What’s the Worst That Could Happen?: Impact Wrestling, 11/7

This week’s edition of Impact Wrestling will have former champions. Okay, one former champion. Technically. Okay. It’s Adam “Pacman” Jones. We’re sorry. Below is a rundown of all advertised segments:

TNA Says,

NFL Cincinnati Bengals star and former TNA World Tag Team Champion, Adam “Pacman” Jones will return to make an appearance on Thursday’s IMPACT!

Best Case Scenario: Pacman cuts a babyface promo putting over TNA, only to be interrupted by Bully Ray. Pacman, however, stands up to Ray’s bullying and looks poised to fight him before Mr. Anderson runs to the ring and gets involved. Ray bumps for Anderson before Pacman hits some kind of “won’t-void-his-NFL-contract” move on a prone Ray (I dunno, maybe a stomp, or something?).

Worst Case Scenario: Pacman cuts a babyface promo putting over TNA, only to be interrupted by “Bully” Incognito, who berates him with racial slurs and threatens to *expletive deleted* in his mouth.

Dave Says: I’m trying to think of something harder to get excited about than this… but I can’t. This just seems like a cheap pop opportunity (a cheap popportunity: trademark it!) for the Cincinnati crowd/a desperate attempt for TNA to attract some mainstream sports media attention. (P.S. This is extra weird because both members of “Team Pacman” [R-Truth and Consequences Creed] are now in the WWE.)

***

TNA Says,

The World Heavyweight Championship Tournament to crown a new titleholder starts on Thursday’s IMPACT, with “The Charismatic Enigma” Jeff Hardy battling X Division Champion Chris Sabin! Based on TNA President Dixie Carter’s “Wheel Of Dixie” selection, this bout will be a Full Metal Mayhem Match where anything goes! Who will advance in the tournament – Hardy or Sabin? Don’t miss the huge IMPACT main event!

Best Case Scenario: A long, strong, athletic match that both elevates the profile of Sabin’s X Division Title and emphasizes the prestige of the World Heavyweight Title for which they are competing. In the end, Jeff Hardy gives Sabin his Twist of Fate off the ladder, nails a Swanton Bomb, and gets the win.

Worst Case Scenario: These two have a sub-fifteen-minute match that’s straight out of the year 2002. Ladder spots replace actual storytelling and each man takes ten thousand bumps, only to stand right up and set up the next spot. In the end, Jeff Hardy is distracted by the ample gazongas of Velvet Sky, allowing Sabin to pick up a sneaky victory.

Dave Says: TNA actually did a solid job building towards this match with the finish at Bound For Glory, but what are the odds they’ll show/explain that to people? 12:1.

***

TNA Says,

Also on Thursday, “The Icon” Sting has announced a “State Of The Main Event Mafia” address with the other members of the alliance. The past, present and future of the Mafia will be on the agenda – including their war against the Aces and Eights and the recent battles between Sting and Magnus!

Best Case Scenario: Sting says that The Main Event Mafia is lost and offers an olive branch to Magnus, saying that his fiery young leadership is what The Mafia needs to destroy Aces & EIghts once and for all. Magnus spurns Sting, however, saying that The Mafia never did anything for him and officially resigns his place in the group to the shock of the other mafiosi (but not any fans who have actually been watching this unfold).

Worst Case Scenario: Sting dissolves The Mafia, stating that the group is a total failure because they can’t even keep their own young lion in check. He calls out Kurt Angle for not being a better mentor to Magnus. In his anger, Angle delivers an Olympic Slam to Sting, followed by another protracted period of laying on the ground, fingers wiggling, selling a spinal injury.

Dave Says: Somehow over the past two weeks I had blissfully forgotten these two stables existed. The faster TNA can resolve this without just hastily sweeping it under the rug, the better.

If the Main Event Mafia is going to continue existing, it needs to morph into a group of well-established babyfaces that Sting runs up against rising heel star Magnus. What’s that, you say? The babyface stable taking runs at the heel is the opposite of the classic wrestling formula? Well, I know, but that hasn’t stopped TNA before!

***

TNA Says,

There will be a medical update on the condition of Kurt Angle after what happened this past week on IMPACT!

Best Case Scenario: Kurt Angle is fine and this whole stupid storyline ends.

