Making Friends and Influencing People: Raw Regurgitated, 8/19

I wrote about this on Cageside Seats, but this is PRECISELY how you pass the torch to someone: succinctly and without equivocation. John Cena does it the right way.

People are going to complain about Daniel Bryan implying that Stephanie is being a B-word (read: bitch), and saying she’s trash. It’s not that they are wrong, as much as if you were ever going to call out someone for being that, you can’t think of a better time than after them telling you that you’re not good enough to be something you’ve wanted to do your entire life because you are too short, too skinny and too ugly. And if that person is your boss, and only because she’s the daughter of your boss’s boss, it’s easy to understand where he’s coming from.

At some point, someone is going to say “that’s not security, those are guys from developmental!“ and ruin it forever, but until then, please keep bringing them up just for this.

***

Now that Orton has stolen the “steal the belt from the champion after a hard-fought match that serves as a major push for them” trick from this year’s Money in the Bank cash-in grab bag, what’s Damien going to do? Let’s just hope it’s not the Mr. Kennedy special.

Sandow actually manages to look better every time he’s in the ring with Cody. And only half of that is because he’s won the “facial hair” belt from this feud.

When Damien gets a finisher to match this gimmick that doesn’t involve puns he’s going to be the most over heel in the company. Until then, he’s going to be booked like Leapin’ Lanny Poffo with a worse beard.

***

Wow, that whole Layla-AJ thing looks like it just went from 0-shitty feud in less than 1.4 matches.

***

There isn’t a better guy on the roster to give the Shield 3-on-1 tag match treatment to than Ziggler. Well, a better guy under 350lbs, but still.

Ziggler will not win this match, but at least he hasn’t called AJ a slut or crazy, so that’s a win for everybody.

OOF.

***

Speaking of OOF, the only good thing that has ever happened in Sin Cara’s career is how pissed Alberto Del Rio was after they ended that match.

Can’t we just let Ricardo take those fat burners? He looks like he ate one of Alberto Del Rio’s cars.

It may be repeatable, but Rob! Van! Dam! isn’t nearly as fun as ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLBERRRRRRRTOOOOOOOO DEL RIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Also, stoner is a way less interesting language than Spanish.

***

Can I buy a thousand stocks in this Prime Time Players face run? They are everything the Usos should be, and at least half as good a dynamic as The Shield: Operation Long Hair. I’m all in on this.

Wow, Titus O’Neilll is doing the Lord’s work out there. I’d like to hedge my Prime Time Players face stock with a Titus O’Neill US title future. I swear I won’t do credit default swaps on a Fandango derivative! Just let me bet on this!

At what point is Ryback going to make him put the lotion on his skin before he give him the hose again?

***

Getting to see The Shield do work as a trio in the ring at the same time, legally, is easily the best thing going on this show. They are basically all the good things about Kofi Kingston, Christian and Test with none of the bad things. Believe in the Shield (continuing to get a main event push!).

That Triple Powerbomb has pretty much ruined real powerbombs, but I’ll allow it if they keep doing it to guys literally three times their size.

If humans ever create a time machine, I’m taking The Shield to ECW just to shut up Dean Douglas.

***

That was so intense and so awkward that, for the sake of that dude’s social life, I hope that fat dude was a plant.

If Curtis Axel was a real man, he’d beat CM Punk to death with his bare fists. But, since he doesn’t have the balls and is a little bitch, I guess we’ll just have to deal with going to the trainer’s table to get tape up to try to beat CM Punk to death with his padded fists. You know, like a woman.

Does Paul Heyman feel tired (not stale, but physically tired) to anyone else? Someone get that guy some blow so he can pronounce BARAK LESNAR correctly again.

***

I’m just going to come out and say it: Bray Wyatt’s matches are not great so far. The story has been good, and he’s good, but man, there’s just something missing from these things and it’s probably “decent wrestling”.

If they aren’t careful, this whole “we have a really good tag team division” thing might just take off.

WHAT DID WAY BARRA AND THE WAY BARRA BARRAG DO? I’M SURE HE’S SORRY, AND HE’S BEEN PUNISHED ENOUGH!

***

That hug, and smirk, are why heel Randy Orton is better than you.

***WARNING SERIOUS WRESTLING DISCUSSION AHEAD*** This was the best segment since Punk’s pipe bomb, and may have been even more inside than that was. Not only did they manage to explain “why” they screwed Bryan in an entirely legitimate (read: logical) way, they did so in such a way that they were able to break kayfabe using kayfabe. They were essentially saying: we are the reason people win and lose, not you and not them. We can’t always be so obvious with it, but we promise — we’re in charge. This is what wrestling should be and hopefully they can keep it going in the perfect space between “not too long” and “long enough” that a bunch of people make money, and everyone eventually goes home happy***

God Love Him, Daniel Bryan needs to learn how to count.

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