They’re Already Here – Raw Regurgitated, 7/8

Vicki mentions three guys who made their legacy in ladder matches, and names two guys in one match and her boss. I feel like this entire thing may just be a giant metaphor about something involving the difficulty of career advancement.

I hate using the phrase “say what you will” when writing, speaking out loud, or just not actively trying to embarrass myself, but “say what you will” about Vicki Guerrero, but she is a Bobby Heenan-esque heat magnet.

Excuse me if I blacked out, but I think that was an entire segment with Vicki without someone calling her fat.

The real star of the Rob Van Dam comeback video is definitely the chubby guy in the Steelers jersey doing the “R!V!D!” thumbs in perfect unison with him at the end.

***

Daniel Bryan has an equal chance to win this match with Sheamus. That’s one of the strangest thing to happen in the last 10 years of professional wrestling. Not that no one DB’s size has ever been at his level, but no one his size has had a chance against Triple H in a singles match.

Sheamus has seventy signature moves. Why is the “clubbing a dude a bunch of times” the only one without a name that somewhat relates to his whiteness/Irishness/Celtic Warrior-ness? And wouldn’t Emerald Fusion (what that scoop backdrop thing is actually called) be just as good a name as White Noise?

Last week’s show wasn’t that wonderful, but this Baltimore crowd tells you all you need to know about why WWE only goes to Iowa once a year.

***

Jason Hervey has pissed that the E his “let’s make every backstage seg look like the guy holding the camera forgot he had it in his hand” for these “let’s find where the Wyatts” vignettes.

***

Not only has Tons of Fun’s entrance been taken off TV, but they have matching outfits. Matt Bloom has to miss the gimmick where he tried to pierce other dudes’ dicks at this point.

With a veteran/newcomer tag team like ToF, there has to be a sinking feeling for both members when the newcomer’s ceiling is “veteran in a veteran/newcomer tag team”.

Did The Shield draw straws to determine who would wear what undershirt?

***

Mark Henry is the best wrestler of all time.

If Mark Henry beats the clever out of John Cena and kills the “What?” chant permanently, can he get his own wing in the Hall of Fame?

Mark Henry: Best Wrestler of All Time.

***

With the WWE’s disregard for how expensive it is to turn the lights on and off like that for these entrances, you have to assume they probably leave the front door open when the air conditioning is on, too.

Given that Mr. Perfect’s version of it was only broken once (by Bret Hart at SummerSlam) is the implication that Curtis Axel isn’t applying the PerfectPlex correctly or that his dad was magic?

***WARNING: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A SERIOUS WRESTLING DISCUSSION*** We aren’t really supposed to talk about it, but Curtis Axel is a pretty good professional wrestler with a TON of potential. They did a great job picking him for this, inasmuch as it was their best option out of a not-that-great selection of people good enough to warrant the rub but not well-known enough for it to feel like a desperate ploy to get someone over. He’s going baldish, so that’s an issue, but outside of that, he’s good enough on the mic, has a good enough look and is VERY good in the ring when given a chance to “explore the studio space”. I’ve liked the pick from the beginning, but with this IC title run he has the potential to set himself up to reach heights his father never did because of politics and injuries. ***YOU ARE NOW LEAVING A SERIOUS WRESTLING DISCUSSION. ENJOY THE DICK JOKES***

***

An all-heel Money in the Bank Ladder match is the best idea they have ever had. That and everything involving Mark Henry.

***

Pardon my Spanish but, HOW THE FUCK DOES ALBERTO DEL RIO GET STUCK WRESTLING UNDER THESE LIGHTS AGAINST SIN CARA. HE’S THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

Having said that, nobody looks better against guys that know how to work with him than Sin Cara. Sin Cara is the WWE’s equivalent of a 1st-round bust who teams keep on picking up in hopes that he’ll live up to his potential or that he’ll fit into their system, and it’s almost entirely because of matches against guys who have wrestled in places that aren’t WWE developmental.

God, that Ziggler intro bit was ball cancer of the AIDS (sorry people with ball cancer/AIDS). This match will be great, but they can literally never mention or show that again. That was an abortion (sorry people who were abortions).

***

“Please welcome Vince McMahon, Stephanie McMahon and Triple H…McMahon”

I really hope this whole thing is an allegory for the problems in Congress and not for what’s actually happening backstage. Because I mean, look forward to 20 years of reverse battle royales from TNA if that’s the case.

Listen, Vicki, at least you aren’t being thrown in a garbage truck like Eric Bischoff. And this company killed your husband, so you’ll always have a job.

Vince McMahon is articulating the value of Vicki BRILLIANTLY. If all the segments for this feud are this good, I’m ALL-IN. Also, if Brad Maddox becomes General Manager of RAW at the end of every one of these, I’m buying WWE stock. That’s ratings gold.

***

Wow. This is all kind of amazing. I’m happy with all of this. Brad Maddox for President 2016. (Sorry, Big E.)

***

The only difference between Heel/Face Christian is the clapping. It’s official.

It’s weird that Edge is on the Canadian “no-mention” list along with Chris Benoit.

There was a lot of nervousness at JMS HQ RE: whether the Wyatt family would be able to survive their entrance, or if the anticipation of their arrival would lead them to Ultimo Dragon the shit out of themselves. But they somehow managed to get a Shield-level entrance just by walking down the ramp with an electric lantern. When you’re as good at your job as Windham Rotunda is, sometimes it’s that easy.

***

If Ryback has “rules”, I hope  “consoling your boss after she is unceremoniously fired” is one of them.

Speaking of “rules”, as new GM, can Brad Maddox make one that permanently bars the Bellas from ringside, including their own matches?

***

Randy Orton and CM Punk have a very weird rivalry. They are top-shelf main eventers who have an egregious amount of really interesting/compelling history, but I don’t think anyone has paid a dime to see those two wrestle. At least anyone not named Nick Bond and Daron “Action” Jackson.

And does anyone else remember the days when they weren’t the same shade of tattoo’d orange?

Is this a battle of “who can get the crowd more excited through convoluted pandering”? If so, I have money on CM Punk. That dude could get Yankees fans to cheer Kevin Youkilis.

That’s the go-home moment? The guy that everyone assumes is going to win the match comes in and attacks the guy that absolutely no one thinks is going to win after he won a match against a guy nobody cares about whether they win or not. Kind of a bummer, guys.

***

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