Worst Case Scenario: In his solemnest fake solemn voice, Mike Tenay announces that Kurt Angle died in the hospital following his match with Bobby Roode. This leads to a storyline that sees Angle rise from the dead several months down the line, appear to The Main Event Mafia in a locked room, and eventually ascend into Heaven at the right hand of The Father.

Dave Says: This angle (ha, get it?) makes me queasy. As I touched on in my +/- review of last week’s Halloween show, TNA is setting themselves up to look really, really bad if something does happen to Kurt Angle in the near future.

***

TNA Says,

In Knockouts action, there will be a #1 Contenders match on IMPACT with Brooke Tessmacher vs. ODB vs. Velvet Sky! Who will earn a Knockouts Championship shot against reigning titleholder Gail Kim?

Best Case Scenario: Before the match, Brooke Tessmacher breaks up with Bully Ray in a backstage segment because, go figure, she doesn’t appreciate being led around on a leash like a dog. The freshly-minted babyface then wins clean when she hits her finisher on Velvet Sky.

Worst Case Scenario: Lei’D Tapa interferes in the match, destroying everybody and leading to a non-finish. Even odds on this, unfortunately.

Dave Says: I think there has to be a face turn here for Tessmacher. TNA has invested too much in Chris Sabin’s heel turn to have his girlfriend play some bizarro-world Miss Elizabeth ripoff, and Impact has proven over the last few weeks that ODB has no shot at winning the title from Gail/Tapa.

***

TNA Says,

Also on Thursday’s IMPACT: After being arrested twice, will Mr. Anderson again defy authority and continue his assault against The Aces and Eights?

Best Case Scenario: Mr. Anderson “again def[ies] authority and continue[s] his assault against The Aces and Eights.” See the best case scenario of the Pacman Jones segment above.

Worst Case Scenario: Mr. Anderson chooses not to “again defy authority and continue his assault against The Aces and Eights.” Instead, he sits at home and watches reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Dave Says: Can we please stop with the word “arrested?” He was removed from the building by security — that’s plenty rebellious.

***

TNA Says,

Plus, after his return on Halloween, will “The Monster” Abyss continue his path of destruction? All this and much more on Thursday’s LIVE IMPACT from Cincinnati on SpikeTV at 9/8c!

Best Case Scenario: James Mitchell (or some other manager) redebuts, declaring himself to be the voice of Abyss’ mission against the heels within TNA. Mitchell clearly explains where Abyss has been, why he came back, and what his goals are.

Worst Case Scenario: Abyss is granted an official handicap match against Bad Influence, who he squashes in two minutes.

Dave Says: Every week TNA spends trying to make fans care about Abyss is a waste of time, energy, and money. Abyss has his hardcore following (pun intended), but too much damage has been done to his character over the last five years for him to ever be a marketable star.

What’s the Worst That Could Happen?: Bound for Glory

It’s Bound For Glory Sunday! Which means it’s time to ask What’s the Worst That Could Happen? at BFG (you’d be surprised). Tomorrow, we’ll be giving you our world famous Bang for Your Buck PPV review to let you know how good you should feel about spending money on TNA’s biggest PPV of the year.

To make sure you don’t miss anything, follow us (or me) on Twitter and like us on Facebook. Now that we’ve gotten the shameless plugs out of the way, let’s figure out What’s the Worst That Could Happen in San Diego tonight:

Pre-Show Gauntlet Match: Bad Influence vs. E.Y. & Joseph Park vs. The BroMans vs. Chavo & Hernandez

Best Case Scenario: Everybody gets a chance to shine and do their routine, but Bad Influence eventually prevail by rolling up a distracted Eric Young and/or Joe Park.

Worst Case Scenario: Chavo and Hernandez win, setting up a Tag Title match between two teams that are whatever the opposite of over is.

What Dave Wants to Happen: As I wrote in my Impact preview this week, Bad Influence are the only one of these teams deserving of a spot on the BFG card. They have been on the MVP shortlist for TNA over the course of the last year and deserve to be featured on the company’s biggest show.

What Will Happen: Bad Influence win, giving fans a match featuring babyface champions against heels who have both good heat and a solid chance of winning.

Knockouts Title Match: ODB vs. Gail Kim vs. Brooke

Best Case Scenario: ODB wins clean with her finisher, leading TNA to book her as an actual top babyface who the division’s heels take turns running at.

Worst Case Scenario: Lei’D Tapa gets involved, allowing heel Brooke Tessmacher to get the win and the title.

