental Champion for the past few months, but the rising star of Big  E. burns just a little too brightly for Curtis to overcome. Also, Big E. makes the ref count to five. That would be awesome.

Although the crowd was the dribbling shits for this match, the performances were every bit as good as I had hoped. Big E. is a super duper star in the making, even if his post-match “I’m pandering to you” pander promo fell a little flat. Curtis Axel never really looked like he had a chance in this match, but he looked as good — if not better — than he looked the entire time he held the belt. Just being able to stay in the ring with someone like Big E. and not look like a scared little boy as 290 pounds flies all around the ring at you is an underrated skill, one that Curtis Axel did a yeoman’s job of projecting. That he got in most of his offense, and even a Perfectplex, means while they may not think he’s Intercontinental Title material, they definitely think he has a future. Not a masterpiece, but everything it needed to be and a little more.

Match +.4 | PPV 1.4

Total Divas vs. The Non-Total Divas in a “Traditional” 7-on-7 Survivor Series Match

What Nick Wants to Happen: Anything interesting at all the entire match.

This was not a “good” match, but it definitely wasn’t bad, and the “story” of the match was well told/mildly interesting. Which is nice. That they are turning Summer Rae into “girl who just dances”? Not so much. But pick your battles, and all that.

Match +/-0 | PPV 1.4

Ryback v. Mark Henry

My love for both of these performers is well-documented and knows no bounds. As Andy, who I watched the show with, put it: this works way better with Henry as the face. Now, Mark Henry could wrestle Khali and I think I would find it enjoyable, but him getting a solid 10-minute match with a guy that can do things like actually suplex him is pretty much what you want from a return match with him. This isn’t the type of match you show people who don’t like wrestling why it’s so awesome (see: the first match on the card), but as someone who paid for the PPV, it’s still nice to watch two guys Hoss it Out.

Match +.4 | PPV 1.8

 John Cena (C) vs. Alberto del Rio for the World Heavyweight Championship

What Will Happen: Cena will overcome impossible odds and beat Alberto del Rio with one arm. The injured one.

There’s a difference between being “predictable” and “easy to predict”. The result of John Cena matches are “predictable”, in the sense that it’s almost always clear when he goes to lose a match, which is almost never. Given the binary option of “win” or “lose”, “predicting” what’s going to happen in a John Cena match is simple. Being “predictable” is fine: Batman and Superman are predictable. But, being “easy to predict” means “I know what’s going to happen in the match, and more importantly, at the end” and that’s where the problems happen. John Cena is a superhero and we should not expect him to shockingly lose, pretty much ever. Him winning the match after power bombing Albert del Rio with his bad arm is not something we should expect to see. When it happens, it should be magical and inspiring, not “oh, of course.” “Oh, of course” is kryptonite for performers on Cena’s level, and it’s something he’s done a very good job of staying away from since he feuded with Punk two years ago. And while this match was totally enjoyable, it had potential to be really great, and more importantly, much less easy to predict.

Match +.4 | PPV 2.2

CM Punk & Daniel Bryan vs. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan

What Nick Wants to Happen: The Beard and the Best to take an epic shitkicking, but like Bret Hart and Timex before them, manage to take a licking and keep on ticking.

What Will Happen: Probably something close to what I want to happen. I’m special and Vince McMahon loves me.

Like the 5-on-5 match, this was exactly what it needed to be, and maybe a little more. Erick Rowan, and especially Luke Harper, are special talents and this match was a showcase for that. All four men looked as good as was humanly possible and even the pre-match vignette/Bray Wyatt promo was the type of stuff that makes him one of the most talked about superstars in years despite wrestling only sporadically since his debut/injury. There are teams that can stay together  forever, and while I would love to see Luke or Erick make it to the next level as a singles competitor, the Wyatt boys are definitely a pairing that I would not mind working together for a long long time. And while I’d prefer both of them to get back to singles  competition as soon as possible, this detour through the swamp is exactly what they needed in order to refresh themselves for the ramp up to WrestleMania season.

Match +.7 | PPV 2.9

Randy Orton (C) vs. Big Show for the WWE Title

Best Case Scenario: Randy Orton pulls out all the sto(m)ps as he reverts completely back into his serial killer/Legacy period. Triple H doesn’t come down to ringside, and nobody cheats.

