THE MIZ VS. CODY RHODES – PRESHOW
Best Case Scenario: On this show? That no one gets hurt in a completely meaningless match. In general? Cody Rhodes stops appearing on pre-shows and starts main eventing. The Miz becomes The Guy that works pre-shows, pre-show matches become known as Mizzes.
Worst Case Scenario: Cody Rhodes misses a Disaster Kick, cuts a hole in the time space continuum.
What Nick Wants to Happen: Cody Rhodes wins this match, and then goes on a run that ends with him and Damien Sandow main eventing WrestleMania in a modern interpretation of Hogan-Warrior from WrestleMania VI.
What Will Happen: The Miz will win, Cody’s moustache will get more over than he will.
CHRIS JERICHO VS. FANDANGO
Best Case Scenario: Chris Jericho wrestles like “Best in the World At What I Do” Chris Jericho and not “World’s Best Dad” Chris Jericho. Fandango’s two dancing partners fight over who gets to ride Dirty Curty’s coattails to super stardom.
Worst Case Scenario: Chris Jericho walks out mid-match after getting a prank call about his band being asked to play the halftime show for Super Bowl XIX.
What Nick Wants to Happen: A good match with decent storytelling and at least one super solid dance kick to the face from FAN DANG OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
What Will Happen: Probably something like that.
BIG SHOW VS. RANDY ORTON (EXTREME RULES MATCH)
Best Case Scenario: Randy Orton somehow turns the KO Punch into an RKO that’s so powerful that he and Show switch bodies Freaky Friday style.
Worst Case Scenario: Randy Orton does what he did to Rochelle Loewen’s duffel bag, but to his integrity as a wrestler in his hometown.
What Nick Wants to Happen: Randy Orton punts Big Show so hard that he and Show switch bodies Freaky Friday style. (Heel Orton > Face Orton w/ The Punt as the line of demarcation between the two)
What Will Happen: Loosely defined “EXTREME RULES” stipulation will play larger role than people think, but this match’ll be only infinitesimally better than the post-WM promo where Orton forgot his lines.
SHEAMUS VS. MARK HENRY (STRAP MATCH)
Best Case Scenario: They replace those idiotic linguine “straps” with ones that actually look like they would hurt, Sheamus gets the “JBL Great American Bash” treatment, reaches .87 on Muta scale.
Worst Case Scenario: They replace those idiotic linguine “straps” with pool noodles, Mark Henry decides he’s become a pacifist, Sheamus Brogue Kicks him anyways.
What Nick Wants to Happen: Mark Henry rips off Sheamus’s limbs, beats Michael Cole to death with them while screaming “YOU A FUNNY MOTHERFUCKA, AINTCHA MOTHERFUCKA?!”
What Will Happen: They won’t replace those idiotic linguine “straps,” Sheamus goes over, Mark Henry doesn’t get to say “THAT’S WHAT I DO,” ‘twas ever thus.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO VS. THE SHIELD’S ROMAN REIGNS AND SETH ROLLINS (TAG TEAM TORNADO MATCH)
Best Case Scenario: The skim milk version of the Shield narrowly defeats Team Hell No in such a way as to allow for an amicable split between Daniel Bryan/Kane OR the most destructive break up of an imaginary relationship since uh, Drake and Amanda Bynes? Anything in between will just lead to two months of will they-won’t they bullshit with a blowoff match at SummerSlam.
Worst Case Scenario: (See: Best Case Scenario)
What Nick Wants to Happen: Seriously, I’ve made it clear what I want from this match.
What Will Happen: (See: Worst Case Scenario)
UNITED STATES CHAMPION KOFI KINGSTON VS. DEAN AMBROSE
Best Case Scenario: Dean Ambrose kills “The Wildcat”, and wears his skin as a trophy, preferably with a necklace made from his ears. Starts calling himself “The Transitional Mid-Card Champion Killer” Dean Ambrose.
Worst Case Scenario: Kofi Kingston not losing.
What Nick Wants to Happen: A match that showcases both guys and makes it clear that while the Shield is a “team,” Ambrose is the alpha dog.
What Will Happen: Dean Ambrose will be booked to make Kofi Kingston look like “the fucking shits” because the WWE really has no clue want to do with that poor guy other than feed him to people they think will be able to carry a mid-card belt in their never-ending search for someone who can lose every week to main eventers while still getting his.
ALBERTO DEL RIO VS. JACK SWAGGER (‘I QUIT’ MATCH)
Best Case Scenario: Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger end this racist gimmick, make it a “I Wish I Knew How To Quit You” match, turn face and become best friends with ADR and Ricardo. They go on picnics together.
Worst Case Scenario: Jack Swagger accidentally kicks Ricardo Rodriguez’s head off, then recieves WWE Title run as punishment.
What Nick Wants to Happen: Alberto Del Rio to win, Jack Swagger to lose cleanly, Big E. Langston comes out, gives both of them the Big Ending at the same time, becomes number one contender.
What Will Happen: Tomfoolery, chicanery, someone being forced to say “I Quit” but not because they are in pain.
TRIPLE H VS. BROCK LESNAR (STEEL CAGE MATCH)
Best Case Scenario: Triple H vs. Ric Flair – Taboo Tuesday
Worst Case Scenario: Triple H vs. Scott Steiner – Royal Rumble 2003
What Nick Wants to Happen: Triple H vs. Cactus Jack – Royal Rumble 2000
What Will Happen: Triple H. vs. Undertaker – WrestleMania… X-Seven
WWE CHAMPION JOHN CENA VS. RYBACK (LAST MAN STANDING MATCH)
Best Case Scenario: Ryback finally wins the title after chasing it for six months, John Cena gets his just desserts (someone makes fun of his shirt/jorts and questions his masculinity [preferably a small child]).
Worst Case Scenario: John Cena buries Ryback both literally and physically to the point where he has to come back as Skip Sheffield.
What Nick Wants to Happen: Cena loses in a way that makes Ryback look dominant, goes and films a movie, comes back as a face in a couple of months, fakes turning heel, really just becomes meaner in order to beat Ryback.
What Will Happen: Cena will win in a way that makes Ryback look like he got screwed, but not bad enough to warrant a rematch. Ryback joins the Shield.