The Beard is Here: Raw Regurgitated, 8/5

There are a lot of people who hate Stephanie McMahon, and think she has no business being on TV. To those people I say: you’re probably right, but it’s still better than Linda.

Someone should probably tell Daniel Bryan that he’ll find a much better fit in Brooks Brothers kids. That’s where Tommy Fresh gets his clothes.

Vince looks like he’s drunk. He’s also cutting this promo like he’s drunk. This is what happens when guys like him stop working non-stop. They get filled with the sadness and turn towards the drink. Which would explain the Fandango push.

Does this mean they are giving WAY BARRA AND THE WAY BARRA BARRAG the Brutus Beefcake gimmick?

***

Ricardo’s back! Not for very long, because Alberto literally can’t use him anymore because he’s too over, but it’s nice to see him back!

Oh no. They really are making the WHC the IC belt, aren’t they?

***ACTUAL WRESTLING DISCUSSION AHEAD***PLEASE KEEP HANDS AND FEET INSIDE OF KAYFABE*** I really hope they keep Ricardo on the roster, as he is an incredible seller, a hard worker, and a seemingly good guy. For once, I’m not sure of a role he could fulfill, but they should really be able to find something for him to do. Having Said That, if you are going to get killed off, that’s the best way to do it, basically ever. ***END OF SERIOUS WRESTLING DISCUSSION***PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKE ON THE WAY OUT

***

Cody’s not the best talker but this is the quietest crowd in history. Is Green Bay still pissed about the R Truth screwup from the Little Jimmy heel turn?

How did you not see that coming, Damien? Cody’s clearly way smarter than you.

One has to wonder what type of match these guys are going to have at SummerSlam. Probably something in a cage, if I had to guess. That way the contract can’t interfere.

***

Over/Under on The Shield’s run-in during the match is at 4:00. Bang the under, hard.

“The Bad Guy’s going home!” is the best thing Ryback’s ever said that wasn’t paraphrasing Billy Madison. He’s really neat sometimes.

Wow, this is surprising: no Shield run-in. It’s almost like they are taking the heat off Mark Henry and the Usos because that’s not the match they really want to go with. Weird.

***

The Champ is Here! Wearing the wrong shirt. Thanks, John.

“I’m going to explain why Face vs. Face matches are weird from a booking perspective!,” said John Cena incredulously.

He’s keeping it so real right now, I can barely look at the screen.

He’s not CM Punk, but man can this dude he pretend to care about things in an engaging way.

People don’t like to talk about it, but Randy Orton teasing that he’s going to become “crazy serial killer Randy Orton”  is clearly the best thing about the entire Daniel Bryan/John Cena feud.

BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD(’s heat backstage no longer effecting their push!)

***

The Wyatt Family hasn’t reached the point where you can predict which segments they’re going to come in, but every time, it’s kind of wonderful. Like this time for instance, I did not think they were even technically on the roster, and they just got myself — and probably everyone like me watching — super excited about a Tons of Fun match.

Is Bray Wyatt: The Man of a Thousand Truths a spinoff to 100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd?

Man, they know EXACTLY what they are doing with this Husky Harris push.

Dr. Issac Yankem is going to have an awesome match with IRS’s son. The Day Job Era lives!

***

Given that she wrestles like Beth Phoenix and — according to my girlfriend — looks like a soccer mom, may I suggest a relationship with Ricardo Rodriguez and a country music singer gimmick for Kaitlyn after this whole Layla/AJ/Dolph/Big E. thing is over?

***

There are matches without serious implications for storylines, there are throwaway matches and there are matches between Christian and Heath Slater.

Speaking of throwaway matches, someone should just give Heath Slater a lower-midcard belt already. That dude has earned it.

***

Punk is so over that they’re chanting his name in Green Bay while he’s deliberately wearing Chicago Bears colors.

Heyman’s a Walrus, Cole. There’s only been one Weasel.

Who gets the win when CM Punk fights the dude’s manager? Also, how is that a DQ?

Brock Lesnar never gets down the ramp all that quickly, which is odd, because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him teleport.

CM Punk’s “shot down over the Atlantic” F-5 sell is something that should be put in wrestling textbooks. If they have textbooks, which would be weird, because most wrestlers don’t seem like readers.

“Paul…Say something stupid” is the type of promo that dreams are made of.

***

Are those Big Boy Pants on Kofi Kingston? THOSE ARE BIG BOY PANTS ON KOFI KINGSTON!

***

I’M GONNA BEAT UP YOUR DAD, BABE! I’M SORRY, BABE! BUT I GOTTA!

***

We’ve seen minorities! We’ve seen gays! We’ve seen people eating dairy products! CHEESE SUCKS! ALSO, THE PACKERS ARE OVERRATED! WE’RE THE REAL AMERICANS!

– An excerpt from The Art of the Heel Promo with Zeb Colter by Zeb Colter

WHY WOULD YOU LEAPFROG STOMP SOMEONE?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

What a wonderful little tag team match. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s not so much that the tag team division is back, as it once again exists.

***

Why is this match happening on free TV? I just want pay to see Dolph vs. Big E. Why are you making this so hard, WWE?

“Didn’t get all of it” is a really nice way of saying “completely missed the Fame-asser right in front of the hard camera”, Michael.

I sure hope this doesn’t turn into a tag team match between AJ/Big E. and Kaitlyn/Dolph. Kaitlyn just needs to move on already.

***

“YES! YES! = YES!” almost makes the back of every other shirt the WWE has ruined with stupid words better. Almost.

What’s up with the arm padding? Did John Cena get a new tattoo to match Chris Jericho’s?

Seriously, the Shield being back in the main event is the best possible news for the WWE. And hopefully Reigns and Rollins have learned their lessons for doing whatever it is they may or may not have done according to rumors that may or may not have been confirmed by sources close to or with awareness of the situation.

Another thing no one wants to talk about: what happens when smarks realize that Daniel Bryan has Five Moves of Doom? Do they start rooting for Leo Kruger?

Once the RKO happened on Daniel Bryan, everyone had to know that there was going to be an attempted cash-in. Thankfully, the WWE’s Deus Ex Machina was there to double down on Regular Joes and help them out of the corner they booked themselves into! That’s how this movie ends, right? With Ben Stiller in a fat suit saying “f*cking Chuck Norris”? Right?

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