There’s definitely something to be said for what they are doing with Randy Orton right now that I actually like more than almost anything on the show right now: they are making him crazy. Some of it is subtle, like the incompetence of Brad Maddox, Vickie Guerrero and Kane getting Randy Orton into all different types of fights, and some of it is glaringly overt, like the constant challenges from H and Stephanie for Randy to pick his game up.

With the way this match was booked, and the way that Orton played it, they are really building up the “heavy is the head that wears the crown” aspect of his title reign, which is wonderful, at least in the sense that it gives him a purpose beyond “thing the Authority uses to shank you in the prison cafeteria”. It also creates tension between Triple H, Stephanie and all of the members of the administration, including the Shield. But it begs a serious question: Why?

Why aren’t they just having Randy Orton be Murder Death Killer? This isn’t a rhetorical question, either. If the goal of this match/end of PPV angle with Cena was to get us to ask confused questions AND make sure we tune into Raw tonight, they did a GREAT job. But, if the goal was to create excitement beyond confused curiosity? Not so much.

Match +.6

Your Mileage May Vary on the Divas match, but for the most part, this was a very good card that did a lot to move a number of story lines/characters forward, helped establish a few performers — — Big E. and the Wyatts — as formidable competitors, while planting the seeds for Roman Reigns to be made king of the world. If the main event finish didn’t feel so wonky, this could have been the best PPV we reviewed, but because of what could most generously described as an “meh” finish, it’s toward the back of the middle of the pack for  the full card, even if it finds itself much closer to the top of what we’ve reviewed when it comes to a per match basis. While the matches on an individual level were  all PPV-quality, considering the PPV ended essentially 20  minutes short makes me feel like — and I can’t believe I’m saying this — having the Miz vs. Kofi on the actual card would have made me feel like I’d paid for a steal of a card, as opposed to one I just simply wasn’t disappointed in.

PPV 3.5 | Match Avg. .5

Headlock’d: PPV Predictions – 2013 Survivor Series

This week, we give our Pay Per View Predictions for Survivor Series and our thoughts as to who will be left standing tall.

What’s the Worst That Could Happen?: Survivor Series 2013

Survivor-Series-2013-Wallpaper-HD_crop_650x440

It’s Survivor Series Sunday, which means it’s time for us to ask: “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?”.  And, because we love you, you’ll also be getting a PPV Predictions episode of Headlock’d fresh from the oven this afternoon. All of this (for free!) before we drop our world famous Bang for Your Buck PPV review in your lap on Monday morning.

To make sure you don’t miss anything, follow us (or me) on Twitter and like us on Facebook. Now that we’ve gotten the shameless plugs out of the way, let’s figure out What’s the Worst That Could Happen tonight in Boston:

The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston (Kickoff Match)

Best Case Scenario: The inevitable “You Wanna Know Why?” promo is short, the match is long enough to make both guys not look like, well, themselves. Miz  fakes an injury, then leaves  for six months to go shoot the direct-to-video sequel to the ABC Family Original movie The Christmas Bounty.

Worst Case Scenario: The E uses the Miz’s heel turn as an excuse to show literally dozens of clips from the ABC Family Original movie The Christmas Bounty during Miz TV, with a victory in this match as the starting off point of the “push”.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Not to be impossibly bored/angry I spent time watching something I didn’t pay  for that’s supposed  to be an advertisement for the something I did pay  for.

What Will Happen: Impossible boredom and anger.

Big E. Langston (C) vs. Curtis Axel for the Intercontinental Championship

Best Case Scenario: Curtis Axel actually looks like he deserved to be Intercontinental Champion for the past few months, but the rising star of Big  E. burns just a little too brightly for Curtis to overcome. Also, Big E. makes the ref count to five. That would be awesome.

Worst Case Scenario: Big E. or Curtis Axel get hurt. Any other scenario is fundamentally okay. Even Curtis getting the belt back.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Less Ultimate Warrior vs. Honky Tonk Man, more Ultimate Warrior vs. Randy Savage.

