Yes! Yes! Yes! We’re Taped!: Raw Regurgitated, 7/29

I’m so happy that Vince’s old hairstyle is back. That weird close-crop thing he had going since the Hair vs. Hair match was way too “Joseph Gordon Levitt in 50/50” for me.

It’s actually goose-bump inducing to see all of these people do the YES! chant for Daniel Bryan. If I could properly articulate what it’s to see someone become a hero to a group of people, I wouldn’t be working part-time at a patio furniture store.

It may not be on Paul Heyman or Mark Henry’s level in the “art of heeling”, but the Mr. McMahon character — this Mr. McMahon, not “star of the show/founder of the Kiss My Ass club” Mr. McMahon — is DEFINITELY the Titanic to their What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Or the Independence Day to their Six Degrees of Separation. Or, uh, man, this was a lot easier when they made honest-to-god movie stars who weren’t also former professional wrestlers.

***

Did the heat that the Shield had on themselves backstage require Dean Ambrose to get that “you’re starting to look pretty thin up top” haircut?

So, what you are saying to me, WWE, is that I don’t get the ridiculously good promos or him saying things like “IMMMA WHOOP YOU LIKE YOU STOLE SOMETHING!” while beating people with a belt, but I’ll see Mark Henry do feats of strength that make John Cena seem like Gillberg and turn him into a hero for the WWE Universe? Thrown in a singles feud with Dean Ambrose or Roman Reigns and you’ve got yourself a deal!

Oh, god, if I wasn’t watching this Tuesday morning/afternoon, I’d be so pissed that the overrun for this Raw wasn’t NCIS.

The best thing that will ever happen to Dean Ambrose will be when they name that finisher of his. It will also be the worst thing that will ever happen to The Shield.

***

RYBACK RULES (LUNCHTIME)!

***SERIOUS WRESTLING DISCUSSION AHEAD*** Brad Maddox trying to get Kane to beat the shit out of Daniel Bryan to prove a point to the Wyatts is the difference between “good writing for wrestling” and “good writing”. This being wrestling, and wrestling needing to appeal to the broadest possible group of people, Brad Maddox’s functionality in the show seems to be largely a function of what Vince McMahon tells him to say. By having him do this, he at least becomes a three-dimensional character, inasmuch as he’s not just a surrogate for a specific point of view in some meta-reality sense, but with actual motivation. That the “actual motivation” is for him to not piss off Vince McMahon is still motivation that makes him into a character with feelings and goals. So, that’s nice. ***SERIOUS WRESTLING DISCUSSION NOW OVER, PLEASE ENJOY COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKE ON THE WAY OUT***

***

God, watching Rob Van Dam do Rob Van Dam things reminds why ECW was, and continues to be just the worst thing ever.

Fandango’s complete obliviousness to literally everyone else on the show and the very purpose of the show — and presumably professional wrestling — is the single most underrated piece of work on television.

Divas matches on television used to be a guaranteed bathroom break. But thankfully, for my bladder, Miz TV still exists.

***

God, Big E Langston continues to be the most impressive wrestler follow on Twitter:

Check for my upcoming bio, “Big Trouble in Little Tampa: My Affair with a Dachshund & Other Lies I Enjoy Telling.”

— Big E Langston (@BigELangston) July 20, 2013

Did you guys know that it’s Big E’s time now? Because it is. He’s totally right. Makes you wonder if Dolph’s pissed about that.

Technical question for people stronger than me: does Big E just practices having larger and larger things thrown at him just to see how much he can catch? And, has anybody tried a car?

***

Do you think that Edge ever watches Christian matches and screams “IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU!” at the TV?

If they took away the superkick from Ziggler so that Del Rio could make it look like he was kicking people’s heads in by slapping his thigh, I fully endorse that.

No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition, but everyone should have seen this Christian win from a mile away. The PPV is in like, three weeks, and no one has even mentioned that WHC. Even Fandango is building a storyline!

***

One request for this face turn from Cody: please do not take the b-roll of him combing his moustache out of his entrance video.

If Wade Barrett goes to Mr. McMahon, and says “please Sir, may I have some mo’?” in his best Cockney accent, he could almost definitely get back in the main event picture of one of their TV shows. Whether or not that would be for Saturday Morning Slam is anyone’s guess.

Carnivals and circuses are two different things, Damien. Who’s the clown now, huh?

***

It’s absolutely remarkable how bad everyone is with the timing of the Yes! chants until the second time DBD raises his hands. White people can’t dance, but if there was one thing we’d should be good at, it’s pointing our fingers at a general direction in unison.

For two guys with near perfect chemistry as a tag team, Daniel Bryan and Kane’s match has been, at best, mediocre. Now, Kane is not the best when it comes to wrestling by himself anymore, but I can’t imagine how tired Daniel Bryan must be after working FOR A FULL HOUR THE NIGHT BEFORE THIS TAPING. Maybe you guys should have just worked a show at a reasonable time on this past Sunday and then, I don’t know, ran that one? Maybe?

The more they let him win with that roll up the bett … WAIT THEY’RE HERE!

***

The only people calling the CM Punk-Brock Lesnar match “The Best vs. The Beast” are CM Punk and you, so maybe we cool it with the accusatory pronouns, Paul E.?

Curtis Axel is a fine talker for someone with such a horrific speech impediment. That speech impediment is called “being from Minnesota”.

Too bad they are wasting this brilliant build on Punk/Lesnar, a match literally everyone wanted to see anyways. Why can’t they do stuff like this for Alberto Del Rio or Wade Barrett?

***

They obviously buy these tables wholesale. The real question is whether or not they do it in each individual city, or if they just have a warehouse for storing all the props they think they’ll need. Also, do they ever turn around and sell excess tables to smaller wrestling companies?

Ryback is doing the Lord’s work as a heel. This is honestly as good as a guy has looked while not being able to win a single goddamned match to save his life has ever looked. Other than the complete inability to win a match of any significance against anyone even remotely in his age range, Ryback is having an absolutely fantastic run.

I normally don’t complain about what the announcers say, because they are stupid and they aren’t concerned with keeping my interest in the match, but complaining about Ryback bringing stairs into the ring while praising John Cena for using a submission is exactly the type of things people should be bothered by. If you insist on being stupid out loud, at least be consistent about it.

And off go Chekov’s Steel Ring Steps, right in poor Ryback’s lower lumbar.

Wait, someone set up a table in the corner of the ring, and it backfired? During a TABLES MATCH? Well, now I’ve seen everything.

There are a lot of good ways to get the audience excited for this Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena match at SummerSlam. Tiring people out on the YES! catchphrase? Not one of them.

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