What Dave Wants to Happen: ODB wins because, well, she’s the only real babyface in the division. Lei’D Tapa stays as far away from this match as humanly possible.

What Will Happen: Lei’D Tapa gets involved, allowing heel Gail Kim to get the win and the title.

World Tag Team Championships:

James Storm & Gunner vs. Pre-Match Gauntlet Winners

Best Case Scenario: Bad Influence (our BCS winners of the pre-match gauntlet) win the Tag Titles, putting the gold around the waists of TNA’s most over tag team.

Worst Case Scenario: Chavo & Hernandez (our WCS winners of the pre-match gauntlet) and GunStorm have a thoroughly clunky match in which Hernandez drops Storm on his head, injuring him for the three-thousand-two-hundred-and-sixty-fifth time in the last two years.

What Dave Wants to Happen: See Best Case Scenario. Seriously, Bad Influence have tallied more minutes on TV than any other team in the last year and consistently have the best matches. How can any other team be portrayed as “champions” in a world based even one percent on merit?

What Will Happen: GunStorm and Bad Influence have a well-worked face vs. heel match which GunStorm win when James Storm pins Kaz following the Last Call superkick.

Ultimate X Match for the X Division Championship:

Austin Aries vs. Manik vs. Chris Sabin vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Samoa Joe

Best Case Scenario: A really exciting, athletic match in which each man shows off what makes him a unique talent. It comes down to Chris Sabin and Jeff Hardy shimmying along the ropes towards the belt, at which point Sabin thumbs Hardy’s eye and snatches the title, leading to his whole heel turn angle actually making sense.

Worst Case Scenario: B-O-T-C-H-A-M-A-N-I-A. Everybody gets hurt, causing a non-finish which leads to the X Division Title being “held in abeyance.”

What Dave Wants to Happen: Jeff Hardy wins the X Division Title and goes on a long run reestablishing the belt as a top title. He defends the belt regularly on TV against a wide variety of different opponents, ultimately holding the title until Destination X when he cashes it in to return to win back the TNA World Heavyweight Title.

What Will Happen: Everybody “gets their shit in,” but like all Ultimate X matches, there is a severe lack of cohesive storytelling. Manik somehow unlatches the belt and retains in spite of being the least over guy in the match.

Kurt Angle vs. Bobby Roode

Best Case Scenario: A show-stealing match that highlights why they are considered two of the best workers in any company. Angle looks strong and sure-footed in his return and Roode is at his big-bumping heel best. The finish is rendered almost completely unimportant by how good the match is.

Worst Case Scenario: Angle suffers another broken freakin’ neck because he got drunk before the match, destroying any positive vibes the rest of the show manages to create.

What Dave Wants to Happen: These two have a long, strong match. Roode wins clean, finally getting the moment over Angle that he should have had two years ago.

What Will Happen: Kurt Angle goes over clean to put a cherry on top of his Hall of Fame induction night.

Magnus vs. “The Icon” Sting

Best Case Scenario: These two have a surprisingly strong match considering where Sting is in his career. Both men stay strong babyfaces throughout the match with no heel-turn shenanigans. Magnus reverses a Scorpion Deathlock into his Cloverleaf to pick up the huge win.

Worst Case Scenario: Any possible scenario in which Sting wins.

What Dave Wants to Happen: Sting digs down deep and has his “Obi Wan Kenobi” moment, effectively putting over Magnus and elevating him to top star status.

What Will Happen: Sting looks utterly blown up ten minutes in. Magnus goes over, but the match isn’t good enough to elevate him to the level it’s designed to.

World Heavyweight Championship Match:

A.J. Styles vs. Bully Ray

Best Case Scenario: A long, strong match in the ring with minimal bells and whistles. A.J. wins clean.

Worst Case Scenario: Bully Ray wins.

What Dave Wants to Happen: Before the match starts, all TNA’s babyfaces stand at the top of the ramp to ensure that Aces & Eights cannot help Bully Ray defend his title. The entire locker room watches as A.J. defeats Bully Ray “in the middle of the ring” to achieve his destiny and become World Heavyweight Champion again.

What Will Happen: The match has its moments, but also relies extensively on brawling around the building and a whole ton of Aces & Eights hijinks. A.J. Styles gives Bully Ray a “taste of his own medicine” much like Chris Sabin did and wins the title in a less-than-clean manner.