What Will Happen: Ultimate Warrior vs. Rick Rude

Total Divas vs. The Non-Total Divas in a “Traditional” 7-on-7 Survivor Series Match

Best Case Scenario: The heels sweep, Kaitlyn stabs AJ. All of this happens in under five minutes. 

Worst Case Scenario: The faces win decisively in a half-hour match consisting entirely of butts-to-the-face and poorly executed snapmares.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Anything interesting at all the entire match.

What Will Happen: Nothing interesting. At all. The entire match.

Rhodes Brothers, Usos and Rey vs. The Real Shield Americans in a Traditional 5-on-5 Survivor Series Match

Best Case Scenario: All the members of both teams each get a spotlight in the match, which eats up the middle hour of the show, Usos turn heel on Rhodes Brothers, starting the second best feud ever. The Real Americans  turn on the Shield, starting the best feud ever.

Worst Case Scenario: Rey Mysterio wrestles the entire match, not tagging anyone in the entire time, 619’s the entire heel team at once before pinning them all simultaneously.

What Nick Wants to Happen: A match half as good as the main event from this week’s Raw.

What Will Happen: The heels win, because of dissension from the face team. Rey Mysterio gets speared in half.

 John Cena (C) vs. Alberto del Rio for the World Heavyweight Championship

Best Case Scenario: The crowd  in Boston actually gets into a match with their “hometown” hero, John Cena. Alberto del Rio cleanly beats Cena, but after knocking out the referee as part of getting Cena in the position to lose, is then given an AA so powerful it A) looks like it might actually hurt instead of feeling like your being thrown around in a pool and B) allows Ricardo to come out and “take advantage” of del Rio, setting up an AWESOME match next month at TLC.

Worst Case Scenario: Del Rio is given an AA so powerful it A) looks like it might actually hurt and B) finishes the match in five minutes, followed by John Cena giving a 20-minute speech to the crowd where he changes his voice to sound like he’s from Southie.

What Nick Wants to Happen: A main event quality match, even if it’s going to be a Raw-quality finish.

What Will Happen: Cena will overcome impossible odds and beat Alberto del Rio with one arm. The injured one.

CM Punk & Daniel Bryan vs. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan

Best Case Scenario: Mega Power seeds are planted between Bryan and Punk, who narrowly defeat the Dueling Banjos Band after a miscommunication nearly costs them the match.

Worst Case Scenario: This match gets shortened because the Diva’s Match ran long.

What Nick Wants to Happen: The Beard and the Best to take an epic shitkicking, but like Bret Hart and Timex before them, manage to take a licking and keep on ticking.

What Will Happen: Probably something close to what I want to happen. I’m special and Vince McMahon loves me.

Randy Orton (C) vs. Big Show for the WWE Title

Best Case Scenario: Randy Orton pulls out all the sto(m)ps as he reverts completely back into his serial killer/Legacy period. Triple H doesn’t come down to ringside, and nobody cheats.

Worst Case Scenario: Everyone cheats.

What Nick Wants to Happen: A match with a clean finish where Randy Orton wins, since the storyline implications in this match otherwise are either silly or super depressing, depending on how you look at it.

What Will Happen: Orton retains. Probably with help from Kane and Brad Maddox.

Bang for Your Buck PPV Review: Hell in a Cell

poster

Hell in a Cell took place in Miami, and we got what we were expecting from this. And I mean that in every possible way.

For those who missed Dave’s Bound for  Glory review, the criteria for these is simply: “Did I get my money’s worth?” in terms of the individual matches and the PPV as a whole, using the tried and true “what was this trying to do, and how well did it succeed” rubric.

Each match is rated plus or minus on a sliding scale between 1 and -1, with matches worth multiple rewatches worth 1, a just-quite-PPV quality match being 0,  and things that make me reevaluate being a fan earning up to a -1 score. The higher the number, the better Bang For Your Buck on the PPV. We’ll (eventually) keep a running tally for each PPV, and a handy list of PPVs we review to give you (and us) a better idea of what we thought was worth the time to check out in terms of matches and PPVs. As for the scale, it’s not particularly complicated but here are the basic levels (on a per-match average):

Review Guide

Like always, we’re going to be using what I said during the What’s the Worst That Could Happen preview to see how close I was to “predicting” what unfolded, and how it stacked up to my best hopes and worst fears. Enjoy!

