The Prime Time Players vs. The Usos vs. Tons of Funk vs. The Real Americans vs. 3MB
(Tag Team Turmoil No. 1 Contender’s Match)
Best Case Scenario: This manages to be the “Past Tense” episode of Venture Bros., used to explain for all time why specific teams don’t get along with other teams, thereby establishing the division as not just what happens when “Creative doesn’t have anything for you” but a place where characters can develop through a shared, albeit convoluted history where the least cool or interesting member of the group (Drew McIntyre) is accidentally but habitually tortured by his “friends”. PTPers win this match, win Shield match to get in view of Better for Business Bureau’s heat laser.
Worst Case Scenario: After JBL and Lawler spend the entire match make thinly veiled gay jokes to “honor” JR’s constant ribbing of Pat Patterson. Somehow, Tons of Fun and 3MB manage an accidental Dusty finish, leading to a three-way tornado tag against the Shield. ToF wins, Randy Orton joins team as their reverse Rikishi
What Nick Wants to Happen: PTPers manage to defeat the Real Americans, establishing two major teams in the division who can feud with each other while the Shield beat up more popular people, Real Americans screw over PTPers in title match.
What Will Happen: PTPers beat 3MB while JBL makes thinly veiled gay jokes about Heath Slater.
United States Champion Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler
Best Case Scenario: Ziggler forced to replace RVD in WHC after Mystery Machine gets lost on way to arena, is himself replaced by Sami Zyan. 30-minute MotY between Jon Moxley and El Generico.
Worst Case Scenario: Divas match runs over, this match gets truncated to Shield run-in, Ziggler suffers real concussion during fake melee
What Nick Wants to Happen: This match goes for 20 minutes, the only outside interference is a ref distraction after Ziggler’s super kick gives him the “victory”. Ambrose retains in “tainted” victory that is only tainted by Ziggler’s inability to overcome the theory of the Damned Numbers Game as opposed to the practical application of it.
What Will Happen: Damned Numbers Game
Divas Champion AJ Lee vs. Natalya vs. Brie Bella vs. Naomi (Fatal 4-Way Match)
Best Case Scenario: No one gets hurt, AJ retains. Kharma returns, devours AJ whole.
Worst Case Scenario: Anyone other than AJ retains, AJ retains but gets hurt.
What Nick Wants to Happen: WWE realizes that people who watch Total Divas won’t pay for a PPV airing during Total Divas, switch this with Tag Team Turmoil match.
What Will Happen: See Worst Case Scenario
World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio vs. Rob Van Dam
Best Case Scenario: RVD is incapacitated in bong-related incident, Ricardo replaces him in the “Virgil vs. DiBiase if Virgil could wrestle” match everyone actually wants to see. Ricardo miraculously wins. Sandow cashes in briefcase.
Worst Case Scenario: Rob Van Dam leaves the arena as champion.
What Nick Wants to Happen: Alberto goes full shark monster on Van Dam, Ricardo screws RVD just so he can have a gimmick that doesn’t feel like putting lipstick on a stoned pig.
What Will Happen: Del Rio retains, kills RVD dead, setting up depressing and inevitable (and inevitably depressing) feud between Alberto and a returning Rey with Rodriguez at his side.
CM Punk vs. Intercontinental Champion Curtis Axel & Paul Heyman (Handicap Elimination Match)
Best Case Scenario: Curtis Axel fights valiantly before losing because Punk’s blind rage makes him go full Wolverine, is disemboweled, causing match to be stopped by trainers so they can tend to wound. Lesnar comes back as hero, main events WM with fight to death against Punk as Heyman is suspended over ring in cage.
Worst Case Scenario: Curtis Axel fights valiantly, defeats Punk after overcoming odds, Heyman and Punk hug it out.
What Nick Wants to Happen: CM Punk gets his hands on Heyman, Kofi Kingston comes out and screws over Punk, becomes new Heyman guy. Kofi awarded IC title by Paul E., who isn’t mad at Curtis Axel. Just disappointed.
What Will Happen: CM Punk promised he was going to destroy Paul Heyman at this PPV. He will most likely do so, given that faces cannot break promises.
WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan
Best Case Scenario: Triple H guarantees that Bryan will eventually get over on Orton/Better for Business Bureau before match on WWE App, Randy Orton pulls out total bullshit ending that makes WM 18, XIX and 25 look like WM XX, 21, 22 and XXIV.
Worst Case Scenario: WrestleMania IX with injured Cena as Hogan.
What Nick Wants to Happen: The two best performers in the company continue WWE main event hot streak, Orton retains by the skin of his teeth.
What Will Happen: Ref bump, flying knee kick, no ref, Orton punches Daniel Bryan in dick the RKOs him, Braddox comes out, fast count.