Ain’t Too Proud to Beg: The +/- #’s – Impact Wrestling, 10/3

In hockey, basketball, and other sports I’m sure I’m forgetting, individual players are held accountable for their team’s performance during their time in the game through the plus/minus statistic. This week’s Impact review will attempt to score each segment as a hit (+1; a superior match or well-executed story-building segment), a miss (-1; offensive to the eyes or ears), or a push (+0; a segment that is wholly acceptable, but nothing memorable) in order to find an overall rating to the show.

Segment 1: A.J. Styles/Bully Ray Promo Exchange

Positives: A.J. kicked things off by putting Carter/Hogan nonsense aside and stating that his focus was on winning the title and becoming a great champion. This was precisely the “Best Case Scenario” described in this week’s Impact preview.

Ray found a heelish balance of bragging up how he was going to destroy A.J. while also dropping hints of underlying fear and insecurity.

Negatives: The crowd was a little sleepy until Bully Ray came out and turned up the heat. Their reaction to Styles’ entrance seemed extremely subdued. This was probably the result of them having just sat through the painful Dixie Carter-Hulk Hogan segment that ended the first half of the taping last week.

Segment Score: +1

_________________________________________________

Segment 2: Kenny King & Chris Sabin vs. Manik & Jeff Hardy

Positives: Nobody got hurt. The babyfaces won clean.

Negatives: This match felt like it broke down instantly. The organization and structure that make tag team wrestling work were completely absent here.

Austin Aries was 1997 Shawn Michaels on commentary, and not in a good way. He came across as a self-congratulatory cool heel when he’s supposed to be a babyface, a “cripplingly pill-addicted HBK” staple if there ever was one.

Considering the four men wrestling, this match was criminally dull. If anything, it felt like the match before intermission at a house show.

Segment Score: -1

_________________________________________________

Segment 3: Hogan/Sting and Sting/Magnus Backstage

Positives: Magnus’ promo seemed intense and driven. He’s definitely pulling his weight in terms of making himself a star. It remains to be seen whether TNA can hold up their end of the bargain by booking him correctly.

Negatives: “Last week” was plastered on the bottom of the screen, but it still felt really jarring how they cut from Sting wearing a suit and talking to Hogan in a room with cushioned chairs right to Sting wearing his ring gear and talking to Magnus in a room with folding chairs. Subtle stuff like that serves to maintain the illusion that Hogan is still a venerable figure who deserves fans’ respect. “Only jabronis sit in the folding chairs, brother!”

Segment Score: +0

_________________________________________________

Segment 4: Magnus vs. Christopher Daniels, Kazarian, and Bobby Roode in a Gauntlet Match

Positives: Daniels and Magnus worked an appropriate first match in the gauntlet. There was good action, but Magnus didn’t have to take many actual bumps, which makes sense given he had to work two more guys. The finish also helped get over Magnus’ Michinoku Driver, which is crucial if he is going to be a legit singles stars – he needs the crowd to respect his signature moves.

As with the Daniels match, the finish with Kaz helped get over another one of Magnus’ big moves.

Negatives: To say Magnus vs. Kaz “wasn’t anything special” would be the understatement of the century. Much like the tag match earlier, this felt like something from the middle of the card on a house show.

Kaz clipping Magnus’ leg just as Roode entered the ring was the most blatant possible example of giving the babyface “an out.” There were a laundry list of better, subtler, more heelish ways to accomplish that, but TNA went with the quick and dirty strategy.

Pacing the first match in a gauntlet carefully makes sense. The third match in a gauntlet pouring out like molasses makes no sense. The finish was the right thing to do, but they got there in such a slow, uninteresting way that it really took the heat off of things. If Magnus had just completed a comeback that made him look close to victory and Roode cut him off for the win, that would be fine. Unfortunately, the match never got out of second gear.

Segment Score: +0

_________________________________________________

Segment 5: Brooke Tessmacher vs. Velvet Sky (Which Never Happens)

Positives: The Knockouts division is in desperate need of some new blood, so injecting a new character is good.

Negatives: I won’t lie and say I was excited to see Tessmacher wrestle, but having ring entrances only for the match to never happen is so WCW that it makes me sick. They could have easily wrestled for one minute only to have Tapa come down and destroy them both.

Here’s an indicator of what bad shape the Knockouts are in: re-debuting heel Lei’D Tapa beat up recently-turned heel Velvet Sky to establish herself. This was necessary because the only babyface in the entire division is champion ODB.