Cody Rhodes & Goldust (c) vs.

Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins vs. The Usos

For the WWE Tag Team Championships

What Nick Wants to Happen: More than 10 minutes of wrestling, the Usos to not be completely buried and the Rhodes boys to start a feud with the Wyatt Family after narrowly, but cleanly, defeating the Shield.

Man, if them Rhodes Boys continue to put on performances like this, that “Goldust getting a run with the WHC before giving it to Cody” might have more traction than we think. The Usos continue to be the most underrated THING in wrestling, and may have been the stars of this match. These are three of the more exciting WWE tag teams in a long, long, long time and this was the best possible way to open what should have been a super hot show (Spoiler Alert: it was not.) This also featured maybe the best “babyface in peril” work in recent memory from Dustin, Roman Reigns showing why he is a future World’s Champion and, seriously if Cody Rhodes isn’t buying Seth Rollins a six-pack after every time he sells the Cross Rhodes P-E-R-F-E-C-T-L-Y, he’s a bad friend. I would pay to see matches like this until the day I die.

Match: 1.0

Summer Rae and Fandango vs.

Natalya and The Great Khali

Easily the most surprising match of the night, and not just because it was unannounced. Summer Rae continues to build on her EXCELLENT — genuine top of the card — work on NXT, and Fandango wrestling on/around Khali was as well done as anything this side of his SummerSlam match with Triple H. While this isn’t a match you’d show your friends to get them to want to watch more, being pleasantly surprised by a good match for a PPV you were tepid — at best– about is something really really nice that doesn’t happen often enough. Throw in some a few really nice spots between Summer and Nattie — including a really smooth bridge spot — along with Mrs. Tyson Kidd’s takedown of Fandango, and you have a match that far far exceeded expectations. And not just because there weren’t any.

Match: +.3 | PPV: 1.3

Big E. Langston vs. Dean Ambrose(c)

for the U.S. Title

This match happened as a result of “an injury to Curtis Axel”, though, considering that the match jumped from the Kickoff show  to the main show it seems like there was a logical reason behind the switch. You’d have to think that  logical reason was “we think that Dean Ambrose is better than Curtis Axel”.  And while they may not be totally right about that, this match did exactly what it was supposed to do: put Big E. Langston — who seems to be on his way to a biblical push — in the “Authority” storyline, allowing him to logically be in inevitable Survivor Series match. This match, while not anything to write home about — other than maybe that DISGUSTING cut on Big E.’s face/Dean’s chin — did exactly what it was supposed to do, and featured one truly fantastic spot: the spear through the ropes. All in all, a perfect spotlight for a guy with as bright a future as anyone in the business.

Match: +.3 | PPV: 1.6

CM Punk vs. Ryback & Paul Heyman

(Handicap Hell in a Cell Match)

What Nick Wants to Happen: This feud to end.

Even getting what I wanted didn’t really help me much with this match. The crowd was deplorable the entire night, and this was easily the worst match from that perspective. And while this may have been one of Ryback’s best performances — in terms of fluidity of movement, telling a story and safety (see: the gentle but effective atomic drop onto the edge of the table) — CM Punk continues to look like he’s going through the motions until he could finally move on from this feud. He showed by far the most enthusiasm at the end, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. While not a bad match, let’s just say this won’t be going on either man’s Essential Viewing.

Match: +.5 | PPV: 2.1

Los Matadores vs. The Real Americans

What Nick Wants to Happen: A match that doesn’t feel like filler, people actually start to get into Los Matadores and Zeb chases El Torito around the ring while they play Benny Hill music over the PA.

A mehburger with a nice tall glass of lukewarm indifference, the WWE continues to squander perhaps the best natural talent since Brock Lesnar in Antonio Cesaro. The magic of Los Matadores entrance has wained, mostly because fans don’t really seem interested in it, which is a bummer. At least they went over?

Match: +.0 PPV: 2.1

Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. John Cena

for the World Heavyweight Championship

What Will Happen: John Cena will win, Damien Sandow will cash in and lose.

