What’s the Worst That Could Happen?: SummerSlam Edition

We’re going to be busy the next couple of days at Juice Make Sugar, starting off with this |super awesome| What’s the Worst That Could Happen preview, followed by the official rules for the Juice Make Sugar SummerSlam drinking game, an awesome SummerSlam preview episode of Headlock’d written by Noah Waterman (with funny pictures/some jokes by yours truly) all culminating in our world famous Bang for Your Buck PPV review on Monday morning (hopefully).

To make sure you don’t miss anything, follow us (or me) on Twitter and like us on Facebook. Now that we’ve gotten the shameless plugs out of the way, let’s figure out What’s the Worst That Could Happen tomorrow night at the Staples Center:

United States Champion Dean Ambrose vs. Rob Van Dam (Kickoff Match)

Best Case Scenario: Dean Ambrose hits the Headlock Driver so hard that Rob Van Dam is sent back in time to ECW.

Worst Case Scenario: Rob Van Dam isn’t sent back in time to ECW, continues wrestling regularly.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Dean Ambrose retains in convincing fashion, the end-of-match shmoz/Shield run-in happens after the bell, so it leads to tag team title match, not 6-man clusterkerfluffle between the Attitude Era also-rans (RVD, Big Show, and [mi amor] Mark Henry) vs. the Future of the Business (until the Wyatts get over enough).

What Will Happen: The end-of-match shmoz/Shield run-in happens before the bell, leads to 6-man clusterkerfluffle between the Attitude Era also-rans (RVD, Big Show, and [mi amor] Mark Henry) vs. the Future of the Business (until the Wyatts get over enough). The Shield continues its NUCULAR HEATZ deemphasizing. Nick dies a little inside.

Natalya vs. Brie Bella

Best Case Scenario: This is a short match.

Worst Case Scenario: This is not a short match.

What Nick Wants to Happen: This is a short match.

What Will Happen: A short match that will feel like it is not a short match.

Cody Rhodes vs. Damien Sandow

Best Case Scenario: After talking Damien into putting up the briefcase, the crowd gets behind Cody at the level they were during the Money in the Bank match, he narrowly loses to Sandow in an epic cheat spot which compels the Powers That Be to grant Cody a rematch at Night of Champions in the form of a ladder match. In the build up to that match, Cody starts giving mustache rides to plants in the audience.

Worst Case Scenario: The feud ends after a decisive victory by Damien. Note: Worst Case not because of Damien, but because this feud is gold.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Cody to look more American Dream than The Natural, Damien Sandow to look more Triple H than Dean Douglas.

What Will Happen: A Dusty finish.

Dolph Ziggler & Kaitlyn vs. Big E Langston & Divas Champion AJ Lee

Best Case Scenario: The two feuding groups, AJ/Kaitlyn and Dolph/Big E., decide before the match that they should just go with the original plan of singles matches, Big E. wins by turning the Zig Zag into a Big Ending, while Kaitlyn FINALLY gets her win back after catching AJ in mid-air with the Spear when Lee goes for the Black Widow. Kaitlyn and Big E. realize they are perfect for each other, walk off into the sunset.

Worst Case Scenario: Kaitlyn goes over Big E. after ref forgets “no touching” rule between men and women in mixed gender tag team match, Dolph Ziggler then calls AJ “a crazy slut” as the crowd cheers him uproariously.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Nobody will look stupid.

What Will Happen: Everybody will look stupid.

Kane vs. Bray Wyatt (Ring of Fire Match)

Best Case Scenario: Without anyone getting hurt, they take full advantage of the FUCKING RING BEING ON FIRE. Bray Wyatt looks like the Eater of Worlds he claims to be.

Worst Case Scenario: The fire engulfs the stadium, and while no one gets hurt, they are forced to show a rerun of SummerSlam 1991 to make up for it.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Kane goes down swinging, is attacked by the Wyatt family, and while he is unable to overcome the DAMNED NUMBERS GAME: Deliverance Edition, Daniel Bryan comes down to make the save, runs into the fire, saves Kane from certain death.

What Will Happen: A good, if not particularly well-worked, match tells an interesting. if ultimately forgettable, story. Kane disappears for six months, comes back as Big Show’s character from Knucklehead.

World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio vs. Christian

Best Case Scenario: Alberto Del Rio (safely) obliterates Christian’s head and face with a series of well-executed kicks, so thoroughly destroying Christian in kayfabe that we literally never hear him ask for “One More Match” again.

Worst Case Scenario: Christian gets the gold watch, Alberto Del Rio gets put in the Real Americans stable as their Ricardo Rodriguez.

What Nick Wants to Happen: See Best Case Scenario, but Christian retires after the match.

What Will Happen: A meh match that elicits a meh crowd reaction where approximately 90% of Christian’s moves are telegraphed well in advance, with the only crowd reaction coming from his incessant clapping and the only saving grace coming from the fact that he has no chance to win this match.

CM Punk vs. Brock Lesnar

Best Case Scenario: They make up for the dumbest go-home segment in history by having Paul Heyman explain that the trap that went so spectacularly bad was his fault and his fault alone during his obligatory mid-PPV hype promo, two of the best workers and storytellers in the company put on a show that makes Sami Zyan vs. Antonio Cesaro’s match on NXT next week look like an early-Hulkamania era curtain jerker.

Worst Case Scenario: CM Punk wins by completely outsmarting Brock Lesnar after outsmarting him just a week prior on free TV.

What Nick Wants to Happen: A good match that I don’t feel like an asshole for genuinely giving a shit about.

What Will Happen: A PPV worthy match that doesn’t live up to either of their best work, which ironically both occurred against the guy in the main event. No, not the guy you are thinking of, the other guy.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Daniel Bryan

(feat. Special Guest Referee Triple H)

Best Case Scenario: Triple H saves his inevitable chicanery for after Daniel Bryan goes over with a clean small package finish, which leads to Randy Orton cashing in the Money in the Bank contract on DB, turning heel and reforming Evolution with Triple H. Batista comes back because God Loves Me.

Worst Case Scenario: Triple H literally inserts himself into the match, wins title.

What Nick Wants to Happen: John Cena finally shuts up the “You Can’t Wrestle” contingent by giving his third consecutive high-to-very-high quality PPV match, gives Daniel Bryan the best match of his WWE career and loses valiantly.

What Will Happen: Triple H screws over someone, internet smarks get pissed about it, McMahon family laughs all the way to the bank as WrestleMania 30 buyrate shatters records based on overwhelming popularity of “Family Feud” storyline. Wrestling fans die a little inside.

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