Segment Score: -1

_________________________________________________

Segment 6: Gunner/Kurt Angle Hype Packages

Positives: The first package put Gunner in a really good light. As awful as Gunner n’ Murphy were, it was smart of TNA to remind people that he’s actually been in the company for quite a while. The clips of Storm talking about him were solid, as Storm is well-established as an honest, wrestling-minded guy.

Negatives: Kurt Angle was announced for the Hall of Fame back at Slammiversary, but given his history of addiction (and even more troubling his history of putting others at risk by driving under the influence), it seemed a little strange for TNA to be deifying him so much. If anything, they should be bracing themselves for the next Kurt Angle disaster.

Segment Score: +0

_________________________________________________

Segment 7: Samoa Joe vs. Bully Ray

Positives: A.J. Styles coming out to make the save was a good thing. He and Joe have a long-established history as allies, or at least rivals with a great deal of respect between them. This was the most successfully babyface thing anybody in TNA has done over the last two months.

Negatives: Every single match on this card was so sluggishly-paced. This was the spot for Joe to kick things into that special Joe gear where he picks two or three spots that really light up the crowd. That never happened, though, and the result was another snoozefest.

Ref bump? Check. Weapon shot to the head? Check. Disqualification? Check. A better finish for this match would have been the Cup-A-Fart from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (EMBED: http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/here-comes-honey-boo-boo/videos/cup-of-fart.htm). The sad part: I’m only marginally more embarrassed to know about Honey Boo Boo than I am to know about TNA.

Segment Score: -1

_________________________________________________

Segment 8: Dixie Carter-Hulk Hogan Faceoff

Positives: You know what? I was expecting to hate this more. Unlike the matches on this show, this was short, sweet, and to the point. Dixie played disingenuous heel, and Hogan played up that walking away from wrestling was very difficult for him. This angle is still the pits, but this was by far the least offensive offering to date.

Hulk Hogan is gone, at least for a while! Huzzah!

Negatives: Dixie comes across as a phony, but she’s a phony phony. She’s the high school actress who’s completely self-assured that she’s one day going to win a Tony. She delivers her lines alright, but her body language and mannerisms are so cartoony and fake looking – it’s like she’s playing to the back row of a vaudeville theatre.

Segment Score: +/- 0

NET +/- SCORE FOR TNA IMPACT WRESTLING 10/3: -2

Andy’s Angry: Time to Go, Brother

One step forward, two giant steps back.  It doesn’t matter what example you point to – it’s the rule at Impact Wrestling.

Remember when the company introduced the six-sided ring?  Love it or hate it, the ol’ hexa-ring was an attention-grabber – and something uniquely identifiable to TNA.  Same goes for the X-division.  And the Knockouts.

A lot of these things were big steps forward.  All resulted in huge steps back, courtesy of Hulk Hogan.

Gone went the X-Division as you knew and loved it, Jack.  And gone went the Knockouts.  All we really need anyway is Brooke, Dude.  Now watcha gunna do?

Remember when Hogan decided to take Impact to the next level, by moving the show to Monday nights?  How long did THAT half-cocked experiment last, before it went the way of the wire hanger?

Remember Brooke Hogan? Bubba the Love Sponge? The Nasty Boys 2K12?  All Hogan.  That should be enough to warrant a crucifixion, but I’ll continue…mostly because I haven’t gotten to my point.

Hogan went on and on about how if Impact was gonna go to the next level, Brother, it had to leave the Impact Zone.  Take the show on the road, Brother.

So it did.  And not only has the move been a total failure, it’s financially crippled the company.  NO ONE is buying tickets.  Impact is papering the hell out of every city it visits to get JUST ENOUGH people in the seats, to make the show look good enough to get by.  The company is laying off complete nobodies and nickel-and-diming its stars, because the touring TV costs far more than anyone had ever stopped to consider. They even had to cut the number of pay-per-views (which, ultimately, is a GOOD thing.)  Now they’re looking to bring the shows back to one central location again.  Good luck.

Quite frankly, the decision to take the show on the road almost killed the company.  Someone has to be held accountable, and it’s not AJ Styles, Ken Anderson, or faceless X-division guys or knockouts.

It’s the Hulkster, Brother.  And wouldn’t you know it, rumor has it Hulk’s contract is almost up, and he’s not happy.