Despite these two being probably my favorite performers in the company outside of Mark Henry (and maybe Sheamus), it’s clear that John was limited here, and while that  didn’t make the match unwatchable, it was not up to what these two are both capable of.  Which seems to be the theme of the night. But, even with that, this was a match John Cena fans will love (because he overcame the odds), Alberto del Rio fans (me) will enjoy because ADR looked way-better-than-good (which sometimes a problem in matches he loses) and sets up an actually interesting story for a title that needed  it.

Match: .65 | PPV: 2.75

AJ Lee (c) vs. Brie Bella

for the Divas Championship

Best Case Scenario: AJ Lee wins clean, ends this never-ending feud so that they can finally bring up the extremely talented girls from NXT.

Brie continues  to get better and better, and it’s really great to see that even Nikki has begun to understand the difference between “performing” — playing yourself up to eleven (see: the Bellas reactions during the “pipe bombshell”) — and “being a performer”  — using your own personality to inform how your character would react in specific situations (Brie’s reaction to accidentally hitting Nikki). That this also likely ends what has been a somewhat enjoyable if needlessly long feud, allowing AJ to feud with (hopefully) the girls from NXT and Brie to feud with Nikki actually makes this as good a match as you could expect from this combination. Which is to say, a mediocre one.

Match: .3 | PPV: 3.05

Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan

for the WWE Championship (Hell in a Cell Match)

Worst Case Scenario: An actual screwjob.

What Will Happen: An actual screwjob. (For the fans, at least.)

An excellent, enjoyable match between the two best workers in the company right now. This feud — which, for those that complain about continuity and hot-shotting has been going on since Act III of the Team Hell No saga — continues to deliver in the ring from the beginning of the match until SOMEWHERE NEAR the end. I — and this entirely a personal preference — very much enjoy the chase they are making Daniel Bryan go through, but I totally understand why other people don’t, and I can totally see why people thought this botchy-mcbotched ending was not anyone’s idea of a good time. HAVING SAID THAT, I will be watching tomorrow to find out about the fallout from this, thought the work before the WCW-execution on what would have been a really GREAT ending was unsurprisingly amazing, and at the very least, finally gave us a champion. This could have been their best match, even the ending had been better, and while because of that it ended up being the worst out of the three, it is definitely definitely worth watching (especially before the ending).

Match: .75

Depending on how you felt about the ending of the DB/RKO match, this was a decent PPV, with better matches than Battleground, just less of them. This is something that would be a GREAT non-premium PPV once the network comes out,  but for now, this is a less than great buy.

PPV: 3.8 | Match Avg: .475 (.48 if you’re nasty)

What’s the Worst That Could Happen?: Hell in a Cell

poster

It’s a PPV weekend! We’ll have all your Hell in a Cell needs covered here at Juice Make Sugar. First, we ask What’s the Worst That Could Happen? in Miami on tonight, then, we’ll give you our world famous Bang for Your Buck PPV review on tomorrow morning.

To make sure you don’t miss anything, follow us (or me) on Twitter and like us on Facebook. Now that we’ve gotten the shameless plugs out of the way, let’s figure out What’s the Worst That Could Happen in Buffalo tonight:

Big E. Lanston vs. Curtis Axel (c)

for the Intercontinental Championship

(Kickoff Match)

Best Case Scenario: Big E. Langston wins the IC belt, then trades it in Destination X-style for a shot at the WWE championship: new WWE Champion Big E. Langston.

Worst Case Scenario: Curtis Axel and Big E. Langston recreate Goldberg-Lesnar match from WM XX AND Axel retains.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Big E. Langston to look every bit the top-of-the-card star he should end up being, Curtis Axel continues to prove his worth by putting over Langston proper.

What Will Happen: Big E. Langston wins, or Ryback screws him over so that Curtis can continue to accumulate losses under the golden protection of the 4th most important title being defended on this show.

AJ Lee (c) vs. Brie Bella

for the Divas Championship

Best Case Scenario: AJ Lee wins clean, ends this never-ending feud so that they can finally bring up the extremely talented girls from NXT.

Worst Case Scenario: Brie and Nikki win using twin magic after the ref is replaced by the security guard from Jimmy Kimmel Live.

What Nick Wants to Happen: AJ Lee wins.

