Dazed and Confused: RAW Regurgitated, 5/20

It’s nice to see that Ryback’s heel application finally went through. It seems like they get a starter kit with a leather vest/jacket to which they can apply patches, black undershirts and — if they’re Matt Hardy — Edge’s tights.

I find Ryback’s promos to be both unwatchable and fundamentally good. He’s words are interesting and he’s articulate, but it always seems like he’s trying to catch his breath. Climbing on top of that ambulance probably didn’t help with that, either.

The chances of Ryback winning are somewhere between slim and none, but I am excited to see how they go about turning this ambulance gimmick into a Buried Alive match.

***

Hey, it’s creepy  Jerry Lawler, everybody! We missed you while you were making all that sense at Extreme Rules.

This Wade Barrett theme song is, well:

The amount of “business” — meaning acting while he doesn’t know for sure that the focus is on him — that Dirty Curty does as Fandango deserves an Emmy.

According to Cole, Ryback borrowed Chekov’s ambulance for the evening’s festivities.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it, but this whole “Fandango doesn’t really care about wrestling” thing is at the very least interesting.

Apparently two upper-midcard faces are equal to one main eventer when solving for “Embarrass Wade Barrett”.

Summer Rae is like the babysitter that Cool Dad Jericho cheats on his wife with.

***

So, is Vickie Guerrero’s on-screen job now just to announce polls?

Anyone who bet on the first half of “Best Case Scenario” — where Kane and Daniel Bryan stay together or amicably break up — as opposed to “Worst Case Scenario” — hate fuck each other for 2 months before the blowoff match at SummerSlam — you just lost a bunch of money during that backstage segment.

***

Graphically, that Prime Time Players shirt is the best non-CM Punk shirt they’ve had in FOREVER. But, like every WWE shirt it’s ruined by wrestling equivalent of a tramp stamp.

When the story of Sheamus is written (presumably by Triple H in between sets), it will likely start off looking really weak, continue to get worse before eventually ending with a run of illogical quasi-heroics that have no relation to anything that happened before it.

Is the implication that the other guy can’t hear the crowd chanting for upcoming finishers or that they just choose to ignore 15000 people chanting “BROGUE! BROGUE! BROGUE!”?

***

Paul Heyman is the most metaphysical wrestling character of all time. His essence is entirely constructed of wrestling, and it exists entirely within him. Which is probably why he’s bounced so many checks.

I am glad they lampshaded Joe Hennig’s ridiculous name change after that Michael McGuillity chicanery.

The following people were made/made to look GREAT by HHH: John Cena, Batista, Randy Orton, Great Khali (physically dragged him to literally the only good match of his career), Jeff Hardy and he tapped out to Chris Benoit at WrestleMania XX. Sure, that list could be longer, but it includes 4 of the 5 biggest stars of the last 10 years (and he gave CM Punk the first major rub of his career at the Survivor Series). He’s also put on some of the best matches of his or any era, and for comparison, here’s the list of younger guys made by Hulk Hogan that actually panned out: ______. So, before we get all worked up about how much Joe Hennig is going to get — even if we ignore the fact the Triple H is a fan of his — let’s put things into perspective.

HAVING SAID THAT:

That slap did NOT make Hennig look good.

***

I am going to say this at the beginning of every Big E. Langston match from now on: if he isn’t a world champion in the next two years, the WWE has failed on every level as a wrestling company.

Sometimes I wonder if La Parka and Alberto Del Rio are the same person, and then I realize I need more ethnic friends.

The fact that Big E is strong enough to rip out Del Rio’s eyeballs, but chose to simply poke them says something about his character. I don’t know if it’s good, or what, but it says something.

***

God, the Bella Twins are monsters.

Also, monstrous: AJ Lee’s finisher. Monstrous in the sense that it’s the first time I’ve cared about something in women’s wrestling since Angelina Love told Awesome Kong she had a “big old melon head”.

***

And off goes Chekov’s ambulance, right in the face of poor Zack Ryder’s career.

***

We all want to believe in the Shield even more than we already do, but man, Seth Rollins’s promos are like watching a Jeff Hardy match: you just hope he doesn’t hurt himself trying to do something needlessly stupid.

It’s clear that Daniel Bryan has serious issues with his self-image. I think it’s because he’s dating the Bella twin without the boob job.

On a scale from 1 to Mario Chalmers, where does Kofi Kingston rank on the “just happy to be here” scale when it comes to this feud? Does he feel like he belongs? Does he feel like he should be higher on the card? Most importantly, does he think about these things before, after or during his week-long title reigns?

How exactly does advertising the WWEAPP by promising to show parts of the match that aren’t important enough for you to show on TV say anything other than “this content is less important than a Sonic Milkshake?”

In a battle of mean girls, Rollins and Ambrose shouting insults things at Daniel Bryan really give the Bellas a run for their money. First one to call their opponents “a boner” after threatening to “cunt punt” them wins the race.

And just like that, the Shield proves that they only three entities in the WWE are capable of defeating them are Hustle, Loyalty and Respect. Beliebe in the Shield.

***

Now, did they not hire an actual doctor to pretend to tell Triple H he can’t wrestle because of legal reasons, or because the idea of Triple H firing a doctor for not letting him perform with a concussion was somehow too ethically icky for the guy who once pretended to rape a body in a coffin.

***

I wonder if Jack Swagger specifically ask Josh Roberts to say “A Real American”, or is that just what it says on the card the WWE gives him.

I’m not looking forward to the “our refs are idiots, just like real sports!” storyline that they seem to be laying the foundation for. They are already the worst refs in the history of sports, why do you have to make them realistically shitty?

C’mon, Cole. Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton isn’t the “match that the WWE universe wanted” just because they voted for it, this is the “match that the WWE Universe didn’t want the least”. R. Truth and The Great Khali have their time and place, which is 10AM on Saturday Morning Slam.

Half the time the Swagger McVader Bomb seems like Jack is trying to see how far away from the turnbuckle a guy can be before the move ends up looking ridiculous.

I’m glad it Jack Swagger figured out he had the wrong foot in the Ankle Lock before Randy felt the need to call him stupid in front of a crowd of people. You may recover from an RKO, but those type of emotional scars never heal. Just ask Kofi Kingston’s career.

***

It’s really hard to sell how tough someone is when their name is Curtis Axel AND everyone knows their name isn’t actually Curtis Axel. Especially when his entrance video is just shots of him trying to find the camera lens by turning his entire head in different directions.

Speaking of Hard Sells, Paul Heyman is the same guy who sold lucha libre to Eagles fans, so I’m pretty sure Hennig will end up or near the top of the heap at some point in his career. As Ted DiBiase, Jr. gently weeps.

THERE ARE NO TIMEOUTS IN WRESTLING!

But there are serious concussion storylines? Apparently. Wow, what a terrible ending to a mediocre show.  We didn’t even get to see H bring out the shovel! I demand my money back! (Wait, this is free TV? Oh, that explains all the Sonic Milkshake references! Carry on.)

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