So let him go.  Don’t offer him anything but a handshake.  As he leaves, mumble something about his future endeavors.

Now’s the time to send a message to the guys and girls in the locker room who sacrifice EVERYTHING for Impact Wrestling.  Get rid of the overpriced deadweight.  Point the finger at him for having old, antiquated ideas that just don’t fit in with a company that’s on THE CUTTING EDGE of professional wrestling.  We’re  not here for talk and patronage jobs.  We’re here for exciting pro wrestling and incredible athletes.  And when all else fails, Brooke Tessmacher’s ass.

Hogan hasn’t helped anything.  He hasn’t increased ratings.  He sure as hell hasn’t increased money. He can’t payoff storylines because he can’t wrestle.   He isn’t drawing for the company, period – so cut your losses.  Let Vince overpay him if he feels compelled, but let him go.  For every Hulk Hogan you can get rid of, you can hire back 10 X-division stars, knockouts, announcers, or whatever.

That would be a step forward.

Hiring him back with a pay hike and a promotion?  That would be typical TNA.  And it wouldn’t be Hulk if he didn’t show up with some very expensive friends and family.

Bound for “Who Cares”: The AJ Styles Story

TNA has the X Division Title, the Tag Team Titles, and until recently, they even had a TV Title. All of those titles are opportunities to get wrestlers over and gradually move them up the ladder rung-by-rung toward the ultimate goal: The World Heavyweight Title. In the case of every single belt, however, TNA has failed to brand, promote, and book in a way that supported their titles.

Which is why, after watching the September 5th edition of Impact Wrestling live, try as I might, I could not bring myself to write a plus/minus review of it. It was such an exposition of everything wrong with TNA that I felt like it would be overly-charitable to accentuate the positives.

The character development of recent (read: last week) World’s Champion Chris Sabin in this episode of Impact was perhaps the worst treatment of a recent champion I’ve ever seen. TNA has done this boneheaded stuff before (like never mentioning Jeff Hardy the night after he lost the title to Bully Ray), but this crossed the line (hey, remember that? No..?) from boneheaded to actively destructive. In last week’s +/- rating, I joked:

Velvet Sky and Chris Sabin are together? What? If a guy had a popular, good-looking girlfriend and was champion, wouldn’t you accentuate that when he was champion and not after his dreams had been crushed?

This week’s Impact made me wish I’d bitten my tongue, as TNA called my bluff and made things even worse. Suddenly, Chris Sabin (who, also suddenly, has a girlfriend that many of TNA’s fans find attractive) has snapped and is going to reinvent himself, go out on his own, and do what it takes to get to the top. The only problem? He just fell from the top. Any World Heavyweight Title is designed to be the ultimate culmination of a wrestler’s journey. The title is the top of the mountain. It’s not base camp. It’s not a message that you’re a serious contender. If you’re champion, you’re on the top, and it should take the fight of the next guy’s life to knock you off.

Sharing whatever is the opposite of the limelight with Sabin is A.J. Styles: both have numerous title reigns holding various TNA belts and are still amongst the most damaged characters in the promotion. How does TNA try to prop them up and reestablish them? By putting them in title contention. The TNA World Heavyweight Championship is supposed to be the torch, TNA treats it more like the microwave: a device that heats something up quickly and gives it a slimy, unpalatable texture.

The braintrust at TNA only has to look one direction to see why is a terrible idea: up! The WWE has spent the last year and a half repairing damage done to their top titles and the whole concept of main event status due to a decade of using belts as a way to get young talent over in lieu of actual character development . The idea that TNA does not learn from the very recent mistakes of the hegemon of the business it allegedly wants to succeed at is gut-shot, take-your-breath-away horrifying.

Of course, TNA still claims to present higher-quality wrestling than the WWE. To prove it, they put nearly every wrestler of any consequence in their promotion into a single match for twenty shiny points. In a vacuum where the nebulous concept of “points” seems appealing, this match sounds like an alright idea. However, the result of trying to book around at least four angles (Main Events Mafia vs. Aces & Eights, EGO vs. The BFG Series, Bradley trying to play “spoiler” and the return of A.J. Styles) was a match that could only be classified as a cluster mess (™ Jeff Jarrett).

The pain of it all is that A.J. Styles winning the BFG Series is actually a very intriguing option, as A.J. is someone longtime TNA fans would embrace as a long-term champion. Even in doing the right thing and putting the right person in position to knock off the man who has been the company’s top heel for the last year, TNA has done the sloppiest possible job of telling the tidiest, most archetypical story in existence. Because A.J.’s character has been handled so hamfistedly since the appearance of Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, and their assorted cronies, TNA has done the unthinkable: they’ve made it laborious to root for their all-time top babyface. There was a time when the quality of wrestling in TNA made it easier to ignore their terrible booking, but that time has clearly passed.

TNA, Bully Ray, and What the Thunder Said

“Here one can neither stand nor lie nor sit

There is not even silence in the mountains

But dry sterile thunder without rain

There is not even solitude in the mountains

But red sullen faces sneer and snarl

From doors of mud-cracked houses”

— T.S. Eliot, The Wasteland 

Anyone who’s watched at least sixty minutes of TNA television in the last eleven years knows that the rules don’t mean a thing at all. While TNA claims to pride itself on presenting wrestling, their ceaseless march of over-dramatic storylines, mediocre vaudeville acting, and dropped threads has finally resulted in utter Da Da. Nothing means anything. 

TNA leaned heavily on Attitude Era grabbag favorites such as the ref bump, the weapon shots, and the run-ins for years after it was chic. Jeff Jarrett held onto the NWA World Heavyweight Title for the better part of three years by bashing people over the head with (occasionally baby powder-filled) guitars and employing his patented Triple Lindy screwjob finishes.

Now, the Bound For Glory Series — essentially TNA’s prolonged Royal Rumble — allows wrestlers to win supposedly prestigious points through blatant interference and cheating. TNA spent two years investing in the Bound For Glory series as somewhat sacred, but this year they’ve absolutely blown it to pieces with intentional disqualifications, outside interference, and blatant collusion between the competitors. Imagine the NBA having a night in which three-quarters of the games were decided by blown calls, or if a football referee couldn’t effectively enforce the “too many men on the field” rule, and the winning side eked out a victory when a twelfth man jumped onto the field and kicked the other team’s best player between the legs. Unimaginable anywhere else, par for the course in TNA. 

The impotence of justice that has become the company’s trademark puts their World Heavyweight Championship in a perpetual stage of unmitigated jackassery. The title has been defended since March through use of no fewer than five lackeys and a ball peen hammer. Bully Ray’s run as champion began on an encouraging note for TNA, as he was a fresh character, but the monotony of his lawless title defenses has put TNA in reverse and floored the accelerator. Even when he was (metaphorically) slain, it was only through his own signature act of cheating. Having lost the title through chicanery, the dishonest champion almost immediately regained it through outside interference and, of course, his signature act of cheating. Trying to explain that sequence of events even to an audience familiar with it is enough to drive you mad.

The upshot of this whole convoluted title picture is this: the World Heavyweight Title doesn’t mean anything. The World Heavyweight Champion should be the coolest, nicest guy or the meanest, most hateable guy or the most impressive, talented guy — It can’t just be a shouting lowlife who cheats or a supposedly nice guy who also cheats. Sure, there have been long-reigning, cheating heel champions throughout history, but all of them from Bockwinkel to Flair to Del Rio had credible, clean wins regularly and took pride in defending the title.

How often did the Four Horsemen interfere to help Flair retain the title? The answer is almost never, because as much as he was a cheating heel, Flair (and those who booked him) understood that the champion needs to stand on his own two feet and defend the title for the whole structure of wrestling to mean anything. By that standard, the only title in TNA worth anything is the Knockouts Title. The X Division Championship is defended by largely interchangeable parts in multi-man matches where victories are almost always stolen or of otherwise dubious honor. The Tag Team Titles are currently a useless tool as TNA haven’t featured them on TV in what feels like a strip-worthy length of time.

If the rules don’t mean anything and the titles don’t mean anything, TNA is completely incapable of presenting wrestling in an effective way because the fundamental pillars of wrestling (the integrity of the matches and the prestige of the title) have been burned down, stamped out, and urinated upon. As a direct result of these — let’s call a spade a spade — incompetencies, TNA has itself become meaningless. It’s a wrestling show that’s not a wrestling show. It’s a fake reality show about Hulk Hogan. It’s a fake sports league whose points having nothing to do with merit. It’s a fake fighting lead-in for a (mostly) real fighting show. Da Da Da.