What Will Happen: Brie Bella wins.

Cody Rhodes & Goldust (c) vs Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins vs The Usos

for the WWE Tag Team Championship

Best Case Scenario: They block out a full hour for what should unequivocally be the best match of the night, Rhodes Boys win after every single person hit their finisher in order, with Cody finishing everything off with the CrossRhodes.

Worst Case Scenario: They cancel this match.

What Nick Wants to Happen: More than 10 minutes of wrestling, the Usos to not be completely buried and the Rhodes boys to start a feud with the Wyatt Family after narrowly, but cleanly, defeating the Shield.

What Will Happen: Rhodes boys beat the Usos following a Reigns Spear to save face for The Shield, extending the feud to  Survivor Series.

CM Punk vs. Ryback & Paul Heyman

(Handicap Hell in a Cell Match)

Best Case Scenario: Paul Heyman and Ryback win, then Big E. comes out, brawling with Ryback, leading him away from the Cell as it lowers on Punk and Heyman.

Worst Case Scenario: CM Punk wins after giving Ryback and Heyman the GTS at the same time, Heyman manages to escape Cell, CM Punk Spears and then Jackhammers Ryback, immediately after starting a “Goldberg” chant.

What Nick Wants to Happen: This feud to end.

What Will Happen: This feud won’t end.

Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. John Cena

for the World Heavyweight Championship

Best Case Scenario: Alberto Del Rio manages to win after the excellent match both are capable of by getting Cena in the Cross Armbreaker. Accidentally rips off John’s arm, and while Cena has it reattached without issue, he is forced to actually stay out of action until the Royal Rumble.

Worst Case Scenario: Alberto Del Rio gets Cena in the Cross Armbreaker. Accidentally rips off John’s arm, which Cena reattaches by himself without issue, beats Del Rio with STF.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Alberto Del Rio manages to win after solid match by getting Cena in the Cross Armbreaker, accidentally rips off his arm, and while Cena has it reattached without issue, is forced to actually stay out of action until the Royal Rumble. Damien Sandow cashes in MitB briefcase.

What Will Happen: John Cena will win, Damien Sandow will cash in and lose.

Los Matadores vs. The Real Americans

Best Case Scenario: Crowd actually gives a shit, Antonio Cesaro does Giant Swing with both Matadores at same time, spins so fast he is transported to Oz. Or, a better gimmick.

Worst Case Scenario: “U! S! A!” “U! S! A!”

What Nick Wants to Happen: A match that doesn’t feel like filler, people actually start to get into Los Matadores and Zeb chases El Torito around the ring while they play Benny Hill music over the PA.

What Will Happen: Too many people get way too into the “We the People” chant, Los Matadores lose because of interference from Zeb, El Torito gets last laugh.

Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan

(WWE Championship Hell in a Cell Match)

Best Case Scenario: A clean finish.

Worst Case Scenario: An actual screwjob.

What Nick Wants to Happen: A clean finish.

What Will Happen: An actual screwjob. (For the fans, at least.)

Bryan’s Still Got It: Raw Regurgitated, 9/9

For a guy who is not particularly great on the mic, a less than stellar wrestler and a mediocre personality, Edge is pretty over in his hometown.

Speaking of being pretty over, it’s fun to watch them play with the crowd to invoke a response for Daniel Bryan. It’s that fun area between pandering and playing fetch with the crowd.

Triple so badly wants to say “March of Dimes” when talking about Edge’s Stack-of-Dimes neck. If only they didn’t have that exclusive deal with the Make-a-Wish Foundation! And is this worked shoot right now on what anyone who isn’t a total mark thinks about Edge?

***

Kofi Kingston really looks like he has a chance to win the belt at some point in the near future. So that the next guy they put it on to make it important has someone the fans like to beat for it in the slightly less near future, of course. Those big boy pants are pretty nice, though.

Heyman apparently just realized how badly Intercontinental Champions are booked to look in WWE. He looks pissed.

Surprising that didn’t they include the interview where Jerry Lawler asked Goldust if he was “queer” in this video package

***

Dolph Ziggler being “punished” by having to face a trio directly tied to the main event storyline = good. Dolph Ziggler being punished by having to face a trio as far away from the main event as possible = less good.

If Bray Wyatt had a match at NoC, “Jerry Lawler making puns based around evil religious authority figures” would be worth only one sip for the drinking game, and everyone would die from alcohol poisoning.

Remember when Bray Wyatt told that really interesting story about how he got the name for his finisher, Sister Abigail? Neither does Michael Cole, apparently.

***

WHY ARE THEY GIVING HIM A REAL MEDICAL EVALUATION ON AN ACTUAL WRESTLING SHOW?

Little known fact: Jerry Lawler once had a heart attack, and the doctor in the ring saved his life. Yeah, apparently it happened in Canada too! Who knew?

The rundown I use to help me write this with says that there was a Diva’s six-woman tag match on this show. Looks like we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that one.

***

Even R. Truth is tired of R. Truth’s gimmick. Couldn’t he have been in the Cody Rhodes spot? Road Dogg could have come back to defend his honor and everything!

At least this crowd’s indifference to Alberto Del Rio feels less racist.

***

“Tell them their country sucks because it doesn’t do enough to make your myopic view of your country come to fruition.”

– The Art of the Heel Promo with Zeb Colter by Zeb Colter

It may be #AntonioCesaroWeek at Juice Make Sugar HQ, but it’s a #SantinoMarellaLife.

Wow. Just Wow.

OOF. Nobody shouldn’t love Santino, he’s great, but having Antonio slip on the banana peel doesn’t make anybody look good. At least he didn’t have to take the Cobra.

***

The Miz vs. Damien Sandow: The Battle of Who They Could Care Less About on Raw.

***

If it took 2 years of Randy Orton being the meh-iest of the meh as a face just to establish a bunch of spots that can be countered now that he’s a heel, we have to accept it.

The most surprising part of this match isn’t that Goldust looks as good as he does, but that he’s actually bigger and almost as athletic as Randy Orton. Dustin Rhodes never being a World’s Champion is like Barry Bonds never winning a title. It was at least partially his fault, but it’s still a travesty and failure on a human level.

When will wrestlers learn that turning your back on Randy ALWAYS ends with an RKO? It’s like punching Hulk Hogan in the face after he’s started shaking, or wrestling Batista after he’s had sex with Melina. It’s not going to end well for you.

***

People just want you to go straight to the RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROBBBBB! VAN! DAM! part, Ricardo.

This match is the perfect example of the danger of crowds getting too hot. They want to like this match, but are so wound up that they keep fighting each others chants and can’t really get anything going. That and Ryback/RVD have as much chemistry as Rusty Venture and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.

She may only have two speeds — strong, independent woman and strong, independent major league b-word — but Stephanie has been doing yeoman’s work as the worst parts of her father’s disinterest in people and the best parts of his false sense of sincerity during this program.

***

Having fell into a Dean Ambrose/Jon Moxley promo hole this past weekend, the less that he says now the better. Line at the level of “unless Andre the Giant’s ghost is in that battle royale, I ain’t losing at SummerSlam” work a lot better when you hit a home run almost every time. Over exposure is dangerous for everyone, but when you spew pure gold out of your mouth, rationing it out is what’s “best for business”

They’ve finally figured out that superheroes look best when they’re trying to avoid the henchmen. Thank God for Chikara.

***WARNING YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A SERIOUSLY WRESTLING DISCUSSION*** PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE*** For all the internet nerds who complained about Daniel Bryan ending every week on his back with members of the Better for Business Bureau lording over him: that is why you book things that way. Wrestling nerds need to start to understand the difference between what they think they want (Daniel Bryan winning every week) with what they actually want (Daniel Bryan becoming the face of the company). It’s obvious to say after years of complaining about John Cena as Superman, wanting Daniel Bryan to be Spiderman is fifteen different times of dumb, but nights like this show it. They’ve managed to get everyone hot for the PPV, subtly introduced the Jumping Knee Kick as his finisher and made it seem like if he just gets the chance, he can win the title. It’s like a wise man once said: Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light. I think his name was David Fincher. ***WARNING YOU ARE NOW LEAVING A SERIOUS WRESTLING DISCUSSION***ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKES ON THE